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Mental health

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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

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Original poster

Criminy · 17/03/2015 08:39

Didn't get much sleep. When I got here they said I had a side-room but it was too late to move beds around so would I mind going onto the dormitory & they'd move me in the morning. I didn't mind. But I don't think they're going to move me.

I'm just sat on my bed now. I don't know what else to do. There are communal areas but I don't really know what that means & I don't really want to be around people anyway.

I've been racking my brains trying to think of a way to kill myself. But they've thought of everything & I can't think of a way. I don't like not having a plan.

OP posts:

LammilyDoll · 17/03/2015 09:41

You can still have a plan, Criminy, just with a different timescale. I know you find it comforting to have a plan.

But please try to be open and honest with the doctors and nurses. If you can't speak about these things, then I'm sure they'll be okay with you writing it down.

Oh, and those other people . . . when you get to talk, you'll find some of them are really lovely people (like you).

Original poster

Criminy · 17/03/2015 10:21

Just saw a nurse. She said I can't stay in my cubicle all day so has made me come into the lounge. She had a bit of a go at me for not talking and not trying to get better. But I don't know what to say, & I can't get better because I'm not ill.

OP posts:

Original poster

Criminy · 17/03/2015 10:28

Although if I try & do what they want me to then maybe they'll let me go, then I can go & do it. I just don't know what they want me to do. I can't cope with vague things like "you need to talk", I need a list of concrete things that I have to do.

OP posts:

LammilyDoll · 17/03/2015 10:33

Criminy, you work in a path lab examining tissue samples. So think about this:

A woman finds a lump in her breast. But it's okay, she knows it's not cancer, she just has "lumpy breasts". It's normal for her, it's not a problem. And a few months later she dies of cancer.

Whereas if she realised that it might possibly be a disease, an illness, she would go to her GP. Then she would have a biopsy, to be examined in a path lab. And a few months later, after treatment, she would be healthy again.

See what I'm trying to say?

So why do you keep insisting that you are not ill? You can't possibly know, like that woman can't know whether she has cancer.

Just give it a try. If it works, that's great. If it doesn't, then there'll be other ways of helping you manage "the real you".

Original poster

Criminy · 17/03/2015 11:14

That's a very good analogy, I see your point. Thankyou.

I'm just not sure what they want me to do. There's lots of staff around, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've always struggled with that - I need a routine, a schedule.

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LammilyDoll · 17/03/2015 11:22

Okay, here's a task for you. Do you have pen and paper? If not, ask for some.

Draw a timeline down the middle. To the left, put significant life events (new job, marriage, birth of kids, etc). On the right, put health matters, inc epilepsy, mental health problems, bad back, etc. Maybe include your meds, if you can recall them.

Report back to Teacher Lammily, when you've finished your homework!

That'll give you a framework, for when they want you to talk.

Original poster

Criminy · 17/03/2015 16:57

Sorry, I don't have any paper & don't know where to get some from.

They've given me this thing to fill in, it's called "getting to know you." It asks lots of questions, like what my interests & hobbies are, what's my favourite food, music, tv programme, film, holiday destination etc...

I'm just staring at it with no idea how to answer those questions. I don't know what to do.

I just had a meeting with the doctors. There were 3 doctors & a nurse on one side of the room & me on the other. I had to tell them yet again what has been happening. I'm fed up of repeating myself. They basically said I'm a terrible mother for wanting to kill myself & leave my kids. I said I know, that's one of the reasons that I need to do it, so they can be rid of me. But that's just by-the-by, I just know I need to kill myself.

OP posts:

LammilyDoll · 17/03/2015 17:06

Goodness, that's a very strange way for the doctors to behave. I have no experience of their "interrogation techniques", but maybe another Mumsnetter will be able to throw some light on it. However, at least you have been honest with them, so well done x

wfrances · 17/03/2015 17:37

seriously ! they gave you a form to fill in ,wanting to know your hobbies ect...
i wouldnt be able to answer either.
dont they get it? they make me so angry,with their forms.

i ve just had an assessment form - what things do you like to do?
what makes you feel better? how do you think we can best help you?
are you in the right frame of mind to work with us ?

the actual problem is - i dont like anything, i dont feel anything and no longer have the cognitive ability or energy to answer your questionnaires.

MrsEvadneCake · 17/03/2015 20:59

Evening Criminy. I hope you are ok. Been thinking about you. The form sounds quite overwhelming.

Original poster

Criminy · 17/03/2015 21:51

I haven't done the form, I've just left it on my desk. I almost wish they hadn't given it to me because I can't stop thinking about using the pen to kill myself.

I've heard the odd nurse say that if I want a chat just say, but I don't know how to bother them because they're always busy & I wouldn't know what to say anyway.

I found a metal curtain hook on my bed, it must have fallen down. I SH'd. I don't even know why.

The compulsion to destroy myself is almost overwhelming.

OP posts:

LammilyDoll · 17/03/2015 22:03

Oh sweetheart, please go tell a nurse about the SH. Please. They can help, that's what they are there for.

LammilyDoll · 17/03/2015 22:04

And if you can't say the words, just show them.

TheSilveryPussycat · 17/03/2015 22:16

Sometimes, unfortunately, you have to follow nurses about, they are supposed to be putting patients first of course, but (at least where I was) always had something admin or housekeepingish to do.

Please take the curtain hook to a member of staff, and explain what's happened. They do not seem to fully understand how much help you need, which tbh is making me a bit

MrsEvadneCake · 17/03/2015 22:24

I second what the others have said. Give the pen and hook to a nurse and tell them you can't have them because you'll SH with them again. The form can wait. You aren't being a bother, the nurses are there for you.

LammilyDoll · 17/03/2015 22:52

I'm off to bed now, see you in the morning Criminy. Night night x

Annietheacrobat · 18/03/2015 07:55

Oh Criminy - hope you are feeling ok this morning and managed to get some rest.

Original poster

Criminy · 18/03/2015 11:15

I told someone about the curtain hook & pen. She seemed happy. She asked me if I'd used them & I said yes. She asked if I'd show her & I did. I've refused to show my newer cuts to anyone so far, but I did. They're not v bad though. She asked me why I did it, & what I was feeling when I did it, but I just don't know. I just did it. I don't think I felt anything. Whenever I say things like that I think they think I'm lying/being awkward, but it's the truth. They still haven't sorted out my pain meds. I usually take 500mg Naproxen morning & Eve, & 2 or 3x30mg dihydrocodeine 4 times a day. They've only been allowing me 1 dihydrocodeine twice a day & no naproxen. I hurt. Apparently they're going to get a doctor to see me later.

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 18/03/2015 11:35

criminy sorry to hear about the state of your pain medication, but glad to hear you've reported the SH. sending you all the best

LammilyDoll · 18/03/2015 11:59

Awww Criminy, I know it's tough, but I am so proud of you! Have a gold star

MrsEvadneCake · 18/03/2015 17:35

Criminy you did the right thing showing them. I'm so proud of you. Would you like anything? A letter or card or anything sending in?

LammilyDoll · 18/03/2015 18:11

That's a nice idea, Evadne. It'll prove you exist . . . 'cos I'm a bit concerned Criminy will tell them she's got loads of invisible friends, with weird names like MrsEvadneCake and LammilyDoll (to name just two). Then what will they diagnose?

MrsEvadneCake · 18/03/2015 18:35

Am I not invisible... I'd have put my good Pj's on if I knew you could see me!!

Lammily

LammilyDoll · 18/03/2015 18:51

I got out of shower this morning, to see a crowd of about 20 young people with clipboards staring at my house
I'd have been very grateful for any PJs, new or old, right then

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