If you're going through hell, keep going

[Pare]

Hi, thought I might try another thread as I've missed having somewhere to offload. Thanks for all the support on the other one, I have saved it and removed certain posts so that I can look at it when I need something to focus on.

I went to the meeting with the manager of the Crisis Team tonight and it was really difficult even though he accepted that they had got things wrong. He said I have to keep attending or they will have me assessed under the Mental Health Act. I don't really trust them though and it is going to be really hard. He suggested meeting with the nurse who I saw on Monday, and with him, to try and talk it through and come to an understanding. I don't know if that will be too much.

What about your mum Pare and your cats? What about you're students? X

I have 4 siblings, they can care for my mum and look after the animals.

My students will get another teacher, which will be for the best.

But they would have to pick another teacher out of the awful bunch that you work with. I'm sure they'd rather have you

They'd employ someone new.

Honestly it is all fine, be happy for me that it is ending.

No, I will never be happy that you are so unhappy you feel you cannot go on living. Never.

I'm sorry you feel you can't be happy for me.

I think I'm going to stop posting now as I understand that this is an uncomfortable topic for people.

Take care and thank you everyone for all of your kindness.

I for one need to go to bed now. I hope you will go on posting, if not today than tomorrow. Good night.

Please keep posting Pare

It's okay, I was posting because I was in turmoil and pain, but I'm not anymore. I just feel a great sense of peace and contentment. I don't need to post anymore.

Take care.

Pare keep posting please

Pare, if what I say below puts you off posting, please ignore and keep posting, I will shut up if it helps. The thing we most want is you to keep communicating with someone. I'm sure I'm far from the only one who has been wondering daily how you are and hoping to hear from you.

I am so relieved to see you posting, but very worried by your state of mind. If you feel a sense of peace now, while you are still here - can you not postpone your decision at least? Given the finality of it could you consider that you have not that much to lose by waiting a little while to see if things change? I think you need to go back to your GP now, never mind what he said about when to go or test results, this is much more important. Tell him that you need further help, not just what has been offered. Please be brutally honest with him about how you feel.

Also you are under the influence of a drug right now which your brain is still getting used to, give yourself a chance with that, it can make people think in ways that aren't authentic to them.

You've made it this far, and it hasn't been easy, has it? But that is not a reason to give up now. It is a reason to make some sense of this. Don't end everything because the solution is hard and difficult to reach, when it could be there in your future. You are worth fighting for, you mustn't believe yourself when you think otherwise...that is the illness talking.

Your death would be a catastrophe for your family, but more importantly - what about you? They say depression is anger turned inward. You have been through trauma that you have not been able to properly process, have never had real help with. Your anger isn't really with yourself. Please don't give up over the NHS delays and problems. Please. Give yourself a chance, you deserve a chance to recover and have a life that you can be content with. Don't let the bad things that have happened take that from you.

You say the decision has been taken out of your hands...do you mean that something could have been done differently that would have allowed you to believe in a future...? Please hold out for that, please hold on. This is about everything.

Please do ring the Samaritans. If I've said something wrong or upsetting then ignore me because I am no expert and I didn't even know whether to post. We all think you are worth fighting for though, we believe in you.

I don't want you not to post because of getting hassled so I'll go now. Please do come back.

Pare, choose life.

One thing we can say was, your trauma was not your fault. So why should you punish yourself?

Choose to get help and to get better. Go and get the counselling and let them understand about the trauma and that will lead to more long term care. That can make a huge difference and turn your whole life around to make it happy and peaceful again. Like this your mind is doing all it can to defend itself from the trauma ever happening again. It is exhausting to be like that and very wearing on you. We are noz built to carry on like that long term. To get over it, you just have to talk about what happened and to make sure it is someone who won't do you more harm and scare you further by saying the wrong thing. Grab every chance you can for therapy. Do engage with them though, and try to loosten the hold that fear has over you.

Check to see what counselling is available from local charities. Most of them will allow you to set your own level of payment, with a bit of negotiation. They may well be able to offer you ongoing trauma therapy. You say you have been before and it didn't work, but perhaps it was the wrong kind of therapy for your circumstances, or for some reason you were not engaging with it, orit didn't carry on for long enough. It does sometimes take many attempts to get the right therapy and to stick with it for long enough for someone to practice new ways of thinking.

How are you doing today Pare?

I'm fine, really content and at peace.

Everything that has happened is my fault, so removing me removes some evil from the world. It really is the right thing to do.

I'm sorry if it upsets people on here, but honestly and truly everyone will be so much better off without me.

Not knowing the details of what 'terrible' thing you have done, I cannot comment. I have got to 'know' you as a caring, loving and conscientious person, whose death will leave a huge void. Keep hold of the contentment, but do not do anything that cannot be undone.

I put myself in a position where something horrible happened.

Then I pretended it hadn't.

Then I was too weak to cope with a bit of stress and ended up having to face what happened.

I bring everyone down, I'm miserable, irritable and annoying. Better off dead.

Even people who are paid to help people with MH issues don't think I deserve any help or support.

Bad people don't care about what they have done. They don't worry about it, they just continue enjoying living and grabbing what they can for themselves. If you were evil, your experience wouldn't have upset you. You're not, you really couldn't be, it wouldn't fit with your symptoms. We don't know what happened or whether you did what you think you did. Given that you are unwell, you are not able right now to see it clearly, and that is understandable. But you're just human, and you deserve to recover. Understanding and forgiveness are real, and however impossible it may seem now you could in the future understand your experience and forgive yourself.

I think the MH workers can be wrong, it can unfortunately take time for someone to be understood and get the right help. But also they don't think that you don't deserve support, they probably just have misunderstood what you need right now, and are having to deal with the problems of lack of resources and funds slowing things down. Unfortunately many people who deserve and need support are waiting, equally people who don't sometimes get support quicker - the system isn't about judging who deserves treatment in that way. They try to clinically prioritise, no moral judgement involved, but even then they can get it wrong initially, or be held back by protocols and resources.

I'd promised myself not to say anything much, as I don't want you to feel pressured. So I've just broken that, and I'll try to keep a lot quieter now, but thinking of you. I just want you to keep seeing this as a place to offload, and to communicate. Keep talking when you feel you can.

Pare you're still in my thoughts. Please remember this is your illness talking not you.

So you put yourself in a position where something horrible happened...but you weren't the one to do the horrible thing, whoever did that was responsible, not you. Sounds as if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Unless you were trespassing or breaking some other law (or code of practice at work) I don't see how you can be implicated let alone wholly responsible.

It is normal to pretend or deny trama hasn't happened, it is what the brain does to stop us freezing with fear so that we can carry on with our daily lives. It is an automatic response. Some class it as a part of grieving for a loss.

Even if you have done something wrong, the best way to deal with it is to get the therapy your doctor says you need. Just because it isn't free on the NHS doesn't mean you don't need it, just that they think you don't deserve it, it means they just don't have enough funding.

I think what temporaryusername says is right: if you were really evil you wouldn't care.

The very first thing you asked was that someone would hold your hand for a while. That is still valid: we are still here because we care; we are here because we want to be. To us you are neither irritable, annoying or miserable. You are a human being in pain and we are here for you.

It's okay. There are only so many times you can tell medical people that you want to kill yourself and be ignored before you realise that it is obviously the right thing to do.

It was in the local paper today that someone had killed themselves in the way I had planned. It's like a sign.

I think that, apart from you, there is nobody who thinks that killing yourself is the right thing to do.

Sometimes logic has to win out over sentimentality. Death stops all of the hurt and it hurts too much to keep trying to get help and being told I'm not ill.

You are ill enough to be on medication and to be in line for counseling. The help is there, even if you have to wait for it. The medication takes time to work, the counseling takes time to be organised. Only you can decide whether you want to go on hurting until someone can reach you.

Right, it is time for bed, I have had my own struggles to deal with today, so I'm tired. Good night, my dear, I hope you will be able to get some rest.

Sleep well.

I won't be back, so I wish you all health and happiness.