Support thread for those with depressed DPs or Spouses

[grace2010]

Just starting this one off as it sounds like a few of us are going through the same thing. Sharing through this with those going through similar would be such a boost and maybe we can offload on each other, offer support and maybe some learned wisdom too.

Would be wonderful if those with depression could chime in with any insights or suggestions of how we can help our SOs. I'd also love to hear from those who have been through it. Keeping hope alive for the return of the person you loved gets harder and harder and any positive stories are always music to the ears.

I won't write a long post here, but my DP got depressed around a year ago for the first time in his life, due to financial stress and nothing has been the same since. The person I loved might as well have been abducted by aliens.

I feel like I have lost him, he no longer thinks he loves me, I feel completely alone and miss him constantly. The emotions range from anger to devastation on a daily basis.

Amazed how many of us there are. Hugs to all of you. It's a battle for the loved ones too and so lonely x

Thanks grace my dh not looking good today (seemed better Sun and Mon) so he's starting to think about seeing the GP. I think that's prob a good idea. I'm not desperate for him to start ADs unless he really needs to though - he got manic on them before.

At least he has recognised that he needs some help which is sometimes the hardest part. I know what you mean about the ADs but it should be a bit more of a known quantity this time in terms of what he will tolerate.

DP experiences mild manic too -but he seems to enjoy it. He laughs when he should be crying, he smirks when you're telling him you're feeling really low, he comes out with inappropriate chat. The ADs really do make him into a horrible person.

My challenge is managing my anxiety. His df attempted suicide and I am paranoid he will follow suit. So when he's late in like this eve, its tough.

Grace that sounds tough, and very much like my bil who's on citalopram

Well, he has left. He said he wants to be alone and he is not sure he loves me any more. I knew it was coming but till hard to believe in a funny way as before he was ill we were just so happy.

Hi grace and gilded Well done for starting this thread. :)
I read the posts so far, and again say that I'm shocked and saddened how many there are of us. Many of us in the same boat but you would never believe it in RL, everybody seems so happy. However I am aware that as a family we probably appear fine in RL because we are so good at hiding it all.
I also want to agree how hard it is to keep plodding on... I accept that I need to take one day at a time - but I don't want to! I want to plan fun things, do things spontaneously...and get upset that I am not happy and I wish I was.
But that is me being selfish.
Still waiting for meds to kick in in this household, waiting, waiting.
and and if it's not too early to you all.

Grace just saw your message. I'm so sorry. This might be the way it has to be for now for him to get well. We know in our heads that they're ill but it doesn't hurt any less. I know that you must be heart broken but try to concentrate on you for a while. Hugs to you x

Holding your hand, Grace.

Unmumsnetty (((hugs))) grace. Really tough. I second everything that gilded said too. Depression is such a horrible illness.

Cherry it doesn't sound selfish to me. Feeling upset and angry are valid reactions to such difficult times.

[Chocolate] for everyone

Grace, I'm so sorry. I have nothing to say that will make you feel better because I'm going through the same thing and I know there is nothing that I can say.

I'd just like to have one day where I don't cry.

Thanks all. I am okay. I knew it was imminent anyway and if he feels it's what he wants or needs and will make him happier or feel better then he might be better off exploring that. I'll still stay part of the thread and hopefully we can support each other through the ups and downs.

Grace you must stay part of the tread. You need it more than anyone at the mo. Keep posting if we can help xx

How are you today Grace?

I have a gnawing in my stomach. DH emailed me today saying he can't cope and was rambling. He's been wobbling a while. He's been diagnosed with bipolar but thinks he's been mis- diagnosed - another stress factor as he gets obssessed by injustices.

Problem is, I'm not in a great place myself. Been on sertraline for years on and off. Over the years I feel like I've been ground down by it and was scared to read the description of cold, detached, not offering emotional support because that's me!!! I am finding it really difficult to summon any sympathy and I feel so guilty about it. He really needs support but I just can't give it to him. I've tried recently to get myself better with some encouraging signs but getting an email like that today just makes me feel sick. All I can do is offer practical support so will take him to doctors. That has been stressing him out as NHS is worse than useless.

I can't even talk things over with him as I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm not too bad talking about neutral things so I focus on that. Shit, what do I do?

Hi Dirty, sorry to hear that you're struggling. I have no experience of bipolar so I don't really know what I could suggest support wise for your dh. What I would say is that it doesn't sound as though you're in a position to do anything other than to look to help you.

Do you think you want to leave?

Thanks for the link from the other thread. My DH seems low at the moment, though he is still functioning - working, exercising, getting to sleep and staying asleep. But he naps a lot and is very tired and very negative. He is on Duloxetine 30mg, down from a peak of 90mg. (Mcg? Not sure.)

There is a history of depression in his family and he has very low self esteem and a high paying professional job. No one would ever guess he is depressed. He says it is my fault, because I make him unhappy by being cold and critical. I don't believe it is my fault. I am doing nothing but being positive and cheerful and never disagreeing with him. It is exhausting.

Thanks gilded cage. Yes I feel like I want to leave. And it's awful. I know it would be the wrong decision and I'm not going to do it. But I just wAnt it all to stop. I'm sick of it. Just so fecking tired.

Dirty I can feel the weight of responsibility. You're just so tired aren't you. Ultimately I can only say what has helped me which is to not take responsibility for my husband's health...and to look at bringing myself happiness.

Do you get any practical help from anyone with the house, dcs etc. Have you had some talking therapy for you rather than just ads on their own? Have you spoken to someone in real life about what's going on and how you feel?

Can I suggest that you do something only for you, a small thing that gives you a small break. Frankly it's emotionally exhausting being responsible for everything.

Just remember that you're doing your best.

Also ask yourself if you stay because you still love him or because you'd feel guilty by 'abandoning' him when he needs you...because I feel that your mental health is seriously in the balance here and how long do you think that you can realistically keep this up. I'm not suggesting that you leave by the way just that you question your reasons for staying.

Hi Dirty, lots of sympathy from me. I can completely relate to your situation - my dh is struggling (only mild/moderate at the mo, but has history of severe). I am recently recovered from major depression, caused in part by coping with his.... I have been a lot more detached from him this year and clearly that is contributing to his mood. It's very difficult. I would say can you find one person you can be completely open with and let of steam it really helps.

George your dh sounds similar to mine re: family history and still functioning but v low. It is completely exhausting - I used to feel like a single parent...

Well dh has just told me his is going to GP on Monday. And that he's going to reduce his hours to part time for the next few weeks. Good that he can still think clearly to deal with the situation. But he runs his own company, and less hours is not sustainable for too long... I am really struggling to manage my anxiety and not be convinced we're slipping back into the nightmare situation we were in almost exactly two years ago when he was severely depressed for months.

Thinking of you grace

Colouring I agree with the detachment. That sounds so hard...but dealing with this for any length of time burns out your emotional reserves to a point where you end up ill yourself.

How are you Grace?

How's it going Dirty?

gilded yes that's exactly what it is. Have been feeling guilty for not being a supportive wife - but actually I think I am doing as much as I can...

How are you today?

Hi colouring I'm good. Like you I've done the making myself ill but after counselling and time off work I'm great.

As you say you have to detach and the way I've come to deal with it is to not take responsibility for my dhs thoughts or feelings. I have to look to myself for happiness and thats what I'm doing...started taking dancing lessons last week

I just don't want to go back to crying in the toilet pretending everything is fine.

Flipping heck...it's so ditto! And no wonder I feel the way I do! Yes I do still love him but on a different level now, like he's a child. I have often felt like a single parent mum of 3 not 2. And he, and I wonder why I've lost my libido.

We also don't have any family or friends of the kind that could help us out. That's a long story in itself.

I went to meditation on Monday and I fell it helps me greatly. Also, that teacher is starting a yoga class nearby so I will start going there.

I started talking therapy, which did help but I'm not a big talker and I struggled tbh. I was seeing a counsellor and doing CBT, which is much more my style - a bit of action instead of mooning around. But she's not the right fit for me so I'm going to look for someone else. It's all personally funded, NHS has never really helped in that respect. I do see light at the end of the tunnel but I'm struggling with the here and now. And I also wonder what damage has been done to our relationship. I think relate might be a good idea but right now, I'm just keeping my head above water.

There's other shit that's gone on, family stuff, that has been a nightmare.

I like your take GC 'burn out of emotional reserves'. That is exactly how I feel. I have often said I've got carer's fatigue. Good luck with your dancing, it sounds fun!

Colouring...your situation definitely sounds similar. My dh is also self employed but it's so manic he can't take any time off.