HTT are handing me over

[EnpoTree]

Woop! Just got a call asking if I wanted to be visited today (er, no, ta) and telling me that they're about to call CMHT to hand me over to them. Finally getting off this daily checking up soon I hope

ALSO v annoying is knowing I have a sort of borderline personality organisation but that's never recognised acknowledged or addressed because it's not the actual disorder, even though I suspect it provides a better explanation for things that are often attributed to bipolar

I'm probably just a little unnerved because I haven't slept for a couple of days and have some leftover paranoia from all that tobacco.

Maybe Mitch.

Doesn't the stigma attached to that particular disorder bother you?

I know I don't have the disorder just the personality organisation (no fear of abandonment for one thing) but it's not stigmatising everywhere, in the States people want it, it's a badge of honour

No the stigma wouldn't bother me in the least. But easy to say when haven't been on receiving end of it?

Badge of honour. Okay then...

Oh hang on, is that because of Susannah Kaysen and Girl, Interrupted, maybe?

she never even mentions borderline in the book

I don't know, will ask whoever told me their patients want to be borderline why they want it

will have asked this multiple times before and forgotten

hope you sleep ok tonight and mp too

Oh no worries, I was just musing. I'm not sure if I've read the book. I know I've seen the film at some point though.

Wait, no, I think I have read it. I remember the Jolie character being described as stringy and yellow.

Yep both of you, sleep well

how is Wednesday so far? have come to sprinkle some toxic negativity all over the thread - could feel my calf aching all through the night and my back hurts (not a usual occurrence at all ) and am apooic, so that's some of my reasons to be grumpy. Reasons to cheer the fuck up include: achieved getting teen to 'school', have personal trainer this afternoon, am going to wear my striped gym pants that make look like an okapi :)

me

and catholic burning festival tonight

the fireworks are shockingly bad but there is always plenty of other amusement, such as ancient farmer wandering into the flames with a big can of petrol and getting stuck in the mud and so on

Chronic injuries are such an utter arse. I hope something can be done to help improve your calf. Is the back thing because you've been favouring/guarding the bad leg?

BTW Have you tried having a fag on the toilet? Always used to work for me.

Glad you've had such a productive morning. Always feels good for prospects of a good afternoon when the morning's gone well! This morning, I've finally managed to look through my mum's holiday photos (which to be fair are excellent) which I've been neglecting to do as firstly I thought the link sent to me was spam from snapfish, and secondly I couldn't see them on my phone and had to fire up the laptop.

I slept ages last night (8 hours!) and have woken up feeling cold, anxious, and tearful. Dunno WTF is going on here. But very scared of being diagnosed with something horrible again and not being told about it and having to spend the rest of my life dealing with being shit. Oh, and I told my mum and dad last night that I'm unwell again. I feel terrible both about telling them (because I hate for them to be upset and I know it upsets them) and also about not having told them (because it's lying by omission and I know they will feel sad that I felt I couldn't tell them). I didn't want to say anything as they were so happy, seemingly, and my mum has just been on this amazing holiday and didn't want to put a downer on that.

Bonfire sounds fun. Round here they do much more, um, professional affairs, but they're never actually in November 5th so I never go.

poor you, what a shame to wake up feeling so grotty after such a fantastic long sleep

completely understand the not wanting to let people know, there is never a very convenient place in any conversation to announce the recurrence of one's mental disorder - even when people say, after gushing about the fucking awesomeness of their own lives, 'so how are you?' am never sure they really want to hear 'I feel a tiny bit like killing myself but don't think I can be bothered so don't worry'

dunno about back, maybe am somatising (have been preoccupied with bone health thanks to gloomy things said by Some People) - am v interested in somatoform, conversion and factitious disorders but would probably not like to be diagnosed with any of them

am unhealthily curious about which diagnoses you think are horrible and which are nice and why - is it because some have a better prognosis than others, or that the treatments indicated for some are more palatable than others or is it a matter of what you feel the diagnosis will say about you as a person, like if it's something generally viewed as a more organic type of complaint then it's not your 'fault'? or some other thing I lack the imagination and sensitivity to come up with?

I think it's all of those things - you're actually pretty damned perceptive

and yes telling people is very hard and especially so when you know they really care about you, in my experience.

I hope your back thing is just some little temporary strain and not a sign of a Bone Health thing.

(feeling irrational of a marfanoid patient of Someone who has been diagnosed as a covert narcissist with ADHD and gets ritalin and is psychologically minded enough for therapy. WANT SOMETHING NEW AND INTERESTING WITH BETTER DRUGS)

No diagnoses are particularly nice, though. But there are some of rather have than others. The diagnoses scare me because it's bad if they're wrong, and even worse if they're right.

is weird what appeals

I was v upset about bipolar for a long time, not that any dr ever said YOU WILL BE ON LITHIUM FOR LIFE but even though initially they said would have to take it for a few years it was the end of the world. I wanted it to be something that could be manipulated through therapy, that I could gain some mastery over through self knowledge and hard work.

Weirdly, about a hundred sadder and wiser years later, I think that stuff applies to bipolar too - of the major mental illnesses it probably is one of the ones that is most amenable to external forces for good. But don't think I'd pass a polygraph if I said yes to the question 'do you deep down really accept the diagnosis and believe it applies to you?'

(Have PMd you Mitch)

Yes diagnosis is very uncomfortable and horrible to think about I think; it kind of necessarily means someone noticing and classifying parts of you according to some list of things you may/may not agree with.

I essentially agree with very few of the things I've been diagnosed with, but those I do agree with have treatments that I don't want to take.

they are just someone's opinion, their formulation of your difficulties, and people interpret and apply the same criteria quite differently from one another, and of course there are regional and chronological trends and other factors influencing and informing the diagnostic process - it's not a statement of fact about who you are and you reserve the right to take on board what you find helpful and reject what isn't, ultimately we all have to make our own sense out of our experiences

I want to find the thing about a fictional character presenting with same symptoms at different places (?) maybe just times throughout fairly recent history and what she is diagnosed with, but have feeling is someone's project and not a published thing or worse an idea I had myself and have forgotten about

Whichever it is, it sounds great. Maybe if it was an idea of yours you could write it and sell it for squillions to Hollywood.

Trouble is, I was hoping for a diagnosis tomorrow, but when I spoke to HTT last night, they said it was something which could/would take maybe 6 months. And I bet they won't tell me what it is even then.

I was hoping to be long out of services by then.