Help

[HugAndRoll]

Help I am having a mental breakdown. I need help. I've been self harming, have a plan to kill myself but not a timeline. I have a GP appointment on Friday but I don't think I can wait that long. I don't know what to do.

I posted a little while ago under a name change slipperyslopetodestruction but I can't be bothered to change now. I don't care anymore.

I'm viewing two properties this week. Hopefully the beginning of a new chapter in my life, one that I want to live rather than just wanting to die or disappear.

Why is depression such a cunt? I've been doing so well and then today, bam! It's slapping me in the face. I've cried, punched myself, tried some cathartic writing (it wasn't), cried again and had to really stop myself from cutting my wrist (there is a scratch but I stopped myself as the kids are with me tonight).

I need this all to stop. I need help. Why is it always at this time you realise you need to talk to someone? I can't ring Samaritans as ds2 is very unsettled and in bed with me. He screams if I move out of reach/sight.

I'm going to book some private counselling sessions today, just need to close my eyes for a bit first. Ds1 has tonsillitis but in true aspie form is still bouncing off the walls and other than his raging temperature seems fine. Ds2 is napping so will snooze on the sofa for a bit.

I'm doing badly tonight. Haven't taken meds, got one left until Monday night. Feel very down. Accidentally burned myself earlier, I'm glad. I like the pain. I have strong urges to cut and just want this all to stop.

I feel so lonely but don't want H back. I just need someone's hand to hold.

I took my one pill this morning. The boys didn't sleep so I'm exhausted and irritable. I'm going to the pharmacy later to see if I can get an emergency prescription.

I have to scrub the house today for viewings tomorrow but I don't have the energy. All I seem to do is whinge.

Some good news, I got the flat! I move on Thursday so after the open house tomorrow I'll start packing.

It is. It's a street over from the most supportive person in my life so location is great for me. Thank you, I've lost so many people from my life moving is going to be hard as I don't really have much help. Never mind.

It's amazing how depression has turned me into the world's biggest procrastinator. It's such an effort to do anything and I have a to do list as long as my arm. I need a nudge in the right direction.

A kick up the backside I think. I signed the contract for the flat today but haven't done anything else for the move as our occupational therapy department had an open day for their toy and sensory library. I would like to get ds1 a blackout tent as he has to share a room with ds2 in the new place and it would give him somewhere to hide out when e has sensory overload.

I'm trying to get all my washing done ready to pack including bedding as I'm not sure if the flat has space for a tumble dryer. I hope it does.

Packing also needs to recomence or I'll be panicking tomorrow.

Thank you. I will be back in the G&C this weekend. Save me a nice cold southern comfort lime and lemonade.

There should.

I'm panicking. I only have two friends who have said they'd help me move. If they let me down for whatever reason I'm screwed. Can you take a sofa upstairs on your own?

My family are useless and most of my friends have abandoned me. I really don't know what to do. I can't afford to use a full on removal service and it's probably too late for me to get one anyway.

It's likely I'm worrying for no reason as I have no reason to believe my friends will let me down. It's still a worry though.

No I don't have to be out of the house tomorrow but I have personal reasons why I mentally need to be.

Ex said he'd help if he can get the day off but he's still not sure he can.

I've run out of boxes and still have things to pack. I have way too many things.

Clothes, some toys and the bathroom things so not to

Too much.

I'll be glad when it's done.