Afternoon lovely ladies! (And any marvellous men who may be lurking out there!)
How are you all doing? Having a nice weekend? There's blue sky & sunshine here, bit chilly still, but that's what coats are for. Shame we're only allowed out for quick 5-10 min smoke break 4 times a day. It's been 2 hours since the last one, so an hour to go until the next one!
I was v lucky with my Aspergers diagnosis. I was referred to perinatal psychiatry for ante-natal depression when I was pregnant with DD (and stayed with them for far too long). My psychiatrist took an actual interest in me, & discussed me with some colleagues at Cambridge University, who gave her a whole heap of assessments to do on me, all of which showed I have Aspergers. So I didn't really have to wait or fight for a diagnosis.
I grew up in the countryside & used to cycle for miles & miles. I had a lovely Specialised Ladies front suspension mountain bike. I loved it. Then we moved to the city & my bike didn't get used for years. We're in a village now though, but my bike got stolen a couple of years ago, & with having little children there seemed little point in replacing it.
I've always fancied kayaking, but wouldn't have a clue where or how to get into it.
I used to go horse-riding when I was younger (much younger), & I'm sure there must be companies up on the Peak District that do pony trekking type things - I'd love to go & do that for an afternoon. Every summer I say I'm going to do it but I never do.
Pain meds are finally working, so my back's a bit better, but my arm's a mess. The bruising & swelling's even worse. It's a bit more bearable when it's up in a sling diagonally across my sling. I hit the stupid thing again last night & bruised the tiny patch of wrist that had no bruises on. Don't know why. Although, & I know this is going to sound utterly stupid, but I feel a bit like a failure for not breaking it in the first place. Just another thing in the long list of things I've failed at.
I think I'm back on normal level 3 now. Somebody sticks their head in every so often. It should be every 15 mins, but it's more like every 30.
One of the nurses cornered me last night to have a bit of a go at me - she seemed very aggressive & a bit angry. I think she was basically trying to guilt trip me about the kids - how do you think the kids feel that you're in here? What do you think they'll feel if you kill yourself? They'll be devastated, forever, always wondering why & thinking it was their fault...blah blah blah. You think by killing yourself you're escaping all your problems, but really you're just transferring them onto your kids...but I don't think that at all. Not At All. I just have this almighty compulsion to destroy myself. I guess I don't really know why.
But then the other little voice in my head rationalises it by saying that the kids would be better off in the end without me anyway. I'm very confused.
But part of the reason I'm here is so that I don't kill myself, because the compulsion is so strong
I'm starting to get a tiny suspicion that this deep need to kill myself is rationalising it by saying my kids would be better off without me. That's the thought that keeps appearing in my head, but I don't know if I actually agree with it all the time or not. But then it's my thought, so it's me, so it's what I think. Then I just get so confused. Being brutally honest, if I left hospital now I would kill myself. I can't resist the compulsion, because it's what my thoughts are so it's what I want to do. I ache to do. My head's so messed up, I'm just so confused.