Help

[HugAndRoll]

Help I am having a mental breakdown. I need help. I've been self harming, have a plan to kill myself but not a timeline. I have a GP appointment on Friday but I don't think I can wait that long. I don't know what to do.

I posted a little while ago under a name change slipperyslopetodestruction but I can't be bothered to change now. I don't care anymore.

I had dominoes cookies and felt sick. I've not been eating well if I'm honest. Those cookies, a cereal bar, a banana and two bites of sausage Monday-Today. Every time I eat I have strong urges to throw it back up. I'm overweight though (11.13 and 5 foot 7) so it doesn't matter.

That's hardly any food! Could you have something quick and easy like beans /scrambled egg on toast?

Just cookies on an empty stomach will give you a big sugar crash and make you feel worse.

Your weight puts you in the healthy range for bmi so please don't starve yourself. If you want to lose a little bit of weight you can but you need to look after your mental/emotional weight first. That's most important.

*health not weight

I can't face eating. I will say this on Monday.

I saw a friend for a couple of hours which was good. I can already feel my mood crashing again though.

I'm sorry things are so tough at the moment. Being told you're fat really can't help with the eating but as Gunpowder says, you're a healthy weight.

Do you think you could manage soup?

I've had a couple of bites of Easter egg and a digestive biscuit. I know it's not healthy but it's better than nothing.

I'm not a soup fan at the best of times so I think it would make me feel sick.

I'm just counting down to Monday.

Hi hug that's great that you met up with a friend for a couple of hours - good for you. Take it easy now - I found when I was really poorly that socialising was exhausting.

Tea and toast have any appeal. Like you're doing, little snacks is fine - and fruit or peanuts or cheese or whatever you can face eating, will all help as it will keep your blood sugars up....

take care

It is exhausting. I'm hoping to just watch a film tonight when both children are in bed.

Sounds like a good plan. I am on sofa with tv!

I'm watching American Psycho. I've also eaten some toast and chocolate buttons. All in all a positive evening. I'm still low but haven't self harmed today which is a really great step in the right direction.

It's a fantastic step. Good on you, Hug.

Things are always most bleak during these hours.

Hi Hug. Talk to me. How was American Psycho?

Sorry, I ended up messaging a friend. American Psycho was good thank you.

I think I know what I need to do. I'm never going to be truly happy living like this. I have no idea how to do it, I know I'm going to be the evil person and there will be lots of upset and anger.

Do I forsake my happiness for someone else's?

Can you just wait until Monday? It's not very long. Just see if the GP can help you.

Sorry, I meant end my marriage, although ending my life is what will eventually happen if I don't manage to free myself.

I don't know how. I'm not financially secure, I'm going to break his heart if I do. I just don't know what to do.

Oops sorry.

Absolutely end your marriage. He's not supporting you, he's not caring for you.

He's been so much better this week but I just feel it's too little too late.

How do I do it?

I ended up having to talk to Samaritans today and I also self harmed again.

Monday can't come soon enough. H has been more supportive this week. Maybe our chat has helped. Time will tell, obviously I hope so.

I have been tempted to ask to be hospitalised but that's not what's best for my children. I am relying heavily on friends at the moment though and realise I am at risk of becoming a burden to them.

Well done for calling Samaritans Hug. It is not long until Monday. We are all rooting for you.

Thank you. It helps to know I can write on here.

It helps a lot of us knowing we can write on here. And yes, good on you for calling the Samaritans.

Why are the nights so hard?

Because being tired lowers your defences? And because there's so much less distraction when it's quiet and dark.