HTT are handing me over

[EnpoTree]

Woop! Just got a call asking if I wanted to be visited today (er, no, ta) and telling me that they're about to call CMHT to hand me over to them. Finally getting off this daily checking up soon I hope

My most recent diagnosis and one which I am prepared to share on-thread was depression with possible rapid-cycling (WTF) but that was 7 years ago and I was stable on phenelzine and lamotrigine for several years, then came off and have been largely fine for several more years. I'm scared to be rediagnosed with one of the old scary diagnoses that I don't feel apply to me which would mean if I DO have them I lack insight and have an even worse prognosis, or to be diagnosed bipolar which wouldn't fit well with having diabetes. It honestly all seems a little hopeless and I'm very scared, and the only thing that doesn't feel like it would be really hard to deal with would be to be told I have anxiety/depression, and just need some more phenelzine.

shall we look at the differential for things you think it might be and see if any of those feel better? like a catalogue of disorders you can choose from :)

or (yeah easy to say) relax as far as you can and let the psychiatrist get the measure of you, mine did take his time (and I was in hospital for all of it) but was open about what he was considering (bipolar, emotionally unstable PD (impulsive type, not the one I wanted) and schizoaffective) and then spent about ten years re-explaining his reasons for settling on bipolar

maybe you can get out of the way your anxieties about the diagnostic process and potential outcomes and maybe he can reassure you or at least work as transparently as possible?

It all scared me too much to go into on thread, really. I'm still waiting for an appointment with the local autism services so that lot can work out if I'm autistic, too. Which I suppose might be confounding things.

The rapid-cycling thing, I think, was just because phenelzine worked SO WELL that sometimes it went a little bit too far and they gave me lamotrigine to steady it out a bit. But they didn't say anything to me about rapid-cycling at the time. I wish people would be more upfront.

*scares

So not real rapid cycling. Just because of the antidepressant.

It would probably better just to bypass all this as I'm so scared that pretty much every possible outcome seems hopeless.

did your mood cycle alter when you stopped taking that combination? you don't take anything at the moment do you?

my (cancerous mad person in blog I linked you to) friend rapid cycles and doesn't have any periods of what she considers normal mood, she feels up or down but within less damaging range on meds - pre diagnosis her mood would change every six weeks but much less often now, it started as cyclothymia and then life conspired to pull the mania trigger and she ended up in hospital. There are drugs that are considered better for rapid cycling.

am sad that once upon a time mental hospital seemed the worst thing that could happen to us (apart from being fat) and now it's just not :(

(not aimed at you, is just not one of those rubbish cancers but an angry one)

don't be scared the idea is to have a better more workable understanding of what's going on and give you more hope, not take any away x

I wasn't a "real" rapid cycler, so when I weaned off the meds becausebi felt staboe and had been on them for yonks, I just ended up at a slightly lower mood, but still stable. Have been fine to slightly low/anxious for several years. Then diabetes diagnosis came along, and although I was very upset, I dealt with it okay, changed my diet, lost weight. A few weeks/months ago everything started improving - started feeling so much better, joined a gym, met up with old friends for sex, made new friends, joined dating sites fo some reason, lost my social reticence, started running, everything was bloody wonderful. Dancing, singing, loads of energy, no need to bother sleeping for hours, brain working better/faster. I thought it was because i was getting healthier and controlling my blood sugar and losing weight. But now I have to wonder if actually this isn't an awakening of my natural healthy self but some kind of horrible pathology which needs medicating away.

Yes cancer is foul. My mum said after she had hers, in a way it was easier to deal with the mental stuff because, fuck it, none of this matters, could've been dead of cancer anyway.

Oh bugger. I read what i wrote and it sounds like standard cliched hypomanic episode.

it's not a horrible pathology though

it does have positive associations with creative achievement, certainly know lots of people with it (I built a whole network around myself, setting up MDF groups etc) who are doing what they want to do in life - some medicated some not (think we have almost all been on an MDF course though) have you seen the Secret Life documentary? is on youtube, some of my friends are in that (in fact you can see ME with my mad cancerous friend, she is the last one I think)

I get so much pleasure from life (pain too obviously) despite or maybe in part because of my moods. My general functioning is well below normal at the best of times, I need more help with more things than any average adult but whatevs

(I do have other friends, is not like am ONLY friends with mentalists but nobody should have to go through it alone which is the unfortunate slogan for a certain 'love and sex addicts anonymous' meeting, surely THAT is their actual problem?)

Thankyou for that post. What you describe doesn't seem so bad. It's just scary.

Ha good point. Perhaps "going through it alone, together" would work for them

I've got THREE minutes to wash dress and get to a place thirty minutes drive away

I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE

Eep. Good luck.

I did see that documentary I think; the Stephen Fry one?

I rang HTT (shamefacedly) a couple of hours ago, at the time when they usually ring me and offer me a home visit, to request to talk to someone even though I've been so keen to be discharged by them back to CMHT and they said they'd call me back, but they haven't yet.

Arghyfuckbollocks.

Are you feeling crappy?

I do totally understand that they are very busy BTW. I can cope okay but I'm just unsure about when/if they will call me back ATM.

Yes feeling crappy.

I'm waiting for my CPN to call me back. It might be a long wait........

Want to talk about it? I'm done for the day.

Woke up tearful and anxious and generally cruddy and haven't improved since.