Hug, I am late to the thread, but wanted to come and add my support. All of us in the G&C would miss you, you have people in rl that would be devastated and most importantly, your dcs need and love you. You are worth everything to them and I know that isn't what you want to hear right now, but it's true.
Take it from someone who knows. Leaving them would end up with them feeling the same pain you are in now, feeling like it was their fault, that they could have/should have saved you somehow if only they'd been better children. Just as what happened to you was not your fault, we know that it wouldn't be theirs', but just as you find that hard to believe and keep hold of - so would they.
It sounds like we come from similar childhoods and I have been very close to where you are now. I have wished I didn't have children so that I could just let go, because I knew deep down that I could never condemn them to a life of self-blame and unanswered questions.
If you can get someone to have your dc, do it - but head straight to A&E and tell them you need help immediately. Hospitalisation for a short while now may be difficult, but in the long term would be beneficial to both you and them and give you a pathway to a future.
I know you can't see that future at the moment, but it is there, you just need to take steps in the right direction and try to trust. (I do understand how hard this is.)
If you have to wait for someone to come and take care of your dcs, call the Samaritans and stay on the line until you can get to A&E you need solid, rl help and you need it now.
... and keep posting, we are all here for you and not knowing you in rl doesn't change how much we genuinely care about you.