Support thread for those with depressed DPs or Spouses

[grace2010]

Just starting this one off as it sounds like a few of us are going through the same thing. Sharing through this with those going through similar would be such a boost and maybe we can offload on each other, offer support and maybe some learned wisdom too.

Would be wonderful if those with depression could chime in with any insights or suggestions of how we can help our SOs. I'd also love to hear from those who have been through it. Keeping hope alive for the return of the person you loved gets harder and harder and any positive stories are always music to the ears.

I won't write a long post here, but my DP got depressed around a year ago for the first time in his life, due to financial stress and nothing has been the same since. The person I loved might as well have been abducted by aliens.

I feel like I have lost him, he no longer thinks he loves me, I feel completely alone and miss him constantly. The emotions range from anger to devastation on a daily basis.

Hi rollercoaster - sorry to hear about your dh - that sounds very tough for him - and for you. Do you ever get any "down"time? Have you spoken to your GP re: the situation - its important to try and take care of yourself amongst everything else - may be worth making them aware? It is frustrating - in my experience its a slower process than many physical illnesses. Ladylinda is right - he will get better and things will get easier for you, but it may take some time.

Can I recommend dh and you making use of the Samaritans service? You don't have to be suicidal to call them. They can be v helpful if you need to vent, are feeling low or stressed and can help talk you through things til you feel a little better/calmer. Take care

Ladylinda, so pleased to hear you've been out the other side for a good while now.

It is very hard. I just feel useless in that I dont know how to help, I dont know what to do/say when he is in a panic about his symptoms and I simply dont understand it having never been through it myself. To me it seems like such a simple thing to say "just try to go to work/out with friends etc, maybe it will help to distract you" or "you know the symptoms will pass and that it is just anxiety, just try not to think about it" but to him it is impossible to do these things as he is so convinced there is something wrong! My family and friends, like me dont understand it and can see how much it is upsetting me, so arent sympathetic and are of the impression that he needs to snap out of it, which means it is hard for me to talk to them about it. Like you said, it is very frustrating because a doctor cant say "here is the problem, take this medication and all will be fine in x amount of time." It is a long process and I feel so guilty as I cant help thinking in a selfish manner, feeling so angry and frustrated that our life together is being put on hold until things get better. Plus there is always the niggling feeling in the back of my mind that maybe he is right and there is something wrong with his heart (even tho I am almost sure that there isnt as numerous GPs plus an a/e doctor have said that they cant find anthing physically wrong).
Thank you for replying. It is nice to know that there can be light at the end of the tunnel and that things will eventually get better

Hi Colouring, thanks for replying To be honest, I dont feel like I do get any down time. I work full time in the week and often get texts through the day updating me on his symptoms, then when I get home it is pretty much all he talks about! Then at the weekends we just sit in all weekend and do nothing as he is not able to, and the symptoms tend to be pretty bad at weekends as he doesnt have the comfort blanket of the GP there to ring. I have been starting to think I maybe need to speak to the GP. I feel silly as really there is nothing wrong with me and it is him who is going through the anxiety and symptoms, but you are right I need to look after myself and if nothing else it would be nice to have someone impartial to speak to in RL (as I mentioned family and friends have their own opinions which although they are trying to help, sometimes arent helpful). That is interesting about the samaritans, i wouldnt have thought of them as like you say you tend to think they are for more extreme circumstances.

rollercoaster, found this - don't know if you've seen it... health anxiety info

looking after someone with anxiety disorder

signposting friends and family to info may at least help them understand and support you a bit more.

It is OK to be angry. It's a perfectly rational reaction to a difficult situation, so try not to feel guilty and if you can find ways of letting it out, do (I swear loudly and repeatedly when I have the chance!)

When my dh is having unhealthy thoughts I remind him that his brain is on the blink (his GPs words!) and so his thinking is not working properly so ignore it.... not easy though.

Thank you, I will have a read of that!

I like the idea of swearing loudly, will definitely give that a go (although not right now as at work and dont think it would be appreciated by manager whos office is next door!) haha.

I keep reading as much as I can to try and understand it all, and I will definitely take ur advice and signpost others to information. Mental Health is such a minefield and it is so hard for those who havent experienced MH problems (myself included) to understand why someone who has nothing visibly wrong with them, and was perfectly ok a few months ago, now can hardly leave the house.

It is nice to speak to people on MN who have been through similar themselves or with their DP. Its nice to realise you are not alone!!

Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remember how bad it all was compared to now - and it was bad., but now we have both retired, moved to the other end of the country and we are probably closer and happier than ever before. All you can do us hang on. D's CPN was brilliant- for me as well as for him, because I knew I could say exactly what I felt and not be judged!

Hi everyone.

How are you doing rollercoaster?

lady thanks for the happy ending.

grace, gilded, ancient hope you're all hanging in there.

Tough day today. It's become clear that although the sleeping tablets did help dh get some more sleep last week they're not now overcoming his anxiety - he's been up at 4 the last two mornings. .. There is no easy fix. Feeling rather low tonight and struggling to manage anxiety re the future - money is going to become a problem, and the thought of his depression recurring so often moving forward is seriously demoralising. I am gutted and angry that despite all the support (cbt x 2, career counselling, peer support, ADs) we're back here so quickly. I am angry with him even though I know it's an illness. He made all these confident statements about his well being, the prospects of his business, the families future, and I believed him. Stupid.

Hi ladies, just checking in. Sorry you've had a hard time colouring. All seems ok here at the moment. I'm struggling with anxiety at the mo with work and school places. I hardly sleep and feel pretty sick alot of the time but that's not dh's fault. He strangely seems good and very keen to come off the meds which makes me slightly nervous if I'm honest.

I've promised myself that if it goes back to how it was its finished.

Hi gilded good to hear from you. Anxiety is rubbish tho. Does anything help? I find some breathing exercise good - google square breathing - plus yoga, walking, cake... How long has your dh been on the meds? He should be on them for at least 6 months from when he starts to feel better, and then come off v slowly in order to minimise chance of a relapse.

Sorry if abrupt. Tough day here. Dh worse. GP and ADs tomorrow and then I need to find a fool proof get rich scheme!!!

No problem colouring. Its mad really as he seems like himself so I'm worried about what he'll be like when he's off them. If I'm honest I don't know how long he's been on them as I've tried not to get too involved. He has seemed better for about 6weeks or so I've tried to speak to him about coming off them but he doesn't wa
nt to be medicated anymore! !

I just think life's quite stressful at the mo with a mixture of everything.

Do you have an income of your own colouring? ?

Not really - I have occasional sales of paintings but I'm only just starting out so its nothing significant.

Doesn't sound mad - quite a reasonable anxiety. If its only 6 weeks being better he does really need to stay on them longer - would he hear that any better from a GP?

I know what you mean about life being stressful. I am still on ADs and am very glad to be - I think they're helping me cope with this situation. After dh was depressed for all of 2012 I had a breakdown. Determined that won't happen again...

I'm so glad to have found this thread. Makes me realise I'm not alone.
The hardest part for me is trying to explain DH's moods to a 4 year old who just wants his Daddy to play with him.
All the Christmas stuff in shops etc is driving me nuts.Last Christmas was so awful that I'm tempted to just pretend it's not happening this year.
Thank you all for sharing. I'll go back to lurking again.

Strength to you Colouring. Logan feel free to moan here...I think we're probably all feeling a sense of dread as Christmas approaches.

Does anyone suffer from a total lack of physical intimacy. I'm currently so sexually frustrated...we do still have moments but they're very few and far between. I miss that.

Thank you.

Does anyone know of any really useful leaflets/short books that are good at helping explain depression to other family members? The very few people who we have told are firmly in the 'snap out of it' camp.

Hi logan so sorry to hear you're in the same horrible boat. The Mind website I think has some good info about explaining it all to people who don't understand it. The Black Dog books also get recommended a fair bit. Good Luck.

gilded Yep little action here too. But partly cos I don't fancy him at all when he's depressed. ..

Really knackered tonight.

The thought I'm trying to avoid is that this is likely to be repeated again. .. Not what I had thought married life would be like. ..

Depression fallout is supposed to be good, there is also a depression fallout online forum. However it made me feel more depressed rather than give me hope for improvement.

As I said before I will not go back to how I was. Not entirely sure who I'm trying to convince.

Marking place.
Hi, my dp is also depressed and we split up briefly recently( temporarily ) as a result.
I'm now on fluoxetine for anxiety/ocd and am finding it hard to support him emotionally when I need support myself.
Haven't read the whole thread yet, am on my way out but will get back tonight.
Mn is proving to be an absolute saviour to me this year, it really helps that others can appreciate what you're going through ( when you think you're the only one)

Hello, here you are. Has anyone else had this problem? - DH is off the ADs now, and he is ok most of the time. Obviously, not all day every day, sometimes feels a bit down, like most people I guess.

The problem is, I swing from being mildly to severely anxious, worrying about whether he is going to become depressed again. There are not really any signs that he is going to be, but when he is even slightly negative or anything bad happens to him it sets me off into an anxious spiral in case it's starting again.

It's exhausting and spills over into everything else in life - I'm anxious about work, friends, family, travel, going anywhere, staying at home. When I'm alone, I want to be around people. When I'm around people, I want to be alone. Argh.

Hi all, reassured and scared reading some of your posts. My DH has finally admitted feeling depressed (and sometime suicidal) and been to GP. Didnt want to start meds but is now thinking he should. We have done a lot of soul searching in the past few weeks, and his conclusion seems to be that a lot of his anxiety comes from flippant comment made by my father. This came to a head when i tackled father, who reckons we are imagining everything, (he is an arse but DH things he hates him). Now feel everyone is miserable but DH doesnt want family to know how he feels. I want to support him fully but feel i am shunning my family who i was close to. Feel like piggy in the middle and cant stop crying. Do i want to isolate myself or do i need support too. DH never wants to see father again, but is this the depression talking.
Seem to be rambling.... Feeling overwhelmed by it all! Anyway he wants me to come to GP with him tomorrow so we'll see......

anneg I can relate to your DH putting it all down to a flippant remark. My DH kept blaming something his DB had mentioned which to me seemed to have no significance. I think its more to do with how they feel about themselves and the inference rather than the reality of what is actually said.

If your DH wants you to go with him then that sounds good. Ultimately though he is responsible for his own recovery, not you, don't fall into the carer role. You should be open to help him but don't take ownership of his problems. As for not seeing your family I would say he is within his right to not want to see them at the moment, however you are also entitled to see them as you wish.

If you feel as though you're not coping I would strongly recommend speaking to your own dr to get some help.

And feel free to vent here we all understand.

Thanks gildedcage. Its still fairly raw for me at the mo, but good to vent with others who understand! Yes, think i may make an appt with my gp. Have good relationship with gp as have suffered with arthritis for years. DH has been my carer during most of that time to varying degrees so maybe i feel its time to give back. Take ur point tho that he must sort out his own problems. Cheers.

anneg I'm not suggesting that you don't help you dh and I'm aware how hard my comments sound. But you can only help you can't do it for him and ultimately if he engages himself it is more likely to be successful rather than looking to you to make it better.

Definitely get some support for you otherwise you are likely to become quite unwell yourself.

I know it has to be a team effect, just hope we r strong enough. At least he is talking about it now, suspect its been going on a while.

Ok, so family gathering tonight, DH not going. Fine with that. He doesnt want anyone to know whats been going on with his MH issues. Fine with that. How do i reconcile that with the rest of my family thinking its just my DH being picky and making a fuss over nothing. And yes, as many have said, the dreaded Christmas is coming, with I have never spent without sharing the day with my parents. I sound pathetic, and reading this back, feel like I need to grow up! Oh the joys!!

Argh. It's good to find this thread and I recognise so much - but I really don't think I can cope.
DH has quit his job (so I am very concerned about money) and completely opted out of family life. I have sympathy but feel utterly betrayed (he is treating me like it's my fault) exhausted (as he's opted out i am left doing everything) angry (he has put us in a terrible position) and I've withdrawn from him too. It takes all my energy working and being there for the kids. I have nothing left for him. He's ignoring me anyway so I'm not going to beg.
I read posts from others and just think - how do you do it? How do you have so much patience and sympathy? I do sympathise with DH and I'm sorry he feels this way but I resent that the things that he has done have ruined our plans and life and I'm supposed to just suck it up. I know I sound awful.