Support thread for those with depressed DPs or Spouses

[grace2010]

Just starting this one off as it sounds like a few of us are going through the same thing. Sharing through this with those going through similar would be such a boost and maybe we can offload on each other, offer support and maybe some learned wisdom too.

Would be wonderful if those with depression could chime in with any insights or suggestions of how we can help our SOs. I'd also love to hear from those who have been through it. Keeping hope alive for the return of the person you loved gets harder and harder and any positive stories are always music to the ears.

I won't write a long post here, but my DP got depressed around a year ago for the first time in his life, due to financial stress and nothing has been the same since. The person I loved might as well have been abducted by aliens.

I feel like I have lost him, he no longer thinks he loves me, I feel completely alone and miss him constantly. The emotions range from anger to devastation on a daily basis.

Hi colouring. All ok here thanks. My dh struggles in the morning but has started to ring me while I'm on the way to work. He seems much improved, he has persevered with the AD and has taken control over his recovery which is all I can ask.

I remain conscious that I need to look to me for happiness. Which is working to keep me ok. I'm allowing myself a year before I reassess things on the relationship front. I need some distance from the things that have been said.

gilded good to hear your dh is taken responsibility for his recovery and he's improving.

You're completely right re: your own happiness. I started an art course one day a week back in Sep2012 which was a real lifesaver (still enjoying it ) Sounds v sensible to put relationship decisions on the back burner for a while too.

Seriously bleurh now and having a drink...

me too cheers colouring x

Feeling today. Just want to go back to bed for the day but its not an option. I have to take dd to a secondary school open evening tonight and I need to be on the ball . Sh*t

What's up colouring, what's going on? Vent if you need to you're allowed to be angry.

I feel knackered and its only thurs in week 2 of term. I dont know if ive got the energy to do this again. We haven't had a "stable" period in our family life for about 4 years now (does it exist?) And I'm struggling to believe we ever will.

Colouring I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling...its f*ing hard isn't it.

Ultimately you have to be a bit selfish here and think of you. Youre having couples counselling and bound to feel worse before you feel better but how much of you are you prepared to sacrifice?

I've promised myself that if this happens again and the crying and anxiety returns then I'm finished. I love my dh very much but I love me as well. I also think that I took so much crap last time that I couldn't help but feel I was enabling it. I know that doesn't help you but think how you felt before could you go back there?

Chin up tits out...power to you for tonight x

thanks gilded I really, really don't want to break up this family (2 dcs) and dh is committed to the counselling... so I guess I'm really praying it works. GP was supportive today, and had heard very good things about the couples counselling for depression which we're on. Exhausted now. Seriously high powered school this evening - lots to think about.

I understand colouring. You're not giving up its just hard to get to where you want to be. Its just gonna get harder before it gets better. Remember a step at a time x

thanks yes one day at a time. Bag of Thorntons tonight... Hope you've had a peaceful evening.

Was thinking of you this morning. Hope you have a better day today. It is at least Friday so a couple of days grace on having to jump out of bed first thing.

Thanks gilded Demanding day, but off camping with dbro and his family for the weekend so that will be a good break from the norm.

Grace, cheery, sanfairy, ancient, holler, dirtypaws how are you doing? hope your weekend's are ok.

Feeling ill, DH nearly had two accidents in car yesterday and has found it hard to cope, Ds stressed.

Oh well, trying to think of little tasks to do in bed to cheer me up.

Hello all. Sorry for the absence. Difficult week after he left. He's rented his own place just like that. He was crying the entire time he packed and he's been in not the best state so impossible to argue with him and I actually helped him leave. All he does is cry and he looks so lost. All he will say is that he will be back if he gets better and we are "meant to be" but losing me is the risk he has to take because getting better is something he has to do alone.

Really very hard to understand or accept. His coldness and lack of compassion is uncomfortable and so strange.

Thanks Gilded for the pm and sorry did not reply. Was just feeling like being quiet.

I will stick with the thread as I have a journey left to take and am sure I can try and support those in the thick of it.

Not sure if he stopped loving me becaue he is depressed or if he just stopped loving me and the timing co-incided with his illness, but I can be certain his character (non-depressed) would not be so cold and unfeeling about it.

I have known him a long time and was friends with him during his divorce a few years before we met. Even though those two had a very long rough patch before they finally divorced, he was really good to her during the divorce. Really observant of the kids feelings, really amicable, really kind to her, really slow to move out, went through counselling...basically an upstanding citizen even during divorce. Was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. I remember thinking "at least if we split he'll be a gentleman!".

In this case, he pretty much just left with no consideration to me at all on any level and there was no rough patch. He literally got depressed and changed into a completely diferrent person almost overnight.

I'll soldier on! I'm sorry to hear so many of you are going through hard patches. It's such a journey :/

Hi I've not been on here but have been reading your posts with interest.

Grace sorry to hear the sad time you have been having and I hope things get better for you.

My story doesn't even compare to any of yours but my Bf of a year and a half has been suffering depression. 4 months ago out of no where he just hid himself away, he came out of it an we were good together for a while but now he has completely shut off from everyone and he last spoke to me about 2 months ago telling me how wonderful I was but he was still in a bad place and I haven't heard from him since, I've text and phoned but he doesn't reply - it's so hard, it's hard to distinguish if he just doesn't want to know or if it's the depression - I want to keep sending the occasional text but don't want to feel like I'm chasing him. I know deep down it's not about me as he has moved away from the area where he lives, isn't socialising with any of his long term friends, has withdrawn contact with his children - and like you Grace this was one of the things I really admired how close how was and what he did for his children. So do I still send the occasional text? What should I say without making a complete fool of myself or do I just move on and think I've had a lucky escape? I really do care about him but it does hurt when someone completely shuts off - I just want some contact from him and if life is too hard just to remain friends. Has anyone got any positive stories?

Hi can I join you? Don't really feel like saying too much today, it's not a good day. Feeling massive guilt trying to balance DH and DC's needs and failing on both counts.

of course you can join us. Sorry you are having a bad day

hi ladies. Good to hear from you dirtypaws. I don't think he will know the answer to that question so there is little likelihood of you getting an answer to this.

I know that I keep saying the same things but you have to look to you. I think that we're all in a grieving process, whether or not our partners have left or stayed. We are grieving the loss of what we had, what we thought we had and the future we thought we had.

I don't think that being depressed should be an excuse for treating a partner badly or stringing them along. Ultimately if your partner has left I think its unfair for them to make it sound as though one day things will go back to how they were.

Things will never be the same, all of our relationships have been changed forever. It can make it stronger but I think that takes a long time. I'm certainly no where near that.

Dirtypaws and Munchkin I have no advice sorry just that I think if your dps have left you should go no contact and allow them to feel the loss of you. They may well come back but I think that you have to assume that they wont and move forward for you.

None of us are failing we're just trying our best and tomorrow's another day.

Sorry meant grace not dirtypaws...think I'm going mad!

I know that I've just said things won't be the same. But are you ever truly relaxed ever again??

grace you are having such a hard time, glad you keep coming back to the thread, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you.
gilded you always offer kind words, I hope you too get some support.
whatsonyourplate sorry to hear you've had a bad day, it is too easy to pile our plates with guilt, when all we do is try to please everyone else. Be kind to yourself, you cannot unfortunately wave a wand.
I've had another terrible weekend, had a migraine all day yesterday (they are getting all too common nowadays) so it was catch up with jobs, taxi kids round and check in on my parents. DP stayed in bed til 2.30 despite saying on Friday he will start getting up at 11 on a weekend. He only got up today cos I got stroppy.
Then this evening I found out a relative who has been in remission, has got cancerous tumours in her brain...her DCS are only toddlers, she is only in her 30s. I've just cried and cried and cried. But daren't tell DP just yet.
I was so upset this evening I wanted to deliberately burn myself on the iron when I was ironing, just so I could get some tlc and some comfort. How rediculous is that??
Anyway it forced me to make the decision to see a Dr, I've looked to book an appointment online - which usually ends up being weeks away - and there was a slot for 8.15 tomorrow morning with my favourite Dr. So I've booked it. I'm not depressed, I guess I'm stressed and not coping very well anymore. Not sure what she can do for me but I will give it a go.
Blimey all I do is moan on here!!!
Good luck all for a better week

Good luck cheery...you Dr will have seen this before and should understand that you need some help.

I got some fantastic counselling and CBT on the NHS. My Dr was fantastic. ..I wasn't depressed but battle weary. ..I think if you get some help now yiu could avoid being very unwell.

I will think of you tomorrow x

gilded once again, thank you, you are very kind .

Guided thank you for your comments - yes you are right he will probably not be the same and I guess it's me who just wants everything back to how it was - it just like they have gone through a personality change and you just can't believe they were the same person x

Thinking of you all, hope your weeks are manageable.