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Original poster

Anyone around for a hand hold, waiting to be assessed under MHA

298 replies

creamhearts · 21/02/2015 15:00

Title says it all, waiting to see if I will be sectioned.

Tried to kill myself this morning and DH had to 'save' me.

Cut twice this week needing stitches.

Everything is a huge mess.

Hate self.

OP posts:
MrsMinton · 10/03/2015 19:08

Hope you are ok tonight cream.

Original poster
creamhearts · 11/03/2015 14:49

Kicked off last night and ended up in seclusion for the night :( Feel so very angry at the moment.

OP posts:
MrsMinton · 11/03/2015 19:13

Do your anti psychotics help you feel less angry? I imagine they take time to work.

Are you out of seclusion now?

madeuplovesong44 · 11/03/2015 20:15

Cream, how are you feeling tonight? I hope you are no longer in seclusion, it's not a nice place to be. I think of you often and am very sad to see things are so tough again.

So much of what you say I could have written five years ago, nice parents, good education, degree, failed teaching career, abuse, desperate indescribable emotional pain and self loathing, repeated suicide attempts and hospital admissions, damaged body. It is such a cruel disorder and so misunderstood. I was so angry too, angry that I had to tolerate this level of distress and yet feeling like no one understood or had any sympathy.

I am lucky. It got better. I got better. I am in recovery and have a meaningful life. You can to. Recovery is possible, please hold onto that.

What are the staff doing for you? Would you consider therapeutic community as a treatment option?

Try to be kind to yourself. Thinking of you x

Original poster
creamhearts · 11/03/2015 21:04

Yes out of seclusion.

Still feel so so angry.

This has been going on for 10+ years now it is hard to see an end.

They want to treat me in the community.

OP posts:
madeuplovesong44 · 11/03/2015 22:49

Glad you are out of seclusion. Might it help to write down what is making you so angry? I'm crap myself at figuring out why I get so furious.

I was in and out of hospital for 8 years and am still under the care of a psychiatrist 12 years after my nightmare started so I do understand a little bit of how hopeless it feels. I thought I had been this way all my adult life and so it could never change but it has.

I was only treated in the community but a friend I made on the ward who had suffered like you spent 18 months in therapeutic community. She got real help and was able to live a life afterwards. It's by no means a magic cure but it just seems shit that all they seem to be doing is locking you up and throwing anti psychotics at you. It's not good enough and you deserve so much more. Do you feel able to ask for more/different help?

Thinking of you x

Original poster
creamhearts · 11/03/2015 23:06

I have asked for different help but they just say I am too high functioning and need to be in the community team.

I am cross at everything. At myself. At DH. At this fucking hospital. I want to scream and shout and be ANGRY.

OP posts:
VirginiaWoofs · 11/03/2015 23:22

Hi Cream,

I have been where you are. ??

I know how angry you are and how terrible the system can be. But at the moment the hospital is a safe place and that's really important for you at the moment.

You are not a failure, you are unwell.
I'm glad to hear that you have nice parents and husband.

Also- 2 degrees plus post grad is MA massive achievement! I'm currently in the final year of my first (and only) degree.

I hope tonight/tomorrrow is going to be a bit easier for you xxxx

madeuplovesong44 · 12/03/2015 06:03

Can you have a scream and shout at someone? Let off some steam? It is totally understandable that is how you feel in this situation.

Saying you are too high functioning is just a cop out in my opinion. If they listen to you and how you feel like you have wasted your education and are desperate to have a family of your own then surely they can see that for you this is not high functioning. You have so much potential and so much strength and so even more reason for them to invest in more appropriate therapy for you. I'm so pissed on your behalf that they keep doing the same thing, putting you through the trauma of being an inpatient and expecting a different outcome.

For me, it wasn't meds or therapy that changed things. I took a voluntary post to help develop services in my trust and it has helped beyond measure. I have re framed what I thought was ten wasted years and now see it as valuable experience to help improve things for me and others. Working with mh professionals and having my opinions valued has been so validating. For the first time in my life I am doing something meaningful and enjoying it, I don't wake up hating myseIf.

I really hope you don't think I have hijacked your thread, I just wanted to let you know it can get better even if you can't see it for yourself right now.

Hope you have a better day today. I know you can survive in there and pull through this, you have shown great strength in doing it before.

If there is anything you would like sending, maybe some new colouring in stuff? I would love to help x

Original poster
creamhearts · 12/03/2015 11:15

I feel like I have tried so hard to do whatI am supposed to do, I have a job, I own my house, I go to therapy but it is all for nothing :(

OP posts:
madeuplovesong44 · 12/03/2015 12:40

Is there anything that feels worthwhile Cream? I know when I was in crisis my brain seemed to trick me into thinking anything positive in my life was a load of shit and that I was never truly happy. I would get angry when my oh would list things like job, house etc as it seemed to minimise the distress I was actually feeling. don't know if that makes any sense?

Have you anything to look forward to the next few days? X

Original poster
creamhearts · 12/03/2015 17:21

No, nothing. I just feel so down. :( Hate this.

OP posts:
madeuplovesong44 · 12/03/2015 18:01

I'm so sorry Cream and I'm sure nothing I can say can help but please just know I am listening and willing things to turn around for you. X

Sijeunessesavait · 12/03/2015 18:32

creamhearts, please know that there are people here thinking of you and willing you on. It sounds as though you have a little more energy now, and although it is manifesting itself as anger just now I so hope that you will find some positive outlets for it.

Beautiful posts, madeuplovesong44. I too would do anything to see you feel better, creamhearts. It makes me sad and angry that the resources for care of MH patients are so diminished that they can't provide the care you need and deserve, but we are here to listen and talk, so please reach out if we can help in any way.

Daffodil
Original poster
creamhearts · 12/03/2015 18:42

Thank you for your kind thoughts xx

OP posts:
snufflinghedgehog · 13/03/2015 05:21
Flowers
madeuplovesong44 · 13/03/2015 07:50

What sort of night did you have Cream? Hope you are managing some sleep?

Do you have any visitors today? X

Original poster
creamhearts · 13/03/2015 12:46

Bad night, threatened with seclusion if I didn't calm down.

Drugged up and went to sleep.

Very sad.

Think I will be discharged soon.

OP posts:
madeuplovesong44 · 13/03/2015 13:31

Sorry to hear that. Sorry they are just threatening with punishment rather than trying to understand why you are so angry and help you cope with it.

How do you feel about discharge. I hated hospital but was terrified of discharge. I would act into suicidal feelings as I needed to show staff how distressed I was. In retrospect I think the psych realised hospital wasn't helping so new I needed to be discharged.

The sadness comes across in your posts Cream and I really hope it lifts soon. Thinking of you x

Original poster
creamhearts · 13/03/2015 17:55

I am fed up of being inpatient. I want some time alone to do some damage.

Very tired today.

OP posts:
madeuplovesong44 · 13/03/2015 19:57

Feeling emotions so intensely is exhausting, no wonder you are tired. Hope you can relax and get some rest tonight.

Sorry that you are thinking of damaging yourself. Please don't. You are such a lovely person, that shines through even in your distress. You don't deserve to hurt.

madeuplovesong44 · 14/03/2015 16:35

How are you feeling today?

Original poster
creamhearts · 16/03/2015 19:50

Made a serious SU attempt today.

Had my CPA, no real way forward.

Very down.

OP posts:
madeuplovesong44 · 16/03/2015 19:50

Hope you are ok cream? Thinking of you x

madeuplovesong44 · 16/03/2015 19:55

Cross posted there....

I'm really sorry to hear about today. I can't imagine how awful and desperate you must be feeling. Hope you are physically ok now?

Please dig deep and fight this. I know you can do it, there is hope. There is a fulfilling and happy life out there for you. Please don't give up. You are so strong.

Did they have any suggestions at all? Do they want to keep you in?