I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

I quote here from drugs.com "Persons who take lamactil (lamotrigine) may be at increased risk of suicidal thoughts and actions. The risk may be greater in those that have had suicidal thoughts in the past. Contact the doctor right away if suicidal thoughts or actions occur."

From my experience the doctors never put together symptoms suffered with the meds you are on though unless you mention it. Please do just ask.

Morning Criminy.

I hope today is ok at day hospital. I'll be thinking of you.

That's great advice Likeafternoonnaps. MN's are amazing

Good morning everyone! How lovely to see some new faces on the thread.

Ilikeafternoonnaps, that's really shocking! Thank you for pointing out the link.

Criminy, is there a pattern emerging of feeling really desperate in the mornings, but more relaxed in the evenings? I'd have to check back through the whole thread to verify this, and I've not got the time right now. Do you think that pattern might be true?

Anyway, stay strong today, my dear. You've done so well for the last week, and you can manage today as well. LDx

I've never heard that about lamotrigine before, I'll ask. It's controlling my seizures though. Eep.

I got a bit of sleep, but not until gone 3am. I had a very strong compulsion to do it. But I'm still here, just a bit more battered.

Thankyou everybody for your wishes, it actually really means a lot x

Just googled lamotrigine - I am VERY CROSS that your doctor didn't spot the problem

The doctor is supposed to be coming this morning to talk about my meds, so I'll definitely ask him about the lamotrigine.

I'm not sure if there's a pattern of feeling really bad in the morning.

I just seem to go through patches of confusion. I want to go so badly, but then I go through patches where the doubts creep in & I worry about doing it wrong. Then I dampen that down & just want to do it again. Either way, it's all I can think of.

It is so difficult Criminy if you struggle to find a drug that controls your seizures. But it may be affecting your mental health for sure. If it is contributing then the doctors can help work with that.

i don't know how it is for adults as my ds is only little and has learning difficulties so cannot express how the meds making him feel but the doctors are often unwilling to say they could be causing problems for him. So they may fob you off and give you more drugs to counteract the drugs you are taking.

I don't know why they chose lamotrigine, but I'm sure there are other drugs to try. The usual pattern, for all meds, is they start off with the cheapest. Then if it doesn't suit the patient, they move on to more expensive alternatives. So I'm sure there will be something better for you to try.

How do you feel, Criminy, about the idea that your meds might be causing these feelings?

Off out now, for a day in the hills (I'm not skiving, honest - it's for my health and wellbeing ). No internet, but I will be sending positive vibes in your direction, Criminy.
Back this evening, and looking forward to your updates. Stay strong, sweetie.

Re: epilepsy - it's an odd one because it just started completely out of the blue. Although it's possible I'd been having seizures at night for years. I started on topiramate, but it didn't stop the seizures & I couldn't cope with how ill I felt on such a high dose of it. So added lamotrigine & increased it v slowly up to a medium-dose & my seizures finally stopped. I'm a bit scared to come off of it, I need my driving licence back (& I went through a stage of not leaving the house because I was having partial complex seizures at least once a day) & I'm scared if I change my meds my seizures will come back again.

I'm getting fed up with waiting for the phone to ring. That's all I've done for the past week. The crisis team just call 1-3 hours before they get here, but I've no idea when they're going to call, not even morning or afternoon. Last night he said a doctor would come in the morning, but I'm guessing that's not going to happen. Maybe they won't come at all.

The thing is, I know they're busy, & there are people who are actually ill that they have to deal with. So I don't really know what they can do or why I'm seeing them. They said I'm ill, but I'm not, this is just how I am.

criminy have just got back today but have been thunking about you over the weekend. So pleased you are still here!
Sorry it has been a tough few days but very proud of you for resisting those urges. You are a strong lady! One day your children will thank you for finding that inner strength. Hang in there.

Good luck with the doc today. Interested to what he saus about the link with suicidal thoughts and your epilepsy meds.

criminy you deserve to be seen as much as anyone. You are ill and you not being able to see that shows just how unwell you are. You will get better just hang on in there.
How is the dog? Bum dried up?

I totally understand your fears re the epilepsy drugs, but a quick google suggests there could be at least 3 other potential drugs that may work for complex partial seizures and several other combination therapies that could be tried.

Please just consider these thoughts may not be you They may be induced by the medicine you are taking and surely tweaking the meds would have to be better.

You are being so strong, hang in there.

Sorry also just thought and have checked but topimarate can also cause suicidal thoughts and actions.

Everyone reacts very differently to anti epileptics and epilepsy effects people very differently. But if it is your drugs there will be changes I am sure to make you feel better. These meds often take a lot of adjusting and can change and fluctuate in your response over time

Please, please do discuss it with them.

Hope your day is unfolding as per last night's plan.

I've been on lamotragine, as an AD for bi-polar - but it just gave me rapid mood swings. What a pain it was having to increase it slowly to start with, and then decrease it slowly to stop.

Hey Criminy hope you are doing ok today.

Psychiatrist came. He wants to admit me, into either the crisis house or the hospital, whichever has a bed first. Implication was that if I didn't go voluntarily they'd make me. My mum's here, I got him to vaguely tell her what's going on - that we're waiting for a bed because he couldn't say that I could maintain my safety. But he didn't tell her any more detail than that.

There are no beds free anywhere near here, so the options were either look for a free bed nationwide, or get my mum to stay with me 24hours a day. So mum is staying until a bed comes free.

Hi Criminy - just checking in

I know it won't feel like it to you, dear Criminy, but believe me, that's FANTASTIC NEWS
Criminy's DM - you are a STAR!

I'm glad your mum is with you. Take care of yourself and let her look after you.

Ah we cross posted. So glad that things are moving forward for you and that your DM is on hand .

Take care

I'm scared.
I still don't think I'm "ill". This is just the way I am, the logical conclusion. But the doc basically said if that's true then what have I got to lose by doing what he wants me to (as some of you lovely people have said!) I'm just worried because of exactly that - I'm not ill, so what exactly are they going to do in hospital? If I were ill & went in then they could try & make me better, which would be a positive thing. But I'm not ill, so I'm worried they're going to do negative things.

I'm a bit scared about how they're going to measure "success" too. I'm not ill, but they say I am, so that means they want me to change. But this is "me" & if they change that then who will I be?

Of course you are scared, it's only natural. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not being in control.

You insist that you are not ill, it's simply the way you are. But as I've pointed out before, you can't know that. It's a belief, not a proven fact.

So let them try to "make you better". If you're ill, then it will work. If you are not ill, then they can help you to find ways of keeping your thoughts and feelings under control.

Who will you be? How about the same person, but without the compulsive thoughts. The person who enjoys being out in the countryside, or looking at sunsets, or mucking about with your kids. The same you, only calmer and more relaxed. What have you got to lose?

Agree with Lamilly - it's natural to be scared. Fear is good. It is a more natural and appropriate reaction than ambivalence.

No one is out to change you - they are there to help you become well again. And you will. There will soon be a day when you can be no longer scared of your thoughts and you go back to living. When instead of contemplating life versus death your biggest dilemma will be your shopping list.

Thinking of you.