Bollockybollockybollocky HTT

[EnpoTree]

Basically I have to take bloody diazepam three times a day and be visited by HTT every day and even then the nurse reckons it's 50/50 if I'll need to go into hospital or not. This has gone too far. I'm absobloodylutely sodding fine and visited the drop-in as I was worried I was going to become not-fine and wanted to know how to stop DP worrying unnecessarily after having spoken to CMHT as I was referred from GP as I wanted to avoid becoming depressed and how to maintain my current good humour and general sparkling and effervescent nature. The lesson apparently being that being responsible and proactive with your mental health gets you accused of poor insight and told to take drugs on pain of hospital admission.

She's really fucking scared me. I will not go into hospital. So to avoid it I have to swallow pills that make me slow and stupid and sleepy even though I am totally happy with the way I am now and it's everyone else who doesn't like it. Maybe its everyone else who needs bloody medicating.

I hate this so much. I know its a bad idea to get involved in MH services. So why do I ever go back?

Oh dear Bastard, is my posting style that transparent?

Please don't out me to the three and a half people who haven't worked out who I am

The trouble with being "M", is that it often takes away your insight to see that you are "M".

With every up must come a down.

Your family are doing their best to help you, to stop you encountering that. That's what the brain sludge is for.

I know it sucks. But you must know that there is a good reason for this.

Maybe future-me will see that point of view Infinity. I hope so. Current-me feels coerced into doing something not in my best interests to spare the feelings of my family and prevent being forced into hospital. If future-me doesn't feel differently about it to present-me, futuree is going to have some horribly complicated emotional-relational complications to sort through.

My family don't know just yet. There are various compelling reasons for this.

I love all of you, you lovely MNMH posters. You're not taking the piss or treating me like in thick for not "getting it" but you're also a bit tough about the whole thing so I don't feel you're pandering to me

Fuck me I'm scared.

Are home treatment teams a new thing?

Don't be scared, all is well, try not to keep looking too far into the future, take it as it comes?

I have to look into the future to a certain extent tho as I have a contingency plan in the event of an inexorable slide towards the kind of depression I have had before and cannot contemplate ever enduring again, the kind during which I can't have two sequential thoughts let alone plan an exit strategy. TBH verbalising this to the GP was my first mistake as they interpret this as meaning that I am suicidal which is clearly not the case - if life can be like it is now i want to live forever in every body.

But I am currently just trying to get off HTT and back to CMHT so yea, shortterming.

Yes, not "yea" verily forsooth and so forth

I haven't experienced HTT, only CMHT.

The trouble is that any talk of "plans" or "contingency plans" will be interpreted negatively by lots of MH professionals.

I was thinking about asking to move into the village but suspect a loud boisterous poster who floods it with noisy alliterative messages would disrupt the gently loveliness and adversely affect the very characteristics that draw me in the first place and I couldn't be tht cruel and selfish.

The trouble is Rain that I have a lot of trouble with lying (essentially don't lie - got me in a lot of trouble as a kid at school) so when they ask if I have plans I have to say yes, even though that's not exactly what I think they mean.

Do you elaborate on what your plans are?

I think, unfortunately, that your concerns about whether this is in your best interests is probably linked to "M", and the paranoia often associated with it.

Is there anybody that you do trust, that you can talk too?

Please try and believe that this is in your best interests.

As for HTT, they can be very good. They aim to keep you out of hospital, providing the help you need in an environment that is comfortable for you.

I did elaborate on a previous iteration of the plan (which I detailed in a previous thread under this username) but I have heavily modified and adapted that plan due to the events I detailed later in that very thread and also developed a much more reliably fatal but also sadly quite painful backup plan should that fail, neither of whic have I disclosed to any mental health types.

Not that I intend to have to carry through any of these plans; they are merely contingencies.

Anyway I seemnto have drifted onto the Mumsnet Forbidden Topic and Shall cease discussion of The Naughty Thing forthwith.

I mean, FGS, I am not going to kill myself or hurt anyone. I am happy!

I do trust my DP but I also need to keep things from him to protect him.

I started talking about GABA to the OOH CPN and various other people wanging around at the place the other night and they all laughed as though I was making a joke about gabbling. It was like trying to discuss neuropsychopharmacology with a confused degu.

Because they were talking about how I should take diazepam and I said I preferred my GABA receptors how they are thankyou.

modification of GABA response is a fascinating subject.

You have a brilliant writing style :) It should be obvious 'who' you are, but I'm the 1/2 of the 3 1/2 that have No Fucking Idea at all

When they ask you 'If you have plans' do they mean 'Do you have A plan - ie Have you thought about how you'd do it' or do they mean 'Do you plans to do it?' Big difference, be careful you are answering the right question.

Do you sleep well when you take the Dia?

Every post I write is the second or third
Draft as my device throws away my posts by crashing my browser.

I am glad you don't recognise me Grin and that I am not notorious as recognisable as I feared. Bastard helped me a lot on a tht read a while back and so may recognise my convoluted verbosity