HTT are handing me over

[EnpoTree]

Woop! Just got a call asking if I wanted to be visited today (er, no, ta) and telling me that they're about to call CMHT to hand me over to them. Finally getting off this daily checking up soon I hope

You don't mind me blahing on about this?

Oh yes you have/had appt today, I think you said?

Yeah, I essentially, daftly, read through my old case notes that I requested several years ago, which are full of all the diagnoses people gave me but never told me about. Have scared myself silly about this upcoming appointment and remembered why it is that I fear MH involvement so much.

Please try not to be afraid. You have a say in your treatment and you can refuse anything you don't want.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. Reading over your notes seems to have dragged up some old bad feelings.

My psych visit was fine. Lithium levels low so upped the dose and that was it.

One of the worst diagnoses was from a psychotherapy place which wrote to my psychiatrist (the one who said I had treatment-resistant depression with rapid cycling on phenelzine) saying that I appeared not to know my diagnosis and to think that I just had depression. Well, no, I didn't know what they'd diagnosed me with. Because they, like nearly everyone else, never told me. The only person I've had who said in the notes pretty much what he said to my face was the most recent one, who told me he thought I had depression and the lamotrigine was to level me out a bit, which was pretty much what was in the notes, except there he called it rapid cycling. But I'm now really scared to go back into the system. Really very scared.

Glad your appointment went so well. Are you surprised your lithium levels were low? You said you'd been spending a lot of time in the loo so I thought that meant theythey were too high I guess I know nothing about lithium.

Given your past experiences I understand why you're so scared. It's completely understandable. I hope you get someone who gets that tomorrow. You might not come away with a diagnosis but you deserve to know what they're thinking of. Make sure you engage and ask plenty of questions.

I was a bit surprised about the lithium levels. Maybe I'm drinking too much water.

Can't help feeling like certain diagnoses are personal criticisms, especially when there are so many different ones which when I read up on then don't seem to fit.

Take your time on reaching for a diagnosis. It sometimes takes me months of observing someone before I'm willing to put a name on it.

I will try to ask lots of questions but its very hard to get people to be upfront with me. The only way I know I've been diagnosed with anything other than depression/anxiety is by having requested these notes, and also having glimpsed the computer screen at the GP's. Despite having asked for what the diagnosis was quite frequently.

You've been treated very unfairly and I'm really sorry about that.

I was hoping for a decision tomorrow. I can't do six months with services which is what a HTT person said to me last night it might take. So I keep feeling that if I can't do it for the length of time it will take to get a clear diagnosis, then it might be better to just ask to be discharged to GP and cope with it myself. I mean, I've been coping okay for years until just recently.

No need for you to be sorry but thankyou for the sympathy

I guess you're okay about having to increase the lithium?

I feel bad that you've been treated so shabbily by members of my profession who should know better. You might be lucky tomorrow you never know but you should try and prepare yourself for having to engage with the service for longer than a one off appointment. If you don't feel comfortable with the psych that you remember that you can request to be seen by someone else.

The lithium thing is fine. Just hope my hands don't get any shakier. I stabbed myself in the eye with a mascara wand yet again this morning.

I don't think I've ever used mascara and NOT stabbed myself in the eye

I was hoping to get a choice about engaging with services.

You can choose to be discharged as long as you're not deemed a danger to yourself or others.

I don't believe in shared guilt You bear no responsibility for the actions of other members of your profession - and you have nothing to go on but my side of the story anyway

Well yes, I guess I can discharge myself. I like to know it's an option even if I don't take it

Try to go into it with as much of an open mind as you can manage. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Is your appointment morning or afternoon!

But then that might prevent being offered an appointment by the ASD assessment team that I've been referred to through the same CMHT. Hmm. Stuck.

Afternoon. I was told to get there half an hour early for handover from HTT to new care coordinator.