Support thread for those with depressed DPs or Spouses

[grace2010]

Just starting this one off as it sounds like a few of us are going through the same thing. Sharing through this with those going through similar would be such a boost and maybe we can offload on each other, offer support and maybe some learned wisdom too.

Would be wonderful if those with depression could chime in with any insights or suggestions of how we can help our SOs. I'd also love to hear from those who have been through it. Keeping hope alive for the return of the person you loved gets harder and harder and any positive stories are always music to the ears.

I won't write a long post here, but my DP got depressed around a year ago for the first time in his life, due to financial stress and nothing has been the same since. The person I loved might as well have been abducted by aliens.

I feel like I have lost him, he no longer thinks he loves me, I feel completely alone and miss him constantly. The emotions range from anger to devastation on a daily basis.

Frankly Fluke I don't have any of those things left. The emotional detachment is the worst. The things said...Whilst everyone is keen to say they don't know what I'm doing I felt manipulated. Your the one sucking it up, working, walking the dog, doing the housework, dealing with kids...While he lies in bed crying.

I did the sympathy/patience thing for about a year until I got counselling and support for myself. Now I make choices to make me happy.

Although this morning I found the medication in the bin so I'm watching and waiting for what will happen next....not had any drama for a while.

How did it go neg?

I hope things are ok gilded. It sounds like you have detached yourself a lot.

It's only been a little while since DH has opted out but he's been depressed for a long time. I really do want out, I think. But how can I do that to an ill person??

Flukeshot, sounds like you need to talk to someone too. If there is nothing there you surely cant stay, ill or not. Gilded- why do u stay?

Because believe it or not I actually do love him. And before all of this we had an amazing relationship. I want to help him but that isn't the same as enabling.

Its pretty hard to listen to someone you have known for 20years and have 3dc with say tgat the dont know if they love you any more, are allergic to you and want to kill themselves. When they lose stones in weight, shake uncontrollably and never sleep instead crying all the time....calling me from work crying! !

I ended up as a shell of a woman. I had extreme anxiety that caused shaking, chest pains you name it. I sometimes used to pass the house if I saw his car on the drive. I had no emotional reserves left. I ended up having 2 months off work. I learnt that I was entitled to feel angry. Sometimes I allow myself that on this thread. You are entitled to feel angry that is a healthy emotion to have here. Repression is the path to becoming ill yourself.

The counselling I had helped me to see that I wasn't in control of this or how he felt. I couldn't effect any change in him only me. I had to do things to make me happy. This is my life and I can't live it through what mood he's in. Eventually, with the help of counselling I was able to make it crystal clear to my dh that if he wasn't prepared to make changes for himself and take ownership of his own problems then we were finished.

Believe it or not that attitude has worked here. My DH has been great recently. ..I'm just frightened that he might stop his meds prematurely which would/could destroy all of his hard work.

Ultimately I won't allow myself to go back to how I was because my children need me and they deserve a happy childhood. ..not one suppressed by their father's depression.

Thanks for sharing. Can only imagine the journey you have been thru. You sound like a stronger more balanced person who has learned a lot about themselves as a result. Good for you. Like u i have been with Dh for 31 years and we have 4ds so i want to at least try and work thru it all. Cos even recently we have had some really happy times. Hope ur dh stays on his meds. He would be far worse off without you in his life!

Anneg I am most definitely stronger and I know that I'll be ok whatever happens.

I know that I sound harsh on here but I do use this place to vent some of my frustration

You've been together for a long time I'm sure you will be able to overcome this together. Just remember that you sometimes need to get help for yourself and remember your not in control of this.