I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

Sorry Olivia.

Went for walk, but it rained a bit. Saw quite a few flowers coming out, & some lambs! Ordered pizza for dinner because couldn't face cooking

Crisis team are going to come at about 7/7:30pm. I just don't know what to tell them. I don't know if there's anything they, or indeed anybody, can do.

Walk sounds lovely. Pizza is a good plan. I've tidied my dining table and eaten a lot of chocolate. Feeling very tired today.

Tell them you were going to do it this afternoon and the feeling is getting overwhelming. That it's very bad at the moment.

Well you've been to Asda, tidied your dining table & eaten chocolate - that sounds like an accomplished day. Good stuff!

They'll (well actually I think it'll be a "he") will ask me what stopped me. I'm not sure how to answer that. I'm so confused. I don't even know what I want help with. I don't know why I just don't do it, I want to do it so badly, I ache to do it.

Tell him that. Don't try to think what you should say. Just say whatever comes out.
Hang on.

Yes, as Evadne said, just tell them you have an overwhelming compulsion to "do it". That you have planned it in some detail.

And if you can't bear to say it out loud, just ask him to look at this thread. I presume your posts show in a different colour, so he can quickly scroll through all that you've written.

Tell him that Mumsnet stopped you

Little lambs - how lovely!

Reminds me of a little boy I used to occasionally look after, about the same age as yours. On a walk, I noticed some wool caught on a fence, and asked him if he knew what it was. His reply? "Is it a cloud?" So cute!

Thanks Criminy, you're right.

We will all be here. Just be as honest as possible. It's instinct to play it down. Not to cause any bother. But you need to not do that.
How is your leg BTW?

I think I'll copy & paste a few of my posts from here into a document to show him. I think that will be easier than trying to say it. And you're right, I need to try & not play it down. Other than that, you're right, I need to just let it all come out.

My leg is painful, but it's a sort of sweet pain. I can't bend it properly because the steristrips pull though. And the kids keep sitting on my lap, that's a bit sore cos it's my thigh that's worst. Although I have caught myself hitting it to make it hurt for some reason.

That's an excellent idea - well done!

Please just keep an eye on it for infection. If need be let them help you dress it.

You're being really brave and I think that's a great idea to put your posts in. Please put this mornings in and like you said, let it all out.

Thankyou all so much

And don't worry about this, Criminy. They won't make you do anything you don't agree with. You are still in control.

No need to apologise to us - our only wish is for you to have the back up of RL help alongside the very real support here on MN
Kindest again

Hope they are there being helpful

Crisis man just came. I showed him some things I'd written. He was talking about admitting me to hospital, but I wasn't sure. I was trying to be completely honest but I couldn't stop thinking that I need to stay out of hospital so that I can still do it.

We wrote a plan for tonight - take my meds, watch TV for a bit then go to bed. He's going to get the doctor to come see me ASAP tomorrow morning.

He made me promise not to do anything tonight. I said I'll try. He started talking about admission again, but we agreed that I would really try not to do anything tonight. If I go to leave the house I have to call the crisis team.

So I'm supposed to just get through tonight alive.

Ok. Then that's exactly what you do. You follow the plan and ring them if you need them.

Did you have your pizza?

That was a brave thing to do - well done, Criminy. Is talking to us on MN written into your plan too?

Is your DH around, or is he off doing his hobby*? Could you show the print-out to him? Would that help?

• He's not a MAMIL, is he???

What is that??? MAMIL??

I know better than to google things from MN

Middle Aged Man in Lycra

ah!!!

I just need to keep saying - get through tonight.

He's not a MAMIL! (Although last year he went through a running phase complete with all the clobber) He's in a band. He's been here all weekend, but was out Fri night & will be out tomorrow night.

Not sure about showing him. I really struggle with talking to him about "stuff".

Pizza was good though!

Yes it's less time than you've already done. And the plan is there.

Ohhhh my DH is in a band. He plays bass.

I had curry (takeaway) . And cake. I feel very full now.

My DH plays bass too!

What a coincidence they take up a lot of room in the house don't they!! I wish he played tambourine. Easier to store

I'm busy making a practice easter card for my craft club.

Tissue paper. Laminate. Insert in cardboard mount. Ta da!!!

I can't really talk, I have a piano! (& a drum kit, but it's in the loft). He has lots of basses. And lots of amp thingies.

That Easter egg looks v good, I've never seen one done like that.