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Original poster

am i an abuser too?

84 replies

amimymother · 06/10/2006 11:53

i have changed my name, sorry I am chicken.

i have an 11 week old baby who wont stop crying from colic. most of the time i am handling it really well but on 2 occassions, one of them being today, i have become abusive to my baby, mainly in saying things i dont mean in an angry tone of voice but also i have tapped her cheek with my fingers to try to snap her out of it. today i threw a jacket on the sofa that she was lying on and the toggle hit her in the face. that was an accident but it happened because i lost my temper.

my mother was extremely abusive to me and i love my DD so much i am devastated thinking i am abusive to her too. please help me stop this temper problem and tell me how i can move on from this. i really want help. i have no support really at home as DH is away working a lot and I have no family.

OP posts:
notmymother · 06/10/2006 18:22

thanks for sharing all your personal stories to help me. I really appreciate it. UGH. Cant wait til this is all behind me and I have a happy baby. I worry she is going to be a miserable person but I have to believe it is just the colic that makes her behave like this. Now to sort myself out. That is a bigger job!

TillyRose · 06/10/2006 18:28

Look, NNM, I also threw my dd onto my bed when she was a baby. She screamed for weeks and I was at the end of my tether. I didn't have PND or an abusive mother. I was a normal mum who was bloody knackered.

It gave me a wake up call that I could seriously hurt her if I didn't control myself better. Babies are so demanding. Some of them never seem to stop. Your actions do not make you an abuser.

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:30

ok sorry I need more help. this is only getting worse. I wish I had never had her. I just can not love a thing that wont stop crying EVER. ok I love her sometimes but sometimes i hate her. is this what i worked for? spent years trying for and being sick for and sufferring for? please please please help me i want to hurt my baby and i know i need help.

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:32

please call your doc or NHS direct NOW

there are mental health crisis teams that can get help to you now -

please call a friend or neighbour now to come and sit with you if no-one with you....

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:33

what if i have pueruperal psychosis instead of pnd?

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:33

where are you...

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:33

my dh has the baby now as i was losing it so she is safe

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:33

then you can get help - and won't be judged -- please call someone now......i know someone who had purpural psychosis - she recoverd and had 2 more kids...please call someone

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:34

i am trying so hard but this incessant crying is killing me

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:34

good

you know you need help - if psychosis, you would be delusional and would not necessarily recognise this is wrong...

please get some help from the docs now...they can get someone to you very quickly..

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:35

i am so afraid to call for help. i was diagnosed as bipolar years ago and ever since have felt like I am being judged by every medical professional i dont want to make it worse

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:35

someone to do what?

Greensleeves · 15/10/2006 19:36

Hello again, it's fine to ask for help, don't worry

I am no expert on this, I didn't have very serious PND (which I think you have), but my advice would be to talk to a doctor, tonight - don't leave it - and be frak and honest about exactly how bad you feel. You could call NHS Direct and say that you need to speak to a doctor tonight, or call your local doctors' surgery and get the out-of-hours doctor's number.

I know it is terrifying and confusing feeling as though you might hurt your baby, your feelings are all over the place, you are exhausted and miserable. And for you, all of this is compounded by your fears about becoming like your mother. ALl I can say is that nothing in your posts suggests to me that you are a sadist or a cruel person - you sound desperate and afraid and in need of help. What is happening to you is not your fault, it is a real illness, and you need to get help now.

Kepp posting as well, there will be people with much more informed advice than mine.

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:37

no , please don't be afraid - bipolar is more common than people think

you need a referral ASAP to psychiatrist......only your doc can do that...if scared of being judged, see a private GP, they can refer you...the longer you leave this the worse it will be

the help is there... please get it...you need to be well to enjoy your baby...

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:37

thank you thank you

i am crying now. ijust want to love my baby. why is she so miserable? is it my fault?

WigWamBam · 15/10/2006 19:38

If you really think that you are a danger to your baby at the moment, go to A&E and ask to see the duty psychiatrist. If she's not in immediate danger then call the HV tomorrow and ask her to come and see you urgently. You need help and she would be a good first port of call - she will probably be able to come and see you pretty quickly once she realises how desperate you sound.

Then ring your GP and get an appointment to see him/her - you may have PND which can be treated.

Then ring Homestart and ask for some practical support.

There's also crysis who can offer support to anyone at their wits end with a crying baby.

Greensleeves · 15/10/2006 19:38

You're doing the right thing seeking help, and there is help available for what you are going through. Try not to be too afraid. xxx

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:38

the mental health crisis team will either talk to on the phone or see you in person at hospital or in your home.....they will calm you, reassure you and start getting a plan together to get you well

they won;t take your baby and they won't judge...please,,,i've been there...

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:38

the mental health crisis team will either talk to on the phone or see you in person at hospital or in your home.....they will calm you, reassure you and start getting a plan together to get you well

they won;t take your baby and they won't judge...please,,,i've been there...

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:38

i actually have an appointment to see a psyciatrist this week. so thats good. oh god how did it come to this? all i ever wanted is a baby and now all i want to do is die.

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:39

it's not your fault...you are ill and trying to get well

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:39

the baby is safe as she is with my dh. i dont know how to face him, he heard me ranting about how angry i was at her and isaid some horrible things.

lulumama · 15/10/2006 19:40

i know, i know...when you imagine the baby..its never screaming, inconsolable, projectile vomiting and not sleeping...always a calm little bundle.....its ok to feel like this,,,,you must deal with it though so that you can love your baby and love yourself..

iamher · 15/10/2006 19:42

thank you. will it get better? people keep saying it but it is only getting worse. will she ever do something other than cry all day?

Greensleeves · 15/10/2006 19:42

None of this is your fault. I know it seems hard to believe, but with the right help you will have that lovely future you pictured, enjoying your baby. You're just ill at the moment, sweetheart.