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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
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inmyshoos · 13/03/2015 12:41

Couldnt have said it better myself lammilydoll.

Criminy were the crisis team easy to talk to? Were you able to open up to them?

Hope dog gets on ok at vets

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 12:54

I'll admit that I hadn't thought about being dared to not do it.

They kept saying that they need to do some things to help me get back to normal. But I think I am normal. So I don't know what they can do.

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BisleyBoy · 13/03/2015 12:58

Do you have a psychiatrist criminy?

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 13:01

I've had enough, it's too much.

I think I managed to talk to them ok. They were asking about when did I last feel happy & I told them I don't think I have emotions, certainly not consciously, so I don't know about being happy. They said they know I have Aspergers & maybe that was causing issues with emotions.

They kept wanting to see my cuts. I told them no, I've taken care of them & taped them together. They really wanted to see them.

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Branleuse · 13/03/2015 13:04

You love your children, so remember this, and be determined to not inflict the sort of carnage on them that suicide would, because it would. Its the sort of thing that a child doesnt get over, and youre kidding yourself to think it would. This is in the meantime while youre waiting to get back good feelings about your own life.

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 13:07

Re: LammilyDoll's earlier post -
I can't see a way to sort out a lot of those issues though. And other people have lots of similar issues but they get on fine. So it must be something innate inside of me.

I sort of see what you're saying though - try to fix some issues & then if that doesn't work I can still end it.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 14:56

It's not like you are planning to shoot yourself, and they're trying to take your gun away.
You'll still have your "Stop the world, I want to get off" ticket. It's just not dated for today, or tomorrow, or next week.

I don't believe it's something purely innate, I really think it's your circumstances. Some of these will resolve themselves, given time. Others need a bit (or a lot) of sorting out.

I DARE YOU to start sorting!

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 16:37

I'm not even sure if I'm in control of killing myself or not. My SH has got a bit out of control - I don't even make a conscious decision to do it, I just seem to find myself doing it.

I suppose maybe that means it's just a natural process.

I think the logical conclusion is that one day I'll just walk to the train tracks without actually knowing.

I don't even know where or how to start sorting this mess out, if there's even any point.

I think the kids are young enough now that they won't really remember. But they'd be well rid of me tbh.

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BisleyBoy · 13/03/2015 16:54

criminy, I'm not sure if you saw my post up thread, but I asked if you have a psychiatrist that you see regularly. If you don't, then that's something that your gp should probably refer you for. If you do, could you give them a call? I think you need to be seen urgently to talk/review your medication.

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 17:37

Ah, sorry, no I don't have a psychiatrist any more, I was discharged last month (I think). The crisis team said they would try & get a doctor to come out & see me next week to talk about my medication.

DH got home & was very short with me. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. I said did he want to leave, because he's clearly not happy. He said he's not happy because I said I wanted to kill myself & the only thing stopping me is the thought that I might get it wrong, not because I love him & the kids. I said that it's obvious they'd be better off without me, & anyway, it's not like it's a completely conscious thing, it's like a compulsion. It's like my body is trying to go & do it, & it's a conscious effort not to, but I know that's selfish of me because everyone would be happier if I just went, so I just need to have some confidence that I can actually do it. He said then I need to call the crisis team & get them to admit me. I said I'd told them. He said since I told him the other day he's scared when an unknown caller calls his mobile because he's scared of what they're going to tell him. And he's scared of what the kids might find at home. I said I'd never do it at home. He asked what crisis team had talked about, I told him.

Then he said "you've been cutting yourself again." I asked why he said that, he said because nobody has a lump like that on their leg (from dressing). Then he said "for god's sake, I thought we were well past all of that." Then the kids got home.

I just don't know what to think any more.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 18:35

You poor loves, you are both very frightened and out of your depth, aren't you?

Criminy, please consider asking for a voluntary admission, just for a short break. Just until this crisis has passed. Let people help you. Please.

LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 18:38

Criminy, I'm going out for a couple of hours to take some stuff to my DS's brand new house. But I'll be back later this evening to talk some more.

TheSilveryPussycat · 13/03/2015 19:01

Not got much time atm but just popping in to send strength.

Would you let DH push for more immediate help on your behalf? Would he do it?

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 19:29

I don't think they'd admit me even if I asked. They said their job is to keep people out of hospital. DH has gone out to his hobby now, the kids are acting up & not going to bed & the dog's just done copious quantities of diarrhoea all over the playroom rug.

I'm just so confused.

I really do appreciate the thoughts & wishes. Flowersqw

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LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 21:44

Hello Criminy, I hope your evening improved a bit.

How's the dog? I think you mentioned an op the other day?
(Did you sling out the rug?)

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 22:19

I've literally just finished getting DCs to bed. It took 2.5 hours to get DD to sleep. I'm so fed up of bed time.

I got the carpet shampooer out & washed the rug before I put DC to bed! It's a big rug. The damn floor covering is vinyl, so quite why the dog couldn't have pooed all over the vinyl instead of the rug I don't know. No idea how to get it off my slippers though.

Dog had lumps removed from his eyelid & gum, he seems to be fine apart from the diarrhoea, which I think is just from his painkillers.

How was your DS's house? Sounds exciting!

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LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 22:35

Goodness, you must be shattered! At least you should sleep well tonight.

It feels rather strange that my "little baby" is now a mortgage house-owner.

LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 22:39

I meant to ask about your sister. Will you get to see her, while she's over? Are you close?

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 22:54

I wish I'd sleep - no doubt DD will be in at some point.

My dad is coming over with my sister tomorrow. We're fairly close now, we lived 100 miles apart for a few years after I moved up here, & now with her being in India don't get to see her much, but we facetime. Before she went to India she was pretty awful, but she's grown up a lot in the last couple of years. She adores the DC though, and they her. Just as well cos she's their only aunt & they've got no uncles!

Good stuff that your DS has been able to buy though, I know it's a struggle for a lot of people. I don't think they ever stop being our babies though, at least that's what my mum tells me!

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LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 23:03

So tomorrow will be a pleasant family day for you, I hope.
I'm off to sleep now, and will check-in when I wake up.
Night night x

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 23:05

Hope you have a good sleep, night x

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MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 08:29

Morning Criminy. I've pm'd you.

I hope you got some sleep. Sounds like a lovely weekend seeing your family.

We have swimming lessons and I have mount washmore to attack.

LammilyDoll · 14/03/2015 08:55

Good morning, ladies!
Looking like a dry weekend here, a rather rare occurrence in NW. I might even be able to hang out some washing. Can't do this during the pollen season, due to hayfever.

LittleBearPad · 14/03/2015 09:00

Morning Criminy. I've read your thread. You poor chick, you're having a very tough time at the moment. I hope you slept well. There's nothing in your life that can't be fixed and made better. It might take a bit of time but it will all get better. Hang on. X

MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 09:08

Morning Lammily, Littlebear.

Lammily I'd love to put some washing out. It's grey and gloom here today.