I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

I bet!! What a shock what were they doing?

Who knows? Maybe a local college comparing our poncey modern house with the beautiful Regency one next door? That's happened before now.

One Parents Evening, the Humanities Teacher said "Oh you live in Lammily Towers, don't you? You'll be interested in this", and handed us an exercise book where some random kid had slagged off the design of our house. Boy, was she embarrassed

Oh that's
I live opposite the school I work in, it is great for commuting but not for privacy!

I'm going to ask tomorrow about post - I have no idea what the plan is for me or how long I'll be here for. Assuming I'll be here, post would be amazing (& I have a feeling I might be being a bit naive thinking I might only be here a few days).

A couple of years ago I was sitting in the living room & noticed some people outside our house taking photos. A few months later some random person hand-delivered a history of a family who used to live in our house. After a lot of Internet-sleuthing I discovered that the family who lived in our house around the beginning of the 19th century moved to America in the beginning of the 20th century. Turned out every so often family members from America still visit the village in England that their family was from (our village), & it was them that I saw taking photos of our house!

You'll probably be assessed over a few days, at the very least. Which, when you come to think about it, is good.

Is there somewhere to sit outside? And is the food any good?

Wow Criminy. Fancy finding out that history about your home. We live in the house that belonged to my DHs parents. So we know a bit about it.

I would love to write. Once you know what's happening let me know

I started smoking again a couple of weeks ago, so I go out on the "smoke run" 4 times a day. So the smokers (supervised by a member of staff) get to go just outside and have 1 cigarette at 9am, 1pm, 4pm & 8pm. Other than that I'm not allowed off the ward. Food is ok - I e had better, I've had worse

I've still not got my pain meds. I've asked a few times about my meds now but they just keep saying they'll ask the doctors when they come. They've been saying that since yesterday though. I told them, I'm not just after "drugs", they can ring my GP or even pain management at the hospital to check I'm telling the truth. So I've spent most of another afternoon lying on my bed. DH came round for visiting this afternoon, first time I've seen him since before I was in here. He was fairly supportive I think, kept asking what was going on, but I don't know. Kept going on about did I know if there was any support available for him though.

I've no idea if they're going to put me in therapy or what. I've no idea what their plan is. I don't know how long I'll be in here for, & how they'll judge when I can go home.

That's really fascinating about your house, Criminy. A lot of people research their family tree, but that's never interested me. Probably because families may often be, to put it delicately, more complicated than they appear. For example, in my case, I was obviously switched in the maternity hospital, and am really a princess

Places, on the other hand, are far more straightforward! I absolutely love looking at OS maps and old maps.

We found an old map of our area, I can't remember the exact date but it was 1720s. On it there is the main road, the pub just across & down the road from us, & our house. That was it!

Lots of old maps here. What device are you using, Criminy? You'll not be able to view them on a phone.

Ah, I'm on an iphone.

Perhaps MIND would be a good place for your DH to seek support for himself? Lots of info on their website.

Just checking in Criminy. Glad to hear that you're sounding a bit more 'settled'.

Unfortunately I can 't join in on the exciting house history discussion - I live in a 1960s box!

Morning Criminy. I hope they get your pain meds sorted today.

Thinking of you. and I'll be back later.

Hiya Criminy. I've been following and just wanted to say I think you're doing brilliantly well - you've posted here and you are getting help and trying all angles. We are all thinking of you so I hope the positive thoughts are a booster. Hugs

Morning all! I'm just off to take my DM to see her oncologist, so back later.

Criminy, might they delay/extend your fag break tomorrow, so you can watch the eclipse? Max at 9:30-ish.

Here's some daffs I found in a secret place. MN HQ thought they'd hidden them - ha!

Morning everyone!
They've promised to get my pain meds sorted today, I'll believe that when I see it. I'm totally fed up of lying on my bed, but sitting or walking hurts too much. Surely this is inhumane, or neglectful, or something?

I asked one of the nurses about whether it'd be possible to watch the eclipse tomorrow (& I actually studied astrophysics for a bit so v interested), she seemed doubtful but said I'd have to ask whoever's on tomorrow morning.

So bored. When DH comes in next (no idea when that'll be though) I'm going to ask him to bring in some of my physics degree textbooks. I'm struggling to concentrate on novels, maybe textbooks/problems/maths etc would be easier.

Thankyou all so much for the good thoughts and kind words
(those really are sneaky daffs!!)

Oof, meant to say sorry to hear about your mum Lammily .

They've sorted my naproxen out but not my dihydrocodeine. Fgs.

I'm really struggling with my compulsions at the moment. I want to destroy myself. I'm torn between lying to them so they let me go & I can then destroy myself, & telling them somehow. But I don't know how to. Somebody just caught me head banging on my bed (I've always done it) & told me not to do it, then went away.
I'm so confused.

Criminy, I have an A-level textbook which you might like. It's about 30 years old, but Physics doesn't change that quickly, does it?
If you'd like me to post it, just message me with your name, ward and hospital unit (I'll google for postcode, etc).

Good news for my DM, by the way. Tumour still dormant, thank goodness.

Hi Criminy. First link is free online OU courses. Maths and things.

www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses

This link is a live eclipse feed.

new.livestream.com/accounts/8724297/events/3807156/player?width=560&height=315&autoPlay=true&mute=false

I'm hoping that they've sorted your other meds now too. Chronic pain is exhausting. Would you like a puzzle book sending in?

Lammily good news about your DM.

Hugs. When I was inpatient I couldn't really concentrate on reading either. I did lots of colouring books and puzzle books. Littke quick things that had some instant gratification. I can email you some a-level maths papers if you fancy them?
It's awful that they still haven't got your pain meds sorted. Could you try to speak to your GP, maybe get them to call the ward and make them sort your meds out?

You're all so brilliant, Thankyou

My pain meds have finally been sorted out, yay. Just need to wait while they get built back up into my system now.

I still have no idea what the plan is for here. They've not discussed any plans, options, treatment, discharge or anything. I had to have some lorazepam last night to try & get to sleep because my thoughts were really severe. I scratched my arms until they bled. Apparently on mon I'm scheduled for a ward round with my named nurse, maybe he can shed some light on things.

The DC are coming to visit on Saturday morning though! Apparently there's a family room with toys & books etc. , you book it for hour slots, so hopefully that will be good.

Managed to see the eclipse through a window! It took a bit of hunting to find the right window, but found it in the end.