Baby 8 days ago, now can't stop crying

[MrsPixieMoo]

I had a DD (my second child) by ELCS 8 days ago. Was a tough pregnancy during which I was on treatment for recurrent miscarriages. I had two miscarriages in six months last year and was quite low but my mood was good during the pregnancy. Since Saturday I can't stop crying. My DH says these are just baby blues, that I'm fine, that the world doesn't stop just because I feel like this, none of which has helped. I love my DD, am breastfeeding and awake a lot with her but I am scared of feeling so low. Just want to reach out and get some support tonight. My DH has gone to an important work thing. Nothing stops for his work and it was important he went but I would have loved a hug or some comforting words before he went. I hate feeling so needy. I can't walk far yet and need him to drive me to places. Today he was meant to drive me to the GP but he went out and forgot and told me off for not reminding him. I had been reminding him since Monday and twice today. He is tired too but I feel so alone and let down and scared of feeling so dark at what should be a very happy time.

Are you due to see the MW today? Can you phone and find out approximately what time she's coming? You need to prioritise getting some sleep because exhaustion will make it all worse. Baby DD will be fine, she has everything she needs. Can you lie next to her and close your eyes for a bit?

Thank you for waiting with me and thank you Baking for reminding me about the constant feeding. I had forgotten.

My DH has leave next week too and the rest of this week. He's just not around much. This morning he had a dr appt at 8.30am and he's not back yet. I get really worried as it's 15 min away and I think he goes to have coffee in the mess and talks to his colleagues but I hate being alone. He's helpful in practical ways but at the moment I feel irrationally resentful for the way his life just carries on and I feel so stuck in the house.

I feel so lost today.

I used to panic about DD's breathing. Still do, sometimes (21mo). It's tough, this pregnancy and motherhood lark. When I felt anxious and panicked I reminded myself that the odds of DD being unwell were so low, that she was born healthy and was safe and warm, and listed in my head all the things I'd done to make it so. e.g. I got up when she did because I heard her cry and went to her, I fed her because she was hungry, and now she isn't, she sleeps in a cot I researched and found for her, she is playing with toys I chose for her..... I found all those thoughts really reassuring, and reaffirming. We do so much parenting in a vacuum, none there to tell you you're doing it so well (your DH should be doing this ). Learn to tell yourself x

I called DH because he hasn't come back. He says he is at the pharmacy. I don't understand why every outing to do something small takes him out of the house for hours. I feel angry with him. I think he should be here. I wish I wasn't so angry.

I'm anxious about the MW too. I have an appt to register DD's birth this afternoon and am scared I will miss the MW. I wish my DH was home.

Do you have a friend or family member who can come and sit with you, make you a cuppa and some lunch.

If you can't speak to your husband, do you have a friend who's husband works with your DH who can point out he needs to be with you not drinking coffee with his friends. Paternity leave is to bond with baby and take care of you.

Be kind to yourself. As long as they are alive you are doing a good job. You are clearly a good mum as you managed well with your first DC.

Just try and enjoy them, snugly cuddles and try not to worry. Surround yourself with pillows a blanket in case you get cold, a water bottle and crisps and chocolate bars. Get in front of the TV and enjoy cuddles and day time TV, or better still a good DVD.

Hugs x

Don't worry about registering baby, you have 6 weeks. Get your DH to arrange a time when he can go in the next 5 weeks. You have until the 16 September, worked out birth as 6 August. Lots and lots of time. Don't add extra work for yourself you have enough on my love.

Also just call the MW's office and check they are on time.

If you are married your DH can register DD without you being present. I think you need to prioritise seeing the MW so it is on their radar how you are feeling. Make sure you tell them about your DH's lack of support too, maybe someone needs to have a word with him and tell him in no uncertain terms to step up. As other posters have suggested he may feel at a loss how to help you, or not understand why you are not your normal capable self, but disappearing for hours is not the solution.

Just read your thread and it brought back so many memories for me. I can now admit I really struggled post natally after my second baby, mentally far more than physically. I too focused on what my DH was doing, and remember bursting into tears when he wore his contact lenses (he usually wears glasses) because it was sunny and he wanted to wear sunglasses, I had imagined he was off seeing another woman and was getting dolled up!

You know are not bring rational but can't stop yourself being like this at the moment. This is because you are a new post natal mum. You are also adjusting to having to deal with two children, yes it is tougher than dealing with one, but you are a strong woman and can and will cope with this over time. This is a period of adjustment for your whole family, and it sounds like the lack of stable contacts, health professionals and environment is contributing to your current state of mind as well.

It's really important to know this state of things will improve, try not to be too anxious about it, and and others have said, be as kind as possible to yourself while you think this way. Your will need to be monitored by someone (often health visitor or GP) to make sure these normal feelings do not persist or become more than a transient post natal depression, your midwife will hopefully offer to monitor you until your health care providers arrangements are more stable.

It sounds like your DH isn't quite appreciating what he needs to do to help you at the moment. I would suggest asking him to complete a list of specific tasks, if he's military they usually respond well to that! One of those should be taking sole care of your LO for a couple of hours after a feed so you can have a shower and a nap, with orders not to wake you until she is ready for her next feed. Lack of sleep makes everything seem worse than it is, so sleep for you has to be a priority at the moment and will contribute to your overall sense of well being. I sincerely hope you start to feel better soon, I really feel for you.

Talking to the midwife is more important than registering the baby today.

It sounds as if your DH is completely out of his depth rather than intentionally thoughtless. He is bringing meals and drinks because that's something he understands, but he doesn't understand how your hormones are surging and plummeting and affecting your mood.

Do tell the midwife everything. Show her this thread if you can't get the words out.

Don't worry about registering the baby's birth. If need be your DH can do it as you're married. Otherwise you can get another appointment and do it in the next few weeks.

Is your DH coming home now?

DH is home. He says it's more important to register birth. Called midwife. Spoke to useless receptionist who told me I just have to wait in. I feel really trapped indoors and isolated. Feeding again. Told DH I don't feel right. He said oh dear and has gone to open post in another room.

If he insists, he can go alone to register her. You need to speak to the MW and make " the system" aware of how much you are struggling. I want to slap your DH for wilful failure to hear what you are trying to tell him!

Your DH is not being very D!

Can you call his mum and ask her to have a word with him?

Tell him if he feels the registration is important to do now he can go but you have nearly 5 weeks to do it and you would prefer he was with you for support.

Perhaps ask him to make you some lunch and remind him what paternity leave is for.

Just look after yourself, then you will be able to look after your baby.

Maybe suggest he sort out a take away tonight so you can both sit and cuddle together. Reconnecting might remind him to take care of you.

I couldn't read this and not comment.

You're husband is being a prize prick - he is being outrageously uncaring and you have every right to be upset by his treatment of you. His comment that he is doing well as other men ignore their wives is ridiculous - if a football team play really badly and lose 2-0, the manager can't say "well we are doing really well because another team lost 4-0". One team is completely shit, the other team is slightly less shit; same applies to you husband.

It's very clear for your posts that you do need to speak to your GP. Whilst your low mood is not helped by your husband's attitude, it does sound that PND may be creeping up on you; suicidal feelings are a big warning sign. Please muster up the strength to INSIST that you husband takes you ASAP. If he is a man if integrity, he should do this without question. Do not listen to any more of the shit he is spouting about the world not stopping for you: the world doesn't need to stop, but he does need to stop being a prick.

Be strong OP, you will get through this; do not let him dictate how you should be feeling.

I've been trying to organise help. The MW office are not helpful. The receptionist told me to wait in. I'm waiting.

I called my GP where my permanent home is and told DH he would need to take me to an appt. The GP is full until 1st week Sept. The reception can only book so far ahead so I have to call back next week for an appt in September. I spent 40 mins on hold and couldn't believe it.

I then got a call from a HV asking to come on Monday. Was really pleased but it turned out she has my permanent address and that there was a mix up somehow and that she didn't know I had moved so is now not coming as I'm out of her area. She has promised to find me a local HV.

DH is cuddling a sleeping DD and I'm making lunch. I told him how bad I feel and that I need his help. I told him exactly how I feel and he said it is normal.

Will send him to register on his own and will wait for MW.

How can your DH possibly tell you what is "normal". Don't let him diagnose you!

I'm glad you're waiting in to see the MW - please tell her exactly how you feel - hopefully she will be able to start the ball rolling in terms of help (if your DH is there, please do not let hi speak over you - if he interrupts, let him speak, then go back to exactly where you were, taking absolutely no notice of what he has said. If MW is not helpful, call any GP surgery close to you and ask for an emergency visitor appointment; suicidal thoughts should not be ignored - please mention this to MW and GP so you get the help you need.

Your husband has NO IDEA what he is talking about, do not let him tell you otherwise - he is trying to bully you, OP. Keep talking here....

I told him I lie awake worrying something terrible will happen and he said all parents feel like that, it's normal. I told him I feel sad for the babies we lost and he said he does too, it's normal. I told him I feel deeply sad and that it feels more than baby blues and he said it's only ten days today, this is normal.

I feel like screaming. I really don't feel like me at all. I am sad, I am scared, I have been near constantly crying since Saturday, often for hours at a time. This can't be normal.

It is NOT normal. Do not let him tell you it is! I am so sorry for your losses and I can imagine how difficult it is when you have a new baby, imagining what your other babies may have been like.

Stop listening to him, and please tell your MW everything. And please, please remember that you can and will get better, but you will need to take the right steps to do this: the first being talking to you MW, and then to a GP. Ignore, ignore, ignore your husband - he is talking utter shite.

Please also remember that having a baby is really, really hard - be kind to yourself - we all struggled at some point. But when you feel so sad and desperate, the you need to reach out. Xx

There must be a spectrum of severity and duration from baby blues to postnatal depression. It doesn't matter at the moment which label you put on it, all that matters is that at this moment you are not coping and you need some additional support. The MW should be much better placed to advise you, but it's not normal IME to have anything more than a few irrational tears. DH saying it's normal won't make it go away.

If you explain how you are feeling to the doctors reception and that you need an urgent appointment they will fit you in to see the dr or at least to have a call back.

I found sobbing at my doctors receptionist to be quite effective at getting an emergency appointment.

Your DH can go and register the birth. Regardless of how you are feeling the midwife needs to check you over

Physically.

For all him saying it's normal have you told him how you felt last night? I could scrap him.

Can you call the PND helpline again. Their number is 0843 28 98 401.

Your husband is in the military, did you say? Is there no kind of community/pastoral help available from them? Sorry if this has been covered- not had time to read whole thread.