If you're going through hell, keep going

[Pare]

Hi, thought I might try another thread as I've missed having somewhere to offload. Thanks for all the support on the other one, I have saved it and removed certain posts so that I can look at it when I need something to focus on.

I went to the meeting with the manager of the Crisis Team tonight and it was really difficult even though he accepted that they had got things wrong. He said I have to keep attending or they will have me assessed under the Mental Health Act. I don't really trust them though and it is going to be really hard. He suggested meeting with the nurse who I saw on Monday, and with him, to try and talk it through and come to an understanding. I don't know if that will be too much.

Sorry, private therapy I meant to say.

No, he said there is nothing else he can do for me so I feel a bit abandoned. I'm not going to get better, am I? I can't bear to exist like this.

I don't know where to start with private therapy. It feels so hit and miss.

I don't think we can conclude you won't get better when your treatment hasn't really begun, and even when it has it can take time to find the right person and to take effect. Also, sometimes things do just change - we're not static emotionally. I am sorry your GP phrased things as he did, it doesn't sound particularly helpful.

Would you consider seeing a psychiatrist privately, who may be able to recommend a therapist to try?

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I don't see any point in anything.

I feel like everything is telling me to die. The crisis team were supposed to post me a crisis plan but never did, my GP can't help, he says ADs don't work and there is no point in me going to see him other than to get my prescription, the CBT appointment hasn't come.

I can't fight for myself anymore. I'm just a shell of a person with no light. I'm in agony mentally and no-one can help me.

I feel so very sad today. Why am I still here?

I'm sorry you feel so bad . You should still be here though. As long as you're here you have a chance, once you are gone that is final and there is no hope. Somewhere inside I think a part of you believes, quite rightly, that it is worth keeping going. We all certainly know that you should. Hold on to that, it is the truth.

Why won't anybody help me? All the professionals make promises of support but then just don't bother doing what they have said they will. I can't go on, I feel dead on my feet.

I really wish they would step up the support for you. You must believe me on this though - it is not a reflection on you, they don't make moral judgments about people or decide who 'deserves' treatment. It just does not work like that. Delays or lack of help don't mean they have decided you're not ill or don't deserve help, equally those who get help quickly aren't more deserving in any way. Unfortunately the mental health services and wait times are great right now, but I think it will come through for you at some point in the not too far distant future. In the meantime I do think using private help is a good idea. You could also write to your local mental health team and state how much you are suffering as having something written on record could be useful, or you could contact MIND or Rethink or similar charity for advice/advocacy.

The crisis team were supposed to send me a crisis plan but haven't bothered.

I tried private but it didn't work out. GP said I should have had an appointment with the IAPT team by now but I haven't heard from them since August.

Hi, I'm back and very glad indeed to see you are still posting, although it is very sad that you feel you are not getting the help you need. Would you try another private psychologist? The fact that it didn't work out with the first one doesn't mean that there is no-one that can help you. And maybe decide beforehand that you will give it, say, three goes before you give up?

The one I saw was the only one in the area.

Did you have a nice break?

I sound completely negative and 'woe is me' don't I? I'm sorry. I tried so hard after I came out of hospital but I feel back down in the hole again.

I think the 'woe is me' is a bit of a vicious circle and very hard to break out of. Have you made an attempt at writing down the events that led to this feeling of despair and anxiety? Could you go out of the area for a bit of help?

I had a really nice time on the Isle of Wight. Got taken round by the family I stayed with, but also got a chance to go out on the buses for a day. I do enjoy my bus pass

I think you are right, I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I need to pull myself together.

I didn't say that. I said I realised how difficult it is to get out of a vicious circle of depression. Pulling yourself together will only tie you up in more knots.
It will take a lot of courage to get writing things down, but it might help. Even opening up to one of us might just help. I repeat my offer of private messaging, maybe others might too? I really think it is a case of 'better out than in'.

How is your mother now?

There is no way I can ever let it out of the box. I can't have anyone knowing how really awful I am.

Pare, if you were able to be courageous enough to 'let it out of the box' to someone in a safe place, where it would still be contained, but shared - a counsellor, perhaps? - I can almost guarantee that you would feel the pressure lifted somewhat, and begin to see that there might be a way up and out of the hole you feel you are in.

I'm sure you're not awful. Your thinking is distorted, understandably since you are suffering from depression and PTSD. Hypothetically though, and I do not think this is the case, if you were 'awful' you would still find understanding and forgiveness from many people. Firstly really awful people are not traumatised and troubled by thinking they are awful, they don't care. They think they're great, they're just in it for themselves. Other people may do something bad (and for all I know you didn't, but are blaming yourself), and then feel troubled by it....they are usually met with understanding. You might be surprised at the human capacity for redemption and recovery. You seem to me a good person who has been through something traumatic and has turned the anger inside.

I also think that whatever you fear from telling people would not be as bad as what you are going through now. You feel trapped right now because you fear telling anyone, yet you know that could help. Just thinking that may make the fear worse, but I suspect the minute it is out that fear will crumble away. I think deep down you hope you'll find the courage. Maybe the first person won't understand, but many would, so don't give up. There is no pressure to do anything right now this minute, so don't veer between fear about telling someone, and being angry with yourself because you can't.

We've all got regrets. We've all done wrong and done things we wish we could change. We've all felt guilt over things that weren't our fault too.

I think you are set in a very rigid pattern of thinking - that is not a criticism, we all are - and to some extent it may have helped you cope. It might be worth questioning some of it though - when you tell yourself you are bad or don't deserve help, just pause and think, 'What if that weren't the case? What could another perspective be if I had to come up with one?'. Also when you get advice, don't always think that it must mean you're doing wrong or that people are annoyed, question that too and think, 'that could be it, but if I assume for a minute that they value me and want to help, how would I interpret their comment then?'. I know you might say you can't make that assumption, but you are making assumptions if you assume the opposite too. It is far more likely that people will wish you well.

What do you fear would happen if I or anybody else knew what happened?

My thinking has been all over the place lately and I haven't been able to muster much encouragement for you pare, sorry. Have been reading and willing you on.

'There is nothing to fear but fear itself' is something which someone gave me to lean on years ago, when there seemed nothing else was there to rely on. I stepped into the unknown, holding tight to that, to test it out, face my fears and start talking to a counsellor.

Fear has caused me to feel horribly unwell at times, I don't realise sometimes that I harbour them and let them surround me and change how I live and behave sometimes. What temporaryusername wrote is so useful. To go through that process of addressing one's thinking and steering it to being positive makes a huge difference. I have to keep going back to it again and again. (I'm beginning to think I should make it into a daily task. I just know I have to keep working at it, but it becomes more pleasurable and becomes an upward spiral, putting me in the path of more positive outcomes and positive people the more I do it.)

Not sure if that is at all helpful for where you are now, not even sure where you are exactly. If you are on that downward spiral where everything leads to another set of destructive thoughts, it can just take one thing to hook yourself out of it and put you on a constructive and positive path. It takes work and practice, especially if you've worn a pathway of negative thoughts over the years, it is easy to fall back into it.

I was raped. It was horrible and violent and not a soul on earth knows. It's shattered me to write that, I can't ever say it.

Well, thank God you have now been able to mention it on here. What I can't understand is how you think that it makes YOU a horrible person?

I can't believe I typed that. I'm sorry, it wasn't fair to dump it on the thread. I'm a terrible person. I need to leave the thread now.

No,no,no. You now need to join me in thanking God that it is out and see what else we can do to support you.

You are emphatically not a bad person, you are someone who has been very badly hurt and who deserves kindness and support. There is such help about, maybe the NHS is not the right place to go for it.

I for one am extremely glad that you have come out with it, nothing can be done to help if someone is running away from the truth of the matter. Please stay and let us give you some love and care. You entirely deserve it.

Dutchoma is right, this is the time to stay on the thread. It was very brave of you to share this with us. I'm am so so sorry this happened to you. You are not terrible, something terrible was done to you, and that is very different. It must have been an incredibly difficult thing to go on without telling anyone, and getting no support. I think this means that if you can access proper victim support it will make a huge difference to your wellbeing. Remember you are not alone, and others have suffered who did not deserve it - they are not bad people and nor are you. No-one will think badly of you, they will feel angry at whoever did this to you and want to give you the kindness you deserve.

Pare, nothing about the circumstances could make this your fault in any way.