Bollockybollockybollocky HTT

[EnpoTree]

Basically I have to take bloody diazepam three times a day and be visited by HTT every day and even then the nurse reckons it's 50/50 if I'll need to go into hospital or not. This has gone too far. I'm absobloodylutely sodding fine and visited the drop-in as I was worried I was going to become not-fine and wanted to know how to stop DP worrying unnecessarily after having spoken to CMHT as I was referred from GP as I wanted to avoid becoming depressed and how to maintain my current good humour and general sparkling and effervescent nature. The lesson apparently being that being responsible and proactive with your mental health gets you accused of poor insight and told to take drugs on pain of hospital admission.

She's really fucking scared me. I will not go into hospital. So to avoid it I have to swallow pills that make me slow and stupid and sleepy even though I am totally happy with the way I am now and it's everyone else who doesn't like it. Maybe its everyone else who needs bloody medicating.

I hate this so much. I know its a bad idea to get involved in MH services. So why do I ever go back?

DP is here but has gone into the garden to give me some privacy. Also so I can play Like A Prayer as loud as I like

Psychiatrist not here

Maybe they saw sense changed their minds

I've been an inpatient and it was hell. I would rather kill myself thab do that again.

It would kll me anyway. I have a special diet and exercise requirements which I couldn't do on a ward

you might be pleasantly surprised, we had a proper tennis coach last time I was admitted (during the riots, 2011 I think) in a shiny new purpose built unit

but otherwise it was all T'ai Chi

The OTs at the hospital I was at were shite. Bingo and smoking fags in the courtyard were the best on offer.

Nobody here. Rang HTT t check if theyd changed their minds and I could go to the gym as I need to cause I didn't get to go in Saturday or yesterday and need to get rid ifnsone of this energy and she said ibneed tonstay here andbtheyre sending two people Not sure why

Anyway I'm not going t go to hospital so don't need to worry about that. U just need to get outbofnthe bloody house again. Not been out today.

don't they usually come in pairs anyway? probably have some scary places on their rounds. Ours always includes the crisis res/home treatment consultant too, but I loved her so was ok

hope they don't keep you waiting too long

Ah what a fuckng relief.

Yes two people this time - yesterday and the day before was both lone visitors. Obv. psychiatrist needs protecting more than nurse/OT

I thought at the time, I don't want her job, visiting un known people alone in their homes.

So anyway.

They're very very very very keen on aripiprazole but have managed to get away with just clonazepam and zopiclonr. They seem unconvinced when I try to tell them I'm not hypomanic. Maybe I'll tell them I AM and they'll say I'm not

I don't understand why all this cannot be dealt with via CMHT. It's not exactly urgent, I just want to avoid getting depressed and had worried for a few days that I was on a downswing, but dealt with that and now just need some preventative care and a diagnosis, not psychiatristspsychiatrists coming to my house and accusing me of being maniacal.

Glad you're still on the outside

Hooray! Thanks

what makes you think you're not hypomanic, do you think you don't meet the diagnostic threshold or is it that you'd prefer not to be for whatever reason (stigmatising? Gloomy prognosis? Possibility of unwanted meds being strongly suggested?).

Have you been hypomanic before?

Are you being monitored for bipolar?

All of above Mitch. Family manics tend to do worse than family members with unipolar/anxiety/OCD, I hate the medications for it and already have awful physical consequences of psych meds (anti-ps, mood stabilisers, etc.) to deal with, don't want a "severe and enduring" category of illness label - depression, however severe, is considered normal enough, manic depression neabs you're one of them there dangerous nutters (not my opinion but I've seen it from others) and also I'm not psychotic and I think what looks like abnormally high mood is just me revelling in not being depressed for ONCE in my sodding life! I just feel good for once and the bastards begrudge me that - and also, if I was as slightly low as I am slightly high, I wouldn't even get given prozac, I'd just be told to go for a walk or something. The degree is tiny. So what if it's one direction and not the other?

No Inf no bipolar here

Also is it really a surprise that I present as "anxious" when there's a psychiatrist in my living room

Working out in gym. Indulging in current 80s cheese obsession.

Bangles come up on playlist.

Manic Monday.

Even my phone hates me

Probably too late to have zopiclone now. Arse. Not tired. Maybe I should flush/bin one as the HTT people always seem to fiddle with my packets and know what's gone from them. Don't want to look noncompliant. Don't want to lie. Don't want to sleep.

Do I sound like a toddler or what?

Brains…

Braaaains…

I'm getting sligtly frustrated… I don't know how much longer this is going to go on and I don't understand what I have to do to get off this intervention level - I REALLY DO get that this kind of help is wonderful and helpful and more than most people are lucky enough to be able to expect but it's incredibly frustrating when I don't feel ill, I haven't done anything wrong, I'm not about to hurt anyone else or myself, and there must be hundreds of people who would benefit more than me from having people come into their home and tell them to take drugs

I have been nothing but polite and cooperative except for my ground rules that I won't take antipsychotics or mood stabilisers and until yesterday took all the benzos I was told to take despite the fact hey made me feel awful and I don't feel I need them anyway. If cooperation and broad compliance don't work then PLEASE, please, what is it that I have to do? I've got a Damocletian sword with ADMISSION engraved on the handle dangling from a string made of Valium, precariously hovering over me, and THIS is probably why I present as anxious. Wouldn't they, too?

Hi, sorry, I lost your thread!

I have just caught up on all of your posts.

I am sure that physical exercise is good for you - but honestly, running down the middle of an A road isn't :(

As someone else said, you have to trust your DP to have your back right now, you are on some incredible high which is dangerous and I suspect the drop down will be even worse.

I have NO idea what any of the meds do or which ones are best, but others on here do - please listen to them and all of your visitors. They want you stay at home, you want to stay at home.

Oh shit, where did I say about running down A-roads? I forgot I'd posted about that.