Autumn days in the village with lots of support for all kinds of MH problems - depression, anxiety, OCD, psychosis etc

[fluffydressinggown]

Shiny new thread. xx

Sorry, dcs.

I have a GP appointment tomorrow. I've been bingeing/purging and restricting food.

I don't know how to tell her.

(vic) Tell her exactly that. I know it's hard.

I've not done dbt (wasn't eligible due to the way I engaged with people!) but have had/have individual therapy which has made a huge difference. Not sure what's happened this time - I broke my leg in May and I think that dragged me down :(

Thanks Love I might write it down and give her a note. I did that for my first anxiety appointment!

Hi weegie - nice to see a fellow weegie

I have two dds although one has flown the nest.

Ah! My dd is so messy, and won't let me get rid of anything! Are yours the same? I hide things when she's at school.

Thanks fluffy how is ur evening going?

lem that must have been awful for both of u ((( hugs ))) sorry to also read ur having mortgage trouble. The links loveis has provided look very useful.

It's so hard to give up ur home I only know too well. 5 years ago when I had my breakdown we had only DH's wages to rely on and couldn't keep up the mortgage so had no choice but to sell up as I couldn't go back to work. We rented for a while then couldn't even afford that & my physical disability got worse so now we've ended up moving in my parents I feel completely to blame for all this and it's the major factor in my depression. I'm trying to see past it all though with the hope I'm being a good mum to DD. That's y the slightest thing sends into a meltdown.

Welcome weegie

victrix yes please do write it down and give to ur G.P. Hoping ur appt goes really well and is helpful to u

loveis we can distract u here if u like

Pulled. you aren't to blame. You were ill and you did so well to keep it together. You aren't a bad parent.

Thanks. I am feeling totally and utterly rubbish. You wouldn't even believe everything going through my mind when I posted on the other thread last night; I was thinking all sorts and got so hostile and angry. I think I'm having paranoid delusions, but I'm not sure.

Glad you have had some therapy weegie I hope you recover soon

There is a new patient here who is very distressed. I am finding it very difficult, they are trying to persuade her to take an anti-psychotic.

If I explain what I was thinking, can you all chip in and help me work out where the reality is please? It's been bothering me, I've done this lots before and I can't even see it. I will be general, not specific, as not to drag up anything upsetting. I live on my own, and there's no-one to reality check for me.

I'm not sure I'll be able to reality check after the

Sorry posted to soon...

Not sure I'll be able to reality check with confidence after the afternoon I've had and taking diazepam myself but I can certainly try to help

fluffy that is distressing. Are you able to plug earphones in and drown it out by listening to some music maybe.

Ooooh one more awful joke before I go to sleep:

What do you call a hillwalking nun?

A Roaming Catholic

Ha ha ha victrix love that joke. Good night x

I'm getting rather sleepy myself now I think the sleeping pills are kicking in. So bid u all a good night, stay safe all xxx

Or I might check with my CpN. This might out me, but in rl I'm a poet and writer and all sorts of writerly things. I've been distracting myself by writing about mh and being a Mum. Wrote about when I had depression at first and the sign was being sick in the mornings. That was in January, after my Grandfather died and I was doing my finals. Anyway, I write loads (and get published sometimes). I wanted to share my poem with you, if I can? It's about my dd; having her around and not telling anyone I had depression. I only told some-one at the end of May, a month after I started hearing voices, then two weeks later, had my (first) psychotic episode until the start of August. I've had psychotic stuff and depression ever since then. Anyway, I'm rambling because I feel weird; but here's what I wrote today. I hope it's OK to share with you all.

Keeping Mum

There is a
vapid expanse
beyond the morning
radio; a wire cutting
the dawn.

It reaches
into the tender spots on my
soles, then shivers
through my synapses.

The last time my skin
heaved in this way
6 years and 8 months ago.

Every time
I pull my hair away
from my lips
I think of it:
how I muffled
the sound.

I retched
silently into the sink;
and denied her body
settling into the curve
of mine.

Now, I keep the door ajar
and listen out for her
spoon clattering to the floor,
the button that won’t quite
make it.

My hands shake
as I fasten her coat,
the freshly polished
shoes-

I inhale; brace
myself against
the Spring air.

hillwalking nun. Brill.

Ha ha Victrix. The reality checking was that I thought people were having 'digs' at me and didn't like me for being a young single Mum, and were saying that I was faking my illness. Then I read loads in to lovely nana's posts that weren't there and said she was critcising me for the whole court thing, and trying to 'diagnose' me. I got so angry for no reason and started attacking her for nothing. Then some-one else came in and said 'no, this is how it is' then I distorted that (because I really believed it) and some-one else said no it's like this, and I further distorted that.

In my head, I thought that everyone on the board was telling me I was faking it, didn't deserve to be talking to you all and were saying I was faking it for attention (and I TRULY TRULY believed it at the time.) I was so confused because in my head I was thinking 'they have been really nice, why have they turned on me?'. In my head, when I read the posts I heard the actual words spoken in a horrible tone or shouting. When I was expressing all of those horrible and violent thoughts it was because I thought everyone hated me.

I started to think that the anti depressants were sugar pills and they weren't working, then that it was all an experiment on me and something in them caused the hallucinations. Then I thought that everyone on the thread was 'in' on it somehow, and were testing me. That's when I started to make serious 'plans' and research how best to carry them out (I really did that, because I wanted it to work properly and was convinced I was the cause of everyone's trouble and upset). I just posted as I was thinking (or not as the case may have been) because it was all in my head and I couldn't find a way to get it out. I wanted to just try and explain my thoughts, and I couldn't get hold of them. I thought I wasn't ill, and that everyone was saying I was lying. And it took me so long to go to the Doctor's. I don't even know why I wrote it, I'm so, so, so sorry keema- it took all my strength not to act on that plan I had today. You must have been really hurting, and I'm so, so so sorry I reminded you of it. I wasn't saying I was going to hurt myself because of stuff on the board, but because I had it in mind anyway (for a long time) and I was so confused and hurt, because I've turned here for support in my darkest time and you have all been so lovely.

I even went as far as reading through today and thinking that people were sending each other pms to talk in code and exclude me. I do this all of the time, then get unjustly angry and lash out. I've lost so many friends. So much of my soul. I was so, so confused. I do it in rl, too.

I thought there was a ghost in my bedroom this morning, and 'saw' one of my voices and now there's a lady I don't know standing behind me. I've just seen her and she's moving; I can feel her. I had to stop myself doing two really impulsive things today, too.

I'm so sorry I posted so much , and it was so upsetting. And sorry for the long post. I think I need some insight here. If I don't reply, I'm resting my frazzled brain!!

Love to all xx

Will you please, please stop making me part of your drama.

I just can't take it right now.

Hello all. Thanks for the mentions and kind words collar, nana etc x
I'm a bit concerned about this thread going like the last one with loveis. I appreciate you are very poorly but we all are.
Weegiemum, hi, I'm in your home town!
Best wishes all xx

Nethuns - I too share your concern... especially after the initial positive start on the thread :(
You have only just returned to the village, try not to let it put you off, as you are not in a good place and need a little village support.

Keema - You are obviously very upset ((hugs)) Hopefully your request will be respected.

Fluffy - How you doing today?

Nana - Yes I went to my GP yesterday, am back on my fuller dose of fluoxetine. There is just far too many different unsettling things going on in my life right now.
Hope I can turn the corner before this downward slide gets a hold of me further...

Here's hoping that we all have a good day today :)

Morning. Had an ok sleep. Hoping to come off constants soon xxx

Loveisashadow when I was ill I tended to perceive things differently than they were in discussion forums. I got really angry and posted quite a hard stuff, which I later regretted. Hopefully your new meds help you.

fluffy good to hear you are better today.

I am doing okish. Not depressed nor hypomanic, just on the level. I just feel connection with things.

I'm sorry, Keema. I will respect your wishes. I hope the links before my mind started playing tricks were useful to you.

I too, am concerned, Nethuns. I seem to be getting more and more unwell, then with moments of clarity. I am not only concerned for the thread, but obviously, for the way I am being at the moment. My cpn is coming later today. I think that I need to explain just how unwell I am and what's going on for me.I don't want it to get hold of me properly so that I can't see straight anymore. Thank you for pointing that out to me, it is useful because I am really struggling.
I think it might be time for me to discuss with my cpn if there is a higher level of support available to me, as its clear I'm not coping. I'm just worried for my dd and what will happen to her.

Collar, I have found flouxetine very useful in the past. I hope that it starts working for you soon.

Is it ok if I post back what my cpn says, please? I don't feel like it will be good and I am scared.