I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

My DH talks about flying somewhere one day. But the people. I'm my space. In a tin can. In the sky. Nope.

My folks keep saying a family cruise would be perfect for us - kids clubs, night nannies, all food sorted...sounds great until you realise there will be several thousand other people all thinking the same thing! I can't even go shopping on a Saturday because there's too many people.

We haven't been on holiday for 6 years (& so never with the DC). Maybe one day!

Actually, the painkillers are an odd one. Everybody except pain management want me off them, pain management realise that I need them to function. All I can take is dihydrocodeine. I appear to be allergic to morphine, & can't take tramadol or Nefopam because I have epilepsy. So I'm stuck with dihydrocodeine, but psych are not very happy about it. I rattle!

If you ever feel like you can do a holiday I know a lovely little caravan site on a hill in Wales. Very quiet village. Lovely beach. Funnily enough it's my favourite place to go

We've thought about Wales before - nice beaches, not ridiculously far away, both of us holidayed there as kids. Our main issue is that DH is a contractor, so if he doesn't work then he doesn't get paid. So for example, if a week's holiday costs £1000 all in, it's actually costing us about £2000. Which is a hell of a lot of money for a week in Wales!

We had been thinking about maybe going away this June - DS starts school in Sept so will be last chance in term-time. I was looking at Eurocamp in France, but it's prob just pie in the sky because I think I'm going to lose my job, if I'm even still around.

Our caravan site is only ten caravans. Little play area. £400 for a three bedroom caravan at height of season. Up the hill and peaceful.

That sounds idyllic - where is it?

Children don't really need holidays, and days out can be lots of fun, also weekend breaks. Travelodge do some very cheap offers!

Sunset over my favourite beach!

www.northfieldholidays.co.uk

It's Borth. Nine miles from Aberystwith.

True. We're very lucky to live where we do, there's so many places to go for days out (although a distinct lack of beaches!) It's just getting DH to agree to go somewhere. He always moans at me saying I never want to go anywhere, but what actually happens is I suggest lots of places but he doesn't fancy any of them, & can't think of any of his own ideas.

I'm in the Midlands. No beach. But lots of open green spaces not too far away.

Oh wow, that place looks amazing! And Aberystwyth area is such a lovely drive from us. I've only been once, when I went to look at Aberystwyth uni, but it was lovely.

Now, do they have Welsh cakes? I've missed those. And lavabread & bacon!

I'm in Derbyshire

They do have welsh cakes. The bacon in the local butchers is amazing (says DH, I'm veggie)

There is a pub that backs onto the beach and two lovely tea shops. It's just a little seaside town. Not overwhelming. Hence I get on really well there
I go to Aber when I feel brave. I know the quiet bits to stop in and catch my breath.
Which uni did you end up at?

Derbyshire is beautiful

Derbyshire is fantastic, I often go there for days out. Sometimes by car, and sometimes by train (Manchester Wayfarer ticket gets me to Buxton or Hathersage very cheaply)

What sort of holidays did you have as a child, Criminy?
We used to camp by a beach in West Wales. I've no idea how my parents coped, with 4 children and practically no facilities. The best bit (for us kids) was when the tent blew down in the middle of the night. We spent the remaining holiday retrieving our belongings from the surrounding area

I once had amazing bacon sandwiches in Derbyshire

We'd been camping in Bakewell in torrential rain and were cold and damp after packing the tent up.

We ended up at Chatsworth, rather cold and grumpy, where we discovered a tea room or something on the way into the estate. Ordered bacon sandwiches for our breakfast. They were luscious and cheered us both up. And then the sun came out. I must to back!

It's beautiful up here. Haven't been to Chatsworth for a while now, must go soon, it's not v far.

I ended up at Cardiff Uni, but never graduated.

We didn't go on many holidays when I was a child. A few times we stayed in a caravan near Snowdonia, & one summer we went to the Austrian Alps.

I went to Birmingham Uni. I was a mature student so went near home.

We had our holidays at Borth as children. I've been all over the UK since meeting my DH. Never felt like going abroad. However one day I would love to go to Hawaii. But. The. Plane.

Ah, I'm originally from Bristol, so Cardiff wasn't very far.

DH & I have been to Canada, Ireland & Iceland, & when I was a kid we used to go to the U.S. a fair bit cos my mum worked out there a lot. I think I'm a bit intimidated by taking the kids away - not sure what to do with them really!

Have you ever been on a plane?

No never. Not even had a passport. DH has been to Europe and travels to Ireland with work (HGV driver)

Tbh I'm not sure you're really missing out, there's some lovely, varied places in the UK!

I'm off to try & get some sleep now, hope you manage some too xx

Night xxx

Hope you sleep well x