Any other relatively 'high functioning' working mothers with depression/ sucidal thoughts out there?

[Sheissmallandveryspidery]

I wondered if could find some support with others feeling like me. Rather than a thread thats all MeMeMe, it would be great to hear from and support others and get support myself.

I've got 2 DCs, work in a full on job though 4d a wk, it might as well be full time. I've had PND since DC2 (now 16mths) and it got worse after returning to work. Its lead to sucidal ideation, despite meds this has continued. Right now things are bad and Im constantly thinking of ways out though I know I cant /wont act on it.

Anyone else?

The funny u is a microgram symbol. 4000 units is 100micrograms. Recomended daily intake is the amount you use up each day. If you put that amount in and then use it up your level stays the same. However if you are already deficient your level won't go up.

The safe upper limit is the amount you can safely take each day without your level getting too high. For Vitamin D its 4000 units or 100 ug (micrograms).

Thank you

Sheis, hope you're ok?

Birthday weekend over now, I'm shattered, looking forward to an early night tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to increase my meds, feeling nervous.

Hope you get a good nights sleep and all goes well tomorrow Kazza.

I've had an awful day at work today but the good news is that I coped and although I'm not happy about it I'm not torturing myself. That is real progress for me.

Well done for coping at work Toothpick, hope today is better.

I slept really well last night and have taken a whole tablet today, so fingers crossed. I don't work Tuesdays so can go to bed if side effects kick in, but have to be ok tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Hope everyone is ok?

Hi Everyone, sorry for the silence.
I actually did a post earlier but it got eaten up by cyberspace

Anyway- last week was really dire for me, so much suicidal stuff in my head. Weekend was better thank goodness as it was busy and things seemed generally better.

Went to GP though to update on meds etc and it was a new person who diagnosed Post Natal OCD as well as PND. This was due to the compulsive nature of my thoughts and actions. Its not in a handwashing/ touching/ ritual kind of way.

It has meant more sertraline and if that doesn't work she mentioned anti psychotic medication... Really not sure what to make of all this.

How is every one? I need to read everyones updates.

She is. xx

Sheis, good to hear from you. Sorry you've been struggling. Glad you went to see your doctor though, you did the right thing. Did you realise there was an element of ocd? I hope the meds will help.

Today hasn't been great, feel a bit rough, which i think may be down to increasing my AD dose.

Hi Kazza- good to hear that you felt able to increase the meds. Are you now on 50?

Im also in side effect zone as I increase to 150.. v weird.

How is everyone else?

Good to see you back Sheis, glad you are okay. Have you got some 'talking cure' type stuff in the pipeline too? CBT was very helpful for me to deal with intrusive thoughts. It was a bit of a mix of looking at the thought patterns and behaviours I had built up and the childhood/relationship issues that had contributed to that. I'd really recommend it. I wouldn't say those problems are under control now but they are immeasurably better than a year ago and only a big problem when I am tired and stressed. Unfortunately that's more than I would like.

Thanks for you kind words Choco. My projects coming to an end at work so I will be less busy, however my boss wants me to take on a really dull low-key low-skill project, which given my performance is probably no less than I deserve. I'm torn between riding it out and focussing on the kids and I hope things will be better in a year and worry that I will lose very shred of my diminishing self-confidence if I take this on.

Yes I'm now on 50mg and still feeling the side effects, slightly upset tum, but coping. Just wish I could sleep better But I have next week off, looking forward to not rushing around.

I did something really stupid at work today. I'm no good at small talk, it makes me nervous, and we were talking as we were leaving the office about the boss staying behind late, and I made a stupid comment about whether he could remember the alarm code when locking up, forgetting that we were directly below his window and he would hear everything It was just a clumsy attempt to join in the conversation, I feel so stupid.

Luckily I won't see him until after Easter, as I'm on holiday next week. I do wish I could learn to keep my mouth shut. I will worry about that all night now

Have been lurking, but am reading the thread with interest/disquiet as I have a 17 yo DD who is suffering the same as many of you. She has anxiety and depression and nearly all of what you say applies to her - the inability to let go of things that happened to her/she did many years ago, the rethinking of past "mistakes", the unwillingness to answer the phone and not liking social situations. She also has suicidal thoughts and is being treated by CAMHS atm.

Her MH team and I have been trying to get her to "learn" Mindfulness and to watch her own thoughts going by in a detached way, as it were, as described above. She is not able to practise this anywhere near as much as she should atm unfortunately.

I hope you don't mind my joining in. The high functioning and perfectionism is also true of DD. Sometimes, though, in relation to schoolwork in particular, she finds it hard to even start a piece of work.

I should add to my earlier post that I am not normally gossipy, my colleagues are always scathing of our boss, but they have worked with him a long time. I get on ok with him. It was such a stupid comment. I feel terrible

Hi ILove, sorry to hear your dd is struggling in this way too

The reluctance to answer the phone cropped up on another thread too. This is something I struggle with a lot; at work I am on the phone all day, it's a huge struggle on a bad day. At home I hate using the phone and avoid it as often as possible. I'm like that about driving too, I only drive locally.

Hi everyone,
I definitley relate to the OP. I had PND after my DD was born 3 and a half years ago, I got over it and for 3 years I was very happy. But just after Christmas the depression hit me again like a sledge hammer. I'm back on anti-d's and I'v having CBT. I'm also working in a very high pressure job and I'm currently sitting here feeling anxious, light-headed and scared. My main problem is that I feel like I no longer love my DD. It's devastating because I worked so hard to build it after PND and for the last 3 years she's been my world, but now I'm scared of her - I feel trapped and worry that I'll feel like this forever. Can anyone relate? X

sorry to hear that, Inthewoods. Life is very hard with small children. Have you spoken to your gp about your feelings?

Feeling really down today, well, for the last few days. So many things to worry about. I'm really worried, because I don't think I can return to work when my week off is up. I'm seeing my gp next Wednesday to discuss how I'm getting on with the anti depressants, I'll have a chat with her then.

Hi, yes I've seen my Gp and I'm on citalopram and having cbt. I was doing quite well until I had a big blip last week and upped my dose to 30mg, and since I've been really anxious. I think my feelings are hiding under the depression as I do get glimmers of loving feelings, but then my anxiety takes over and I start to doubt myself again.
Try not to worry too much about work- I know it's not much help, but if you can't go back you can't go back. Your health comes first xxx

Sorry just seen this.

I don't have the luxury of choosing not to go to work Dh has been out of work for ten months, he has just received a job offer, but the pay is so poor, we need my salary just to survive.

I can't take time off, it's a small office and we are extremely busy, my colleagues would hate me if I took sick leave.

I totally understand, I was recently promoted, just as my depression/anxiety started and I was terrified of telling work the truth in case they didn't think I could cope. So I forced myself in, even if I was sitting at my desk, head spinning. I took a week off in the end as I literally couldn't leave the sofa. But actually they've been supportive, but I still force myself in on bad days. I think this pressure makes things worse. When I first was ill 3 years ago I was on maternity leave so didn't have to worry. It's so hard. X

Yes, I've been working from home, until I started my current job a year ago. When I worked from home it didn't matter if I had an off day.

I need to get a grip and be able to work, hopefully the ads I started 2 weeks ago will help eventually.

I'm glad work have been supportive I worry about what people would be saying behind my back. My boss isn't at all understanding.

The ADs will work hun, two weeks is nothing! Don't worry, soon you'll see a big difference. And remember, this is an illness just like any other, everyone can get this, even your boss! I wish there wasn't such a stigma, it's so unfair. But you will be well again xxx

We had some good news yesterday at last and today I feel a little more optimistic . Maybe I did just need some time off to rest too.

Hope everyone's ok.

I'm lurking.

I'm not depressed I don't think. But I'm finding daily life ever so hard :(

I have a 3yo and a 10 month old. I went back to work in the new year to a challenging job. I work 6.30 am - 3.30p, so I can see more of the DC. Up at 5.30, work all day (no lunch break), home, play, bath and bed. Then clean and packed lunches and bottles then bed. We are buying a house and as first time buyers the process is so involved. The mortgage company ring me daily and I hate the phone and I avoid emails (leaving them unread for days) and I am finding the whole process unbearable. I don't see my DC enough. And today my boss told me my last piece of work was sloppy. And he was right :(

Plus I've just passed my driving test which was great but I had an awful multiple stalling incident the other day when people behind me tooted and gesticulated and now driving home from work makes me shake and cry

I'm Teary and imagining terrible things. I spent most of today panicking ds2 would choke on the blueberries in his lunchbox.

I feel like I'm doing everything badly :(

DH is sympathetic. He just asked what one thing would help but I couldn't think k of a single thing. So he can't do much, can he.

Sorry for hijacking, I'm not suicidal or anywhere near so this might not be the thread for me but I've been watching it a while and finding it comforting.

Hi bigkids

Have you been to see your doctor at all about how you've been feeling? Your life sounds like a never-ending hamster wheel at the moment - you sound exhausted.

I am not a doctor (or anything remotely medical!), but the constant tearfulness, imagining bad things all the time and avoiding things you normally wouldn't are all things that point towards anxiety and low mood (from my own experience) - whenever I start to recognise that build up in myself now I talk to my husband and the doctor straight away before it snowballs.

With regards to driving, I have been driving for 22 years now and still have the odd multiple stalling incident - a well placed sweary namecall and gesture to the horn honkers always works for me! Please try and stop dwelling on that at least, because it's nothing - your overflowing mind is building it up to something it's not.

If your husband is asking what can he do, then talk to him honestly. Open up and be as truthful as you can about your fears and feelings - sometimes just sharing it can give some relief.

Please go and see your dr at the very least, and remember you are not alone - this is just a very busy, stressful blip in your life