Anyone around for a hand hold, waiting to be assessed under MHA

[creamhearts]

Title says it all, waiting to see if I will be sectioned.

Tried to kill myself this morning and DH had to 'save' me.

Cut twice this week needing stitches.

Everything is a huge mess.

Hate self.

I don't know what I want to talk about.

My nails are now foil free so typing should be better.

I have had a tough time really, SA as a child, raped as a teenager, badly bullied at work, 2 x miscarriages, just can't cope anymore. I am such a ucking stupid failure at life. Everyone would be better without me.

My tummy hurts from where I SIed and I want to repeat what i did this morning.

I appreciate all of your kind replies. xx

It does for a while. It looks like you are thought of by lots of people. That's very special and good to know.

Have your foils come off?

You aren't a failure cream. Have you got any meds or anything from crisis to help calm you down at all? xx

Had some clonazepam. Smoked a lot bit.

Feel sick inside.

Hopefully they won't section me.

Hi Lemon

I second what love said. You aren't a failure, your illness just makes it seem that way.

Oh cream, that sounds like a really tough time. I think you're very brave to have gotten this far at all. Trying to put myself in your shoes, I'm not sure I would have had your strength.

Why do you feel you are a failure at life? Not to contradict you when you know yourself better than I do, but I'd say that having come through all of those troubles, you are a resounding success at life.

Do you feel like you want to die permanently? Or would you rather wipe the slate clean and have a fresh start?

Hi Mrs

Cream, what happens if they section you?

Cream, you have done so well to get so far. If you need to be safe for a while then it might be best to go away + hide for a bit, just lay low and keep yourself safe. Don't see it as a section, just as time to keep yourself well.

You are ill and need good treatment is all, cream.

I want to die permenantly, I don't want to be here. I see no future for myself.

If they section me I have to go into hospital against my will. :(

At the moment it is that way. But from what another poster said you've helped others and had some positive times. There still can be but you've got to get some help. If your leg was broken and they said come to hospital and have a plaster and rest it then that would be sensible. You need rest and to get things in order again. If they can do that then you have a future that you just can't see yet. x

Thank you :)

I just know that this is my true self, that I am a bad horrible person who deserves to die.

Oh I'm a joy.

Will your DH be able to visit you? Do they give you a time frame for how long your stay might be?

A while back I wanted to die permanently. I'm not saying that our situations are the same, but I'm so glad I didn't make that decision then, as I wouldn't be where I am now. All of us get to die permanently eventually. There will come a time where you will get to rest, and you won't have to feel any more. I suppose living is often a balance of the benefits struggling to outweigh the pain you feel all the time.

Cream, you aren't. You are ill. That's the thing isn't it? Our illness makes us believe things we wouldn't otherwise. Please just hold on until they can assess you.

I've been doing lots of apllication writing today, cream, trying to get some funding for my Masters. I was so ill a few months ago that I couldn't get out of bed. I too thought I needed to die. I nearly did. Cream, you can do this. Tiny step by tiny step if you have to. I take baby steps every day. Having the right meds helps. They can help you. There is hope.

I don't think you're a bad person, cream. I think you're a nice person, and that you matter. What have you done that is horrible? We are often our own harshest critics. Sometimes you have to remember to be kind to yourself, and cut yourself some slack. You probably would for others.

I don't very often post on here but just wanted to say that my mum went through a long history of depression/suicide attempts.

I don't suppose anyone can change how you feel right at this moment, it takes time.

Perhaps you need to allow someone to help heal you. If you were a bad, horrible person who deserved to die then you wouldn't be thinking that about yourself. You wouldn't care, or you would think everything was everyone else's fault.

A little ray of sunshine but I'm a snotty mess in my pjs. Good job it's virtual eh!!

You aren't a bad person but that's how you feel and I know that it doesn't matter what is said. That inner voice is awfully loud. When my depression is bad I'm convinced I'm horrible and weak and not worthy of love. When I'm ok I can rationalise it.

We've been here two hours cream. I'm so pleased you've stayed.

I am back taking the meds.

I am so tired.

Thanks for talking to me.

I just feel like all the bad stuff is my fault, because I am bad. My head is full of noise and voices and I can't think straight.

Please don't think I am faking this :( I am not a troll.

Cream I wouldn't think that for a second so don't worry.

A busy head like that is exhausting.
Could you sleep? Wrap up tight in a soft blanket and doze?

I'll stay as long as you want. I'm just cooking veg pie.

Too wired to sleep.

Thank you for talking to me.

Cola and cigarettes and noisy head would make it hard I imagine.

It's my pleasure. Do you like books or music? What do you enjoy when you're well?

Cream I've seen you on these boards for a long time. No one thinks you are faking it at all. I do think you are incredibly strong to go through all that you are and be staying around.

Any word on the assesment yet?

Here all night Cream! Have nothing to do tomorrow (other than put my expenses onto a spreadsheet, yuk) so can stay as long as it helps xx

I am impressed at spreadsheet.

I normally like reading (silly chick lit books though), eating, make up, nails, hair. I sound shallow don't I?

Still no word on assessment.