I have had a sleeping tablet so this might be a bit rambling.
I am so very low, really down and I feel such a sense of injustice, why me? Why do I get all of this rubbish in my life.
I have had such a mixed up life. My parents are loving and kind and I grew up in a nice house, had nice holidays, went to nice schools, was loved unconditionally. My parents are not alcoholics or abusive, they are nice, normal people. But I was also sexually abused and raped (not by family members) and that really really sucks. I have failed at two careers, I have two degrees and a post grad qualification, for what? For nothing. I desparately want a baby but can't stay well enough to have one. All around me I see people suceeding and excelling and I am here, in hospital, again.
And they all blame it on my past, which I admit is traumatic but some of it is about recent stuff, failing at everything. Being a terrible wife, a terrible friend, a terrible daughter. My own husband found me nearly dead last Saturday how could I do that to him, if I love him, how could I hurt him so much. And he is fantastic but I do feel he (and the world) would be better without me.
I am mean and nasty. I always think nasty things.
My body is utterly trashed. I have scars from head to toe from 10+ years of self harm that is getting worse and worse.
And there is no solution. I am supposed to work with my community team and go from there but it isn't working, I get stable for a bit and then relapse. I am not very good at taking meds (currently off my anti-psychotics) and everything is such a huge mess. But equally I don't want to go to a personality disorder unit and so the community team is the best option and tbh I don't think a pd unit would help all that much (and it is not really on the cards - phew).
I have tried to kill myself twice today and I have failed even at that.
I am sorry to be so negative but I had to get it out.