Support thread for those with depressed DPs or Spouses

[grace2010]

Just starting this one off as it sounds like a few of us are going through the same thing. Sharing through this with those going through similar would be such a boost and maybe we can offload on each other, offer support and maybe some learned wisdom too.

Would be wonderful if those with depression could chime in with any insights or suggestions of how we can help our SOs. I'd also love to hear from those who have been through it. Keeping hope alive for the return of the person you loved gets harder and harder and any positive stories are always music to the ears.

I won't write a long post here, but my DP got depressed around a year ago for the first time in his life, due to financial stress and nothing has been the same since. The person I loved might as well have been abducted by aliens.

I feel like I have lost him, he no longer thinks he loves me, I feel completely alone and miss him constantly. The emotions range from anger to devastation on a daily basis.

Hi colouring, how's it going? Cheery how did you get on at the docs? Grace hope you are ok?

All is quiet here. I thought today that I might start up with the anxiety and ruminating thoughts but was able to quell them. All will be well whatever happens and I can trust me, sometimes its a little bit like wading through treacle though. Just got to keep the serenity prayer in mind.

Hi gilded, that's a good prayer to have in mind. Dh very this evening, think we might end up back on the meds, will have to pray they don't make him manic this time round

gilded you are doing well to stay balanced, keep it up.
colouring maybe there are alternative meds he could try in an attempt to avoid the manic behaviour? It will surely be worth asking?
gilded I offloaded big time at the drs!! She's a good listener. She's advised me to back off getting him up on a weekend - he needs to do it, I shouldn't take responsibility. Easier said than done I reckon but I will give it a go. She's also going to pass on my comments to his Dr. She also gave me some meds to hopefully relieve my stress. I told him about what she said about weekend lie ins, and that she said I deserved to be treated with more respect and consideration. He agreed. But I've not noticed him altering his behaviour as yet! There's a surprise..not!

Thanks for the welcome, we've had a better couple of days since I posted. In fact we've been seeing creeping improvents over the last couple of months, but I think I've used up my reserves of positivity so any bad day seems all the worse. DH is still on shit loads of meds and is unable to work at the moment, but on the good days I can see the DH I know and love.

The way I see it cheery is that you can only be responsible for you. I think that I would start getting up getting the kids ready and going out on a weekend, or do what I do and go out on your own at a set time on Saturday afternoon.

As for me I think I'm struggling at the moment to want to keep doing it. I love my dh but love myself a little bit more, does that sound wrong. I'm bored of second guessing how he feels and if his drugs are working. Trying to keep in mind that I can only affect me.

And he told me last night that he was going to come off them. Should I feel scared??

hello

can I join please?

I haven't read through the entire thread, but I will when I get time. I just wanted to mark my place.

My DP is "under a cloud" (his words) at the moment and I find it hard to know what to do or say. We have been here before, a few times, and I have always stared off being understanding and sympathetic, but inevitably become frustrated and resentful. I do not want to go there again, and so I will be reading for tips and advice. xx

Hi argh welcome. My sympathies it can be very tough. Is he doing anything to help himself like exercise or anything?

Evening everyone.

I am now seriously exhausted. It has been another extremely busy week. I had been going to have a couple of hours off tomorrow before the weekend, but ds came out of school with a bit of his tooth that fell off today ?!?!?! so will be at dentist (which unfortunately isn't local) instead, in between supermarket shop and repairing the trampoline net which has a massive rip, before kids come home from school with their friends! Dh looks shattered and is seriously struggling to function and get any work done. He is self employed and I'm having to work very hard not to panic now. I feel like I have only me to rely on now - and moving forward. He had promised us a comfortable income with his new business, and fool that I was, I believed him.

gilded how long has he been on them? Has he spoken with his GP recently?

Beyond exhausted. Ended up in a and e last night with dd poss broken leg. Was v triggering for me as 2 yrs ago depressed dh and dd had v bad leg fracture. .. very lazy day today I think.

Sorry to hear that colouring, hope your dd is ok and gets well soon x

Been having a few bad days myself. Struggling to want to keep doing this but knowing that I should. Trying to take a step at a time but my mind keeps racing ahead. Cried for the first time in ages today, and will not allow myself to go back there!

I just feel so unloved, can't remember when he last said he loved me or gave me a cuddle off his own back! I feel like there must be millions of men out there that could love me more than this. The sad thing is that I don't feel close enough to him that I can say any of this

Just been having a wobble is all.

Colouring and gilded. Poor both of you. The tooth followed by leg, hope your dd ok, colouring. Gilded, crying is allowed. If you possibly can, however, do it in a place that you will have to stop at some point. Eg the bath when the water gets cold. Then have a cup if tea and a piece if cake. A wise friend of mine points out that although the situation per se has not improved, you feel slightly better about it.

We must cherish ourselves. They can't . It would be nice if they could but they can't and we have to accept that, at the moment. So we need to take time off from them. B v hard if you have tinies, but not impossible otherwise. And get out for an hour or so, and use it for ourselves.

As otherwise I at any rate will become homicidal. And my DH does bring me cups of tea and hot water bottles.

I got several hours today, my slimming club, not brilliant but no DH nor dc, seeing a sick friend, ditto and now an hour on bed while DH and Ds watch football, and I have the dog resting its warm head on my feet. Affection and warmth in bed, sounds wonderful, is, but wish it were more than the dog... .and yes I disapprove of dogs on beds but he gives solace to DH and Ds so I have given in.

Ancient I have cried buckets over the past 18 months and I just can't do it anymore.

I did have a lot of therapy that helped loads but I have felt like I'm going backwards, back to only thinking about how he feels! I refuse to go back to that. Today is another day though and I'll try again.

No crying today!

Gilded, I'm a fine one to talk. Am on ADs and things not awful but, don't know what it was, flu, pmt, too much going on, had to go to bed today for a nap pre full on week and woke up full of depression. Huge black cloud as well as black dog on shoulder. Wept, made my self mashed banana and yoghourt as trying to cut down cake, .bd cup of tea and continued to cry. Can't face doing any of the things I was going to do, just little ones .

It's so so wearing, all of this. I don't have energy to cope with DH, can't face more depression in me.

How I hate mental imbalance.

Sad to see how popular this thread is. Does depression really wreak such havoc with relationships?

The worst feeling in the world is watching someone who used to love you just stop feeling it.

Hell on earth really.

Grace how are you? ?

Ancient you're doing the best that you can. Its hardly surprising that you feel wretched given what you (we) put up with. Had a better day today. Will try again tomorrow.

Hugs from me to you ancient x

I'm okay Gilded. Really sad to see your latest updates. I hope you are okay.

Yeah been ok today. Think I was just thinking too much. Never a good thing in this situation.

Channelling positive thoughts.

I am writing 15 years on from my DH severe beakdown. It is bloody hard, the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but we did get through. DH was a high powered professional in stressful job, with huge abuse related issues from childhood. After a particularly stressful period at work, and an incident related to the abuse surfaced, he became severely depressed, agrophobic, withdrawn, culminating in taking an overdose. I knew he was going to do it, despite him promising not to, it was more a matter of "when" not "if". At the time the DCs were 10, 8, 6, I worked p/t. Our whole family was turned upside down. Everyday was a challenge, trying to keep the house calm and peaceful, not easy with young DCs. I took all decisions, managed all the houshold stuff, as well as working. Whenever he went out, I was petrified he wouldn't come back, even if he was in the bathroom for a long time, I imagined the worst, I was a bundle of nerves about keeping him safe. Fast forward 15 years. DH never went back to a full time job, went part time in a much less stressful position, I went full time. Oddly, the DCs don't remember a lot of it, they remember the night time ambulance to the hospital as they went to a friend, but not a lot else, . DCs now grown up and left home, did well and now a Dr/dentist/engineer. Despite us getting through, DH is not the same person, will always need meds, is not the same friendly outgoing person that he was, can still be moody and withdrawn, but I have adapted. I remain very anxious if he is ever late, if he does anything out of his normal routine I get very twitched, and I am a bit of a doormat in that I will do anything to keep the peace. So to all of you, it is hard, I guess it will always be hard, that anxiety will never go, AND although I hate to say this, the anger never quite goes, what he did to the family, to me, and how our lives changed

Really appreciate that post andyyourastar.

DP left a couple of weeks ago after a bout of depression where he felt no love for anything or anyone and could not cope with the demands of family life.

Since going, he's had a complete breakdown. Not gone to work, constant sobbing, doesn't go out, won;t talk to people, won't eat, panic attacks...you name it.

I can't reach him. I can't get through to him. So scared he's going to hurt himself all the time but also angry at him for being so abusive / leaving me. It's hard to have any clue what to do when every attempt to help is met with anger.

One thing I really wish was that better support was in place for MH problems and families.

I am in a place right now where DP acts like he is virtually "normal" in front of everyone but me. I try and get people to see he is not okay but he can put on a smile when he needs to.

He's been absolutely horrible to me, totally irrational, impossible to reason with, completely selfish, no empathy, no emotions....and instead of friends and family gathering in to help they keep their distance because they presume we have "marital issues", which we bloody don't.

I TRY and tell DP that depression / medication can make you feel like you don;t love people anymore but he's beyond reasoning. He is unhappy, therefore he cannot be happy with me anymore.

No one around gets what happens behind closed doors.

andy thank you for posting. Im sad to hear you've had such a difficult time of it. I can well believe you still have sone anger. Im not sure I will entirely loose mine. Take care.

grace you are so right about the lack of support - it is shocking given the impact it has on families - another example of mental illness second class status. I complete believe you when you describe him being normal in public and awful with you would you let his gp know how bad he is now? Random thought.

Well dh has had a better day today. It's great but I'm not holding my breath. Back to gp tomorrow and I'm going too - he's going to end up with a prescription and I want to make sure its the right thing.

Hi gilded, ancient, argh and everyone else.

Hello everyone, hope you're hanging in there. I've had a slightly better week as gp prescribed dh sleeping tablets monday... he's still not well tho. Anyhow today is our wedding anniversary. . So we're making an effort and its been an ok day.

Thinking of you all

My DP has severe health anxiety. He gets palpitations/fluttering in the chest and dizziness symptoms and despite having had normal ECGs, blood tests, BPs etc he is convinced something is wrong to the point where he cant go to work, go out socially, go anywhere basically, except the GP surgery where he is ringing constantly for reassurance. We even went to a/e the other morning as he was so terrified of his symptoms and the hospital told him he was fine, no abnormal results there either!!
He is depressed and upset as he cant accept that he has health anxiety, is constantly terrifed of his symptoms (every little pain or twinge scares him). He has been referred for a 24 hour ecg but no appointment through yet, and also referred for counselling by the GP but the appointments are scarce so no appointments til november! I am feeling so low, working full time getting texts all day seeking reassurance and going home to him constantly symptom checking and talking about nothing but his symptoms. i feel so low and frustrated and dont know what to do!!

Been there, Rollercoaster , and come out the other end, eventually. For us, the health anxiety was the precursor for a bout of psychotic depression, thankfully now several years ago. I think it is very hard as a wife or partner to come to terms with mental illness and to accept that you have neither caused it nor can you fix it! Be kind to yourself. Hopefully referral to a councellor will make the situation clearer and lead to the right treatment. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but it is different from a physical illness in that that can't offer you a timescale to recovery and that is hard!