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Original poster

am i an abuser too?

84 replies

amimymother · 06/10/2006 11:53

i have changed my name, sorry I am chicken.

i have an 11 week old baby who wont stop crying from colic. most of the time i am handling it really well but on 2 occassions, one of them being today, i have become abusive to my baby, mainly in saying things i dont mean in an angry tone of voice but also i have tapped her cheek with my fingers to try to snap her out of it. today i threw a jacket on the sofa that she was lying on and the toggle hit her in the face. that was an accident but it happened because i lost my temper.

my mother was extremely abusive to me and i love my DD so much i am devastated thinking i am abusive to her too. please help me stop this temper problem and tell me how i can move on from this. i really want help. i have no support really at home as DH is away working a lot and I have no family.

OP posts:
iamher · 15/10/2006 19:43

oh god thank you. i feel so evil feeling this way i just cant believe it i swear i love my baby

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:44

yes -- it will get better

the psych. will be able to give you a through assessment and prescribe something to start helping

you will need intensive therapy to get over what happened in your childhood

the good thing is you are not an abuser - you are scared and terrified of being one....you are doing everything to ensure you are not the same as your mother.

your baby will do more than cry, i promise...some babies are more unsettled than others...you need to be in a place where if the baby is crying a lot, you can cope..

Glassofslime · 15/10/2006 19:44

An incessantly crying baby will stretch anyones patience, please don't beat yourself up,you have said that you don't want to hurt her. It sounds to me like what you want is for her to stop crying and I don't know much about colic, but it does stop eventually. Have you tried cranial osteopathy?

Talk to someone as the others have said, maybe ad's will help, but please don't think that you are a monster.

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:45

i had similar feelings of guilt and horror at myself, and felt like the baby deserved a different, better mother.....it will pass... i know you can;t see it now, but it will..you have taken the first step

and night time is worse...you are tired and weary...you should try and rest...

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:46

what if she is naturally a miserable person? what if she hates me? i need help I need ADs I know it... i feel such hatred towards her sometimes. tonight i said she was like my mother. what a venomous thing to say to a baby how could i?

welshmum · 15/10/2006 19:47

Iamher I was with my best mate when she was taken over by psychosis and you sound too lucid to have that however please track down a GP and get a referral to a duty psychiatrist they will come out to you tonight - my friend went down on a Sunday night and they got someone out to her straightaway. Noone took her baby away from her - and she had a history of mental illness too. Please, please get some help - it all starts to get better once you start some treatment and have some support from the medical profession. Keep posting

Greensleeves · 15/10/2006 19:48

You're not evil, honestly. Having a screaming baby is one of the most stressful experiences anyone can go though, and PND isn't a reflection of your peronality, it's an illness - anyone can get it. And you CAN recover, and yes, she will get through the colicky sceaming stage and settle down.

The fact that you are here asking for help tells me two things: 1) You DO love your daughter, because you desperately want to be able to enjoy her and take care of her

  1. You are a very courageous woman who has the guts to get up and get help, for your child's sake.

Nothing evil there. Just a new mum who desperately needs the right support.

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:49

because you are not thinking rationally

deep down, you think you don't deserve your baby, so you are punishing her and yourself for not being perfect...and comparing her to the worst you can think of sot hat you can justify how you are feeling

the bottom line is

you are ill
it is not your fault
you need and are getting help

i think you should call someone tonight or tomorrow morning at the latest...

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:51

thank you all of you. i cant say it enough. you have given me the strength to carry on with the evening when i felt I was on the last tether. i will speak to the HV tomorrow and also have the appointment with the psychiatrist this week. I will post back here and let you know how they go. i am going to go hold my baby i must try to get that bond back. thank you again.

gringa9000 · 15/10/2006 19:53

I know exactly, exactly how you feel!! I have been there too, as probably 99% of mothers have... and the remaining 1% are probably lying! It's so hard, and the worst thing is that people don't tell you you're ever going to feel like that, they just bang on about how great, spiritual, etc motherhood is (which it is too, don't get me wrong!!)... Sleep deprivation is one of the hardest things to bear - you just know if you had ONE good night's sleep or 5 minutes to yourself you'd probably be able to cope. I like the idea of going out for an march round the block. And if you don't object to it, Infacol works wonders - if you prefer something natural I hear gripe water is just as good, if not better. Hang in there - it does get easier.

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:53

good for you...you are going to be ok....and we are all here for you......let us know how you get on ...sleep well

Greensleeves · 15/10/2006 19:54

Do see someone tomorrow at the latest, iamher, because you'll have everything fresh in your mind, and you will feel much better when you have taken that first step.

For what it's worth I think you are very brave and unselfish. You'll be a lovely mum.

welshmum · 15/10/2006 19:55

I am thinking of you iamher.
When I was at a low ebbwith my dd I used to say to myself that I would 'pretend to be a good mother' ie act how I thought a good mother would act, trying to hide how utterly desperate I felt....it helped and made me feel that maybe she wouldn't guess how far away from being good I felt.
Talk, talk, talk about your feelings as much as you can - it makes you realise how common it is, how frequently it happens and that it passes.

gringa9000 · 15/10/2006 20:03

I just posted that without reading the whole thread... sorry if I rolled out the old cliches or sounded flippant. I suffered from serious PND and was on my own with my son and I know how horrible it can be. You've recognised the problem, and you're dealing with it. That in my book makes you a good mum. Try and get some rest.

Glassofslime · 15/10/2006 21:14

welshmum - I've done that too, I used to sometimes imagine I was on Big Brother and everything I did was on tv - it got me thought the bad moments/days.

BaggieBetty · 15/10/2006 21:27

i had hours of sitting in a rocking chair with a screaming ds for months. Please see a doctor. Antidepressants literally saved my life. It does get better. One day the crying will stop. It goes on for many mothers honestly. Get some sleep if you can. See the doctor. DS is now 3 and a joy. Hang in there xxxxx

angel01 · 16/10/2006 15:18

hi i had this same thing. my baby was ill and screamed non stop for days with small breaks in between, this went on for 8 weeks. i screamed at her and all sorts. i felt the same as you do it's just the frustration and tiredness that gets to you,

here's what i suggest when you feel like you'll lose your temper put baby in cot or moses basket and walk into the garden or street (don't lock yourself out)
TAKE A FEW MINS TO JUST BREATHE.
calm down and stop beating yourself up t's completely normal to feel like this honestly and it has nothing to do with your past it's just hard at the moment but it will get better.
xxxx .

iamher · 16/10/2006 19:13

hi again and thanks so much for all your help. this morning i was feeling pretty suicidal but I am hanging in there. I've been waiting for ages for my appointment with a psychiatrist to get some antidepressants and would you believe they cancelled my appointment and moved it to 2 weeks later. I nearly had a nervous breakdown when i got the phone message. they were closed when i got it so tomorrow I am going to call and tell them that is simply not good enough, I am seriously concerned for mine and my baby's safety.

I like the pretending to be a good mother thing, I may try that!! and gringa9000 dont worry you didnt sound flippant.

I'll let you know what happens about my appointment. wish me luck.

Greensleeves · 16/10/2006 19:21

You sound much stronger and more positive, which is great.. When you phone them tomorrow, make sure you show a bit of indignation and make them appreciate the urgency of the situation.

You are very bravely doing the right thing, for your baby's sake and your own. Hang in there!

lulumama · 16/10/2006 19:22

can only reiterate what greensleeves has said

delighted you are getting somewhere, hope to hear more positive news soon..

Pitchounette · 16/10/2006 19:48

Message withdrawn

bctmum · 16/10/2006 19:55

echo Pitchouette super post

would add to call the samaritans when you feel you need to break the thoughts you are having

GooseyLoosey · 16/10/2006 20:28

Hope you are alright. No expert either but please don't become consumed by guilt over what effect your actions may or may not be having on your child. You are being the best mother you can be and seeking help when you need it. You are not a bad mother and guilt will not help either you or your dd.

Moreover you are not your mother and are clearly too self aware and caring to become her. History does not have to repeat itself!

I too have been on the point of snapping and actually wanted to throw my ds on the floor but settled for screaming instead. Now a days I try and shut myself in a room furthest from anyone else and scream as loudly as I can - god knows what the neighbours think but I find it helps!

Nothing prepared me for the totally relentless work that babies can be and it does grind you down but, as others have said, it does get better.

iliketrees · 16/10/2006 21:33

coming into this very late but just wanted to add my bit - feel for you a lot - it is absolutely awful when a baby will not stop crying. I'm guessing you are not sl eeping much and that in itself completley messes with your head. My two have been big cryers and my DS would keep it up for hours - just wanted cuddles and to wail lots due to trapped wind. I wish someone had advised me to take time out when I had to and come back to the situation with renewed energy. I was always responsive to them both and never left them to cry but that is so draining- one time I lost it and threw DS on the bed I could not take anymore. Luckily someone was around to take him off me but I felt like the biggest failure ever. I personally think that what you did is pretty normal under the circumstances. People should not judge you until they have experienced it. you sound very thoughtful and concerned - seek help, and keep in mind that this too will pass..she will grow up quickly and it will get easier. Hang in there.

iliketrees · 16/10/2006 21:44

sorry - hadn't read the entire thread when I last posted - hope I didn't sound too casual .hope you get some help this week .Keep posting - others seem to be giving some good advice.