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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Criminy · 14/03/2015 09:31

Morning everyone.

The dog diarrhoea'd all over the rug again in the night. I should've taken the rug away before I went to bed, but hindsight & all that...

Both kids ended up in our bed last night. I've got to do something about their sleeping, but the trouble is they sneak in so I don't realise when they're actually coming in. DS in particular needs more sleep, he's got sleep apnoea & is waiting for a polysomnography study to be done, among other issues.

I'm still not sleeping very well. With all the tablets I take in the evening I should pass out, but I don't.

I'm just so tired. Has anyone ever had restless legs? That's the sort of compulsion I have to kill myself. In the night when I can't get to the tracks I fantasise about taking all my meds, or cutting into my femoral artery. But I'm very scared that the meds will just cause liver/kidney failure instead. It's such an effort not to do it though.

I'm such a ray of sunshine!

It's miserable & grey here. I too need to sort some washing out, I've been ignoring it all week.

I hope you all have a lovely day, thankyou all for your support.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 14/03/2015 09:52

I'm sure you'll have a hectic day, Criminy, but might you find a quiet 5 minutes, to tell your sister about your "thoughts"?
Or could you talk to your dad?

Original poster
Criminy · 14/03/2015 15:19

The crisis team just came round. Hopefully I'll have a medical review on Mon to look at my meds. They're going to refer me to the day hospital too. They said if that doesn't work then there's the crisis house, & if I need it there's hospital admission.

I just don't see the point, it seems like such a waste of people's time. They'd be better to use it on someone who can be helped.

They gave me some diazepam, I know that does bugger all though, especially at that dose. I've got 3 days' supply (9 tablets), so I'm just going to neck them all. Maybe I'll feel something then. There's not enough to do anything bad. They're coming back tomorrow.

I'm just so tired of it all.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 14/03/2015 15:34

criminy sorry my love but you are not thinking straight. You are someone who can be helped.

Please take your diazepam as directed, and note the results - even if they don't seem to help. This is all valuable information which will help at the medical review.

LammilyDoll · 14/03/2015 15:37

Criminy, I don't care whether you can see the point or not.
I think you are ill, and can get better.
You think it's just you, it's how you are.
So let's do a little experiment, just for a few days.
All you have to do is co-operate with the medical people for the next few days, and then we might begin to see whether you are correct, or I am.

Could you do that? Let's say until the eclipse next Friday. Is that a deal?

MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 15:39

Stop right there!! You are worthy of people's time and of help at the day hospital.

This is a positive step. It's not much but a step. Tablets...take them properly. Unless they are already knecked in which case do you feel ok??
Try the hospital. I know you must be exhausted mentally and physically. You have nothing to lose though. You can get well; fabulous. You can not get well; just proves what you've thought. Personally I think you'll feel a better with time and you can then decide what to about your DH etc.

Please try. I believe in you and your worth.

In other news I've done nothing and need to get my arse in gear!!

How's poopy dog?

MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 15:41

That's three of us...all seeing your worth.

Original poster
Criminy · 14/03/2015 16:23

Ok. I shall try to try.

If/When it doesn't work then I think the knowledge that I tried & failed will negate the worry about not doing it properly. The risk will be smaller. So then I won't have to try not to any more, I can just give it my all.

I just don't understand why anybody would do something positive for someone like me though. So that's leading me to wonder what exactly they're going to do in the day hospital. Logically, that means they're going to do negative things. So maybe I'll end up worse off. But then I guess if that's the case it will again negate the worry of not doing it properly. If anything, it would make it easier. So I shall try.

I took 7 of the pills already though. I just took 14mg; I used to take 10-15mg when my back went into spasm after an epileptic seizure. I feel fine, no difference at all. Was a bit stupid because I've effectively wasted them now - I should've just added them to my stash.

I'm really sorry everyone. I really appreciate your time though. Keep reminding me I said I'd try, please?

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 14/03/2015 16:35

How long ago did you take them? Any idea how long they are supposed to take to come on?

(DP swore by diazepam - in low dose - when he was fighting alcohol demons (which are now totally defeated, we think))

Original poster
Criminy · 14/03/2015 16:45

I think I took them about an hour ago, I'm sure they would've come on by now. I'm not small by any means either.

(Well done to your DH - I know people who have never managed to get in control of their drinking, & are ruled by it, so he's done brilliantly.)

OP posts:
MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 16:46

Don't be sorry. I'm so glad you'll try. So very glad.

LammilyDoll · 14/03/2015 16:48

Okay, that sounds like a deal to me Grin
What have you done with the remaining 2 tablets? Given them to the dog?

TheSilveryPussycat · 14/03/2015 16:59

Make a brief note as to how you're feeling, every hour?

Will be thinking of you, and checking back...

Original poster
Criminy · 14/03/2015 17:07

I'm no good with new things. I'm starting to panic about the idea of the day hospital. I won't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm so sorry for being so utterly, utterly useless.

I've still got the other 2 tablets, I thought I should probably still be able to produce one if requested for some reason.

OP posts:
MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 17:13

Don't panic. It's ok. If you don't know what to it's ok. No one knows what to do the first time they do things. If they are coming back tomorrow you can ask the crisis team what you want.

Would you like to get some questions for them together with us?

MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 17:15

AND no more sorrys lovely. We know you are struggling and you aren't useless. Just overwhelmed.

MummySparkle · 14/03/2015 17:25

Hugs. I know thoure probably feeling even worse at the moment, but there are all really positive steps. You are doing brilliantly hun xXx

LammilyDoll · 14/03/2015 18:20

I understand, Criminy - I hate new things too. It's all about needing to feel in control, I think.

But actually, I don't suppose you'll need to do anything. Just sit, watch and listen. That'll do for starters. And make sure you have enough money for a taxi home, in case you feel the need to escape.

MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 19:12

I'm the same Lammily. I have a plan like how will I get home etc. it helps me to manage.

Original poster
Criminy · 14/03/2015 19:53

I don't even know what questions to ask. I've never been anywhere like that before. Will they let me take my painkillers? What do you actually do there? Is there somewhere small & quiet I can go if I get overwhelmed? When I went into actual hospital when I was pregnant (just ante-natal ward), it was too much & I just kept rocking & hitting my head. They called on-call psych to me.

I need to work out a way to get home, you're right. I can't get a taxi though, it's about 20 miles away (in nearest city). There must be buses though. They said there's transport so I don't have to worry about it. But I need my own escape plan.

Thankyou all so much for being so lovely Flowers

OP posts:
MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 20:13

You could ask them those things up there Smile
Like Lammily said you just need to go and they will explain things.

You deserve loveliness

LammilyDoll · 14/03/2015 20:24

There are various websites to plan a journey, depending on which region you are in. Also, the hospital website should have a section on public transport. Print off the bus timetables to take with you. Look on Google Streetview for the bus-stop.

LammilyDoll · 14/03/2015 20:28

On a slightly different subject, I've just been reading the Travel section in the newspaper. Does anyone else find the thought of a cruise a total nightmare? All those people, and no chance of going home. I'd be happier in a rowing boat, even in the middle of an ocean.

MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 20:36

Snap!! Anything like that would be a nightmare.

MummySparkle · 14/03/2015 20:36

You will be allowed your painkillers so long as they're on orescription. Chances are the staff will keep hold of them, but you should be a lei access them when you ask