I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

Did you ask about the anti epileptics? Lamilly is right you can't know it is the way you are. There is a serious possibility that this could be a side effect of the meds you are on! I'm sorry to keep banging on about it

Criminy I'm so glad that your mom is with you and they are helping. If you can stay in touch please do. I'm thinking of you.

This is just too much, I can't do it. I don't know if I can stop myself going out tonight when everyone's in bed. A last-ditch attempt to avoid the hospital.

I was thinking that I should probably sort some bits out to take with me, but I have no idea what. But then it just hit me - I cannot allow myself to go there. So I need to act.

Oh, & I asked about the anti-epileptics, he just said anything's possible, but they'd look at my meds once I'm admitted. He prescribed me stronger diazepam for the next couple of days.,

Lammily - how was your day in the hills?

criminy can you tell your DM you need her with you all the time atm as in actually in sight?

Hold on till tomorrow.

I had a fabulous day, thank you. Mountain biking makes me feel like a little kid again!

Afterwards I called at a really nice organic farm, for coffee and cake. The tearoom is upstairs, so you look down into the milking parlour, to watch the cows being milked.

They host a project called Growing Well which provides an opportunity for people with mental health difficulties to spend some time working outdoors. Also for volunteers interested in organic farming. The nice thing is, no-one knows which category anyone falls into. I wonder if there's anything like that near you?

What is it you are frightened of exactly, Criminy? Is it actually being in hospital, or the possible treatments? Or frightened of becoming a different person?

It's okay to feel frightened, it's perfectly normal.

And I think you have been very frightened for the last few days/weeks anyway.

Are you going to ask DM and DH to help you stay safe tonight?

I am thinking of you Criminy. I agree can you ask your dm to stay close to you.

Get together:Nice comfy outfit, smellies you like, hairbrush/toothbrush and medication, book or colouring things. Then you won't be worried if they say you are going.

Like Silvery said please tell your mom.

Lammily that sounds fantastic. I wish I'd had such a nice day. It was awful today. I'd give anything to see some trees right now.

Awww, Evadne - I'm sorry you had a rotten day. No trees, but did you manage to see the sky?

I did. As I ran out of school chasing an escaping pupil! dreadful day

Tomorrow is a new day however. Nursery cover in the morning and a lego wedo course in the afternoon.

They just called, they have a bed. Just trying to arrange transport

Near your home Criminy?

We'll still be here for you, m'dear

Just catching up here criminy. You can do this.

The hospital arent going to make you a different person. They will just help get rid of these intrusive thoughts and help you feel calm and able to think straight.

I know you are scared but honestly this is a positive step. You must give it a try. You said you would try and to remind you of that. We are all here rooting for you. You can do this.

Yes, about 20 miles away in Derby, nearest unit to my house.

That's good. Remember to pack phone and charger, take a little cash if you can. It'll be alright, you need to be somewhere safe atm with no worries about cooking, house, kids, H etc.

Ok. Once you are there I'd like to stay in touch if you can.

So so proud of you for trying.

Good luck Criminy. X

Good luck lovely. Xx

I'm all booked in now, blimey that was long-winded. I'm on 15-minute obs, doesn't sound fun. Thankyou for all the wishes & luck, I need as much as I can get xxx

Lovely to hear from you, Criminy. Thanks for thinking of us.
I hope you manage some sleep tonight.
See you in the morning.

Hope you've had restful night Criminy

Morning Criminy. I hope you managed to sleep. Thank you for telling us you were all booked in. Thinking of you today x

Good morning, Criminy! How do you feel now? Still panicky?

I imagine things will move very slowly today, and you will need a lot of patience. But that's okay, that's how it works in hospital.

I'm mostly at home today, so will keep checking in to keep you company.