Support thread for those with depressed DPs or Spouses

[grace2010]

Just starting this one off as it sounds like a few of us are going through the same thing. Sharing through this with those going through similar would be such a boost and maybe we can offload on each other, offer support and maybe some learned wisdom too.

Would be wonderful if those with depression could chime in with any insights or suggestions of how we can help our SOs. I'd also love to hear from those who have been through it. Keeping hope alive for the return of the person you loved gets harder and harder and any positive stories are always music to the ears.

I won't write a long post here, but my DP got depressed around a year ago for the first time in his life, due to financial stress and nothing has been the same since. The person I loved might as well have been abducted by aliens.

I feel like I have lost him, he no longer thinks he loves me, I feel completely alone and miss him constantly. The emotions range from anger to devastation on a daily basis.

Keep going Dirtypaws. The Yoga sounds like a good idea. I think that I just got lucky with my counsellor, I was soooo desperate by the point the counselling started that I was at the end of my teether.

Personally I don't think that I would be ready for couples counselling. I feel like I've got to fix myself first IFYKWIM. I've taken the pressure off making big decisions about the relationship...taking a day at a time.

GC yes defo one thing at a time, that's all I can cope with!

Everybody I have spoken to, as soon as I mention Borderline Personality Disorder tells me that I'm well rid and I need to stay away. Yes his behaviour towards me has been awful but they didn't see the grown man sobbing in my arms just wanting to be happy again. I love him so much.

Holler he has significant problems to deal with. I hope you don't think that I'm saying you're well rid...just that I think you need to think about you at the moment.

He has to deal with his health and thoughts his own way. He wants to be on his own to do this. I think that you should use this time to consider what it is that you want...put you to the front of your mind. Easier said than done I know.

paws yes yes yes to the single parent feeling and looking after abother child. Part of me getting ill was cos I stopped communicating with him, but not talking to others... I cant be bothered to share stuff anymore - its pointless. Last time dh got so ill he was unable to work for 3 months so am praying things dont get that bad again.

I fund yoga helps - when I force myself to do it

gilded dancing sounds great - I would be tempted to an adult street dance class if I could find one, tho 40 something street dancer would look..!

Had a fun pm with friends and kids but coming home to dh is sapping...

holler that sounds heartbreaking. Be kind to yourself.

Colouring think stepping out rather than street dancing!

Had a fun pm with friends and kids but coming home to dh is sapping...

That is so true for me - and no doubt you all, it is such a sinking feeling.

My weekend has been shit - well only partly so I guess. Had a great day out with my eldest yesterday at a Uni open day, left a note for DH to do a few jobs to get him moving, nothing taxing. Got home late to find he had done nothing, just got DD to do it all.
Today he didn't get up until 2 when I forced him up to wash the bedding. He is just mooning around, I'm so pissed off that I've said if we have one more weekend like this I am asking him to move out for a bit. We can't afford it but I need my sanity preserving, and I guess I really want to shock him into trying a bit harder.
I have little patience anymore as I'm so tired of doing everything - yes it is like having an extra child, but worse because I can't help the situation.
Sorry, I do nothing but moan :(

Hi cheery moan away. It is worse than having an extra child. My dd has started to read harry potter and im reminded thatshe based the denentors on her own experience of depression. I think living with someone with depression can feel similar- that sapping, draining of life and energy.

How long has your dh been on meds now? My dh is willing to get into a routine re getting up, but if he didn't I dont know what I'd do. I don't think its unreasonable to lay down an ultimatum like that.

Glad you had a good time with your eldest.

My weekend was ok, tho exhausting. Looked after a friends kids yesterday which while demanding was good - more positive energy in the house and plenty of distraction. Dh not good today so I took kids out in pm and he went back to bed. He's off to gp tomorrow and wants to talk to me about what to say

Hi ladies. Sorry to hear that you haven't had a good weekend cherry. It does totally sap the atmosphere in the house which is why I decided that I needed to do things to make me happy.

Feel free to moan away here...we all know what you mean. Personally I think that your ultimatum is justified and perhaps its what he needs to take action for himself.

Yes yes yes to sapping when he gets home. I try to avoid, not good really. Weekend was not particularly good. Same as always, he mopes off to his office and plays computer games and leaves me to the kids. He comes out now and again, telling me we need to be stricter with the kids. Grrrr! He gets particularly stressed with ds who can be very demanding - high needs. So it's down to me to get the kids away from him. I know he works really hard during the week, with long days so I don't ask him to do much housework but feck me it's annoying that he just opts out of family life.

I could go on. Sorry moan, moan, moan. I was very irritable yesterday, not sure if it's the situation or PMT. could be a bit of both

What would happen I wonder if we all decided to opt out out of life? Here we are all flapping away trying not to drown. I have a monster job, all the dropping off and picking up, all the kids stuff for school, the laundry, cleaning. You name it I do it. My dh is quite good around the house, when he notices it. I can't remember the last time he cooked. Its exhausting. Just have to suppress the chest pains...cannot go back to how I was.

It's shit.

DH is AS and has been off work with stress for over 2 years. He's now on the fourth or fifth type of medication. He is not coping, as he changes from one to another. nd he takes it out on the dog when the dog gets hyper on the evening before bed time. Ds and I find it really hard.

I think I am going to book DH into a Buddhist monastery and take Ds, dog and me away for a weekend. Can't afford it but can't afford not to.

Hello, joining in. Recently split from DP, but are trying to work things out, he has various anxiety related problems which caused him to think he didn't love me/I couldn't love him.

I'm supporting him but it's hard. They've put him on antidepressants but they make him worried because he feels weird. He keeps saying he will be able to come off then in a month or so (he's only been on them for two weeks).

I think a month is unrealistic ..think on the lines of 6 months.

Yeah that's what I told him. Or until he has started to make progress in CBT...

hello ancient sorry to hear about your dh and how long he's been off ill. A retreat for both of you sounds like an excellent idea.

future gilded is right. My dh had cbt and for him it was effective at getting him functioning again - hope it is for your dp.

Well dh and I had our "Couples counselling for depression" session this morning with Relate (but funded through our local iapt thing) We started it at the beginning of the summer hols but its been rather stop start, and over last 3 weeks dh has not been well. It was helpful. Counsellor encouraged me to be open about how I was feeling and what I thought had led up to this episode - something I would never have done with dh in the room for fear of making him feel worse. It doesn't seem to have though. I feel completely drained. Went to bed when I got back and slept for 2 hours. But in terms of our relationship it is probably a good thing. Now trying to wake up and get going - but struggling. Am out this evening - unusually so want to find a bit of get up and go!

take call everyone.

Enjoy your evening out Colouring.

I think that you're brave to go to couples counselling...I just keep working on me and seeing where that goes. I did ask dh to go a while ago but he was very resistant and now I think I'm a bit frightened to force the issue as I'm slightly scared what might get said...and can't be unsaid. ..iyswim? I'm taking a day at a time.

I think that it will probably be very hard to start with but from that hopefully you'll both get to where you want to be.

Hope you are all well? ?

gilded I keep wondering what would happen if we all opted out. In fact I have done so these last 2 days as I've hurt my back badly and I can't hoover, walk the dog, empty dishwasher etc. So the place is a bombsite and I can't be bothered!
He has been on his meds at double dose since the start of August.
I don't think I'm coping very well at the moment, I'm in tears (in secret) every day before I take deep breaths and get on. I have a lot on my plate and I worry about finances. I just want some fun!! I hear my DD on skype to her bf late at night and she's laughing her head off - there isn't enough laughter in the house any more.
Can't believe there are more and more on this thread, it is very sad.
and to you all.

hello all

dh is doing well with meditation and relaxation. this is a well trod path now for him but this time round he has started early on. the big upside is he tries to be 'in the moment' and i am getting lots of hugs. this is a massive thing for me - usually i am pushed away- so poor dh - as he gets sadder i get happier

I just wish DH would do CBT. But he won't. Or won't practice it. I found it v helpful. Not perfect but a useful tool to have.

Does MN run courses on how to cope?

Sanfairyanne, I love your name. I once read a children'story where the doll was called that. I loved it.

gilded yes, I was very apprehensive about starting. But we simply weren't getting anywhere on our own, and things were getting worse and worse between us, so something had to be done. It does give a safe environment to say stuff and we had a session each individually so you can really vent without worrying... It did feel very different to tell dh how I was feeling at the mo and also my perspective on what's led up to this, but I have felt very subdued ever since so this evening out was a bit of an effort. Hey ho.

cheery you sound like I was in 2012 when dh was severely depressed and anxious.... and I ended up getting ill. Is there anywhere you can get any support from/get a break from it? Haven you spoken to your GP? Can you afford any private counselling - that really helped me but I know its £££.

hi sanfairy good to hear your dh has started early on - that's what mine's done and I'm praying it makes the difference.

ancient do you have anyone you can be completely open with about how you're feeling. Is your dh undertaking any treatment? I think its even harder for the partner if they won't undertake treatment. I do think if they want your support and care, they need to make some effort with meds/therapy/exercise, but I know that's easier said than done.

Apparently partners of those with depression are (unsurprisingly) at higher risk of depression themselves... so a conversation with a GP is not unreasonable. Don't know about courses. Some charities that support (family) carers do provide support re: mental health illness but it completely depends where you are....

Night all.

Cheery as colouring said I'm worried about the effect that this is having on your health.

Have you spoken to your GP. Colouring and I seem to have alot in common. ..you're sounding very much like I did when I was signed off. I wasn't depressed but soooooo tired of carrying everything. Sometimes the weight of being everything to everyone gets too much.

Do something small just to please you today. Thinking of you.

Iwas you've had a hard time but you're doing everything that you can...which is all anyone can do. You have embraced your responsibility which is great. I wish you well with your recovery.

Iwas sorry to hear you've had such a hard time. Its good to hear you're having counselling - I found that v helpful but like you say it does take a while. It is hard to recover, its that classic one day at a time thing, but try and be kind to yourself along the way.

hi gilded, cheery how's things today?

I'm having a really bleurh day. Haven't felt right since counselling tho can't pinpoint quite why (suspect its the counselling you'll feel worse before you feel better thing bringing everything to the front of mind). Managed to do a few hours of painting, but have also watched quite a bit of tv. Hey ho. School run now....