Any other relatively 'high functioning' working mothers with depression/ sucidal thoughts out there?

[Sheissmallandveryspidery]

I wondered if could find some support with others feeling like me. Rather than a thread thats all MeMeMe, it would be great to hear from and support others and get support myself.

I've got 2 DCs, work in a full on job though 4d a wk, it might as well be full time. I've had PND since DC2 (now 16mths) and it got worse after returning to work. Its lead to sucidal ideation, despite meds this has continued. Right now things are bad and Im constantly thinking of ways out though I know I cant /wont act on it.

Anyone else?

I came on here today because I feel like I am falling to pieces. I am so glad I found this thread. I feel like I am really struggling with everything at the moment. I have made so many mistakes at work over the last few months because I cant think in a rational manner half the time. My two small boys are a blessing but they run me ragged. I have a lovely dp who has put up with me when I have been pretty ill and didnt have the insight to see. I too have seriously thought about just walking out the door. Sorry if thats just self pitying rambling.

Hi hiding. Welcome to the not so glamorous club. I am sorry you feel this way too.

Has anything particular happened to make you feel worse today ?

None of this is considered self indulgent. Essential is the key phrase for me!

me too. feeling so pathetically sorry for myself at the moment and worried about losing it in front of the kids. 3 dc, work 3 days a week and tbh it was almost easier full time as I didn't have any time to spend with myself and my horrible thoughts.
I was once full of potential, now am ruining my kids, have issues in my marriage which is hanging by a thread and am falling way behind in a job which doesn't interest me one bit. I don't recognise my face, I scream at the kids and I have no-one I can talk to. my mum would get all worried and the few friends I have would be all judgemental (issues involve abortion so not easy to talk about).
If I didn't have the kids I would just drive and drive and not stop.
sorry to be so down and all about me. a particularly bad day. DH won't help as he knows he is part of the problem. just feel so unloved and kids don't respect me. urgh. just writing this so i don't end up crying at my desk to everyone else

[Thanks] to everyone else thats having a bad day.
I used to love my job but now that I only work part time I feel a bit out of the loop. I work a different shift to most. Because I've been struggling with my mood over the winter I've been really scatty and disorganised and have made loads of mistakes. Now it feels like my work relationships are shot because I'm incompetent. Cant imagine telling my work that I'm ill and I dont get sick pay so time off is risky.
I sometimes feel like I'm trying to spin plates and failinghorribly. Work, house, children, partner Is a horrible juggling act.

No ?
I know what you mean about time to think Flipwit. I used to love getting out of the house to go to work. Its the hardest thing in the world to talk about in rl I think. To not feel like I'm being self pitying or something. Its a relief to know that there are others out there that feel the same, even though its a shame that there are.

Welcome to the newcomers

I agree, I don't feel I can talk to anyone. Dh always tells me he's worse off. Mum would worry too much. I have few friends I can speak to and one also competes, always saying, ah, but at least you're not a lone parent - sometimes I wish I was! (I'm not sure I mean that ... But sometimes dh feels like a fourth child - in fact, all the time).

Well, I got through today, although my boss was fairly awful this morning, but I think I was feeling sensitive and also incompetent, as it all felt too much. On the plus side I did sleep last night, although woke a few times, I've felt better physically today, not many side effects from the sertraline, just a headache.

It's great to be able to talk freely here and support each other.

I have put in for holiday the week before Easter and had it approved, which feels like a huge relief - only have to work Easter Saturday morning.

I took a day off today and worked in my garden all day. DC were at nursery and I dug and dug until I thought my arms would fall off. Barely spoke to anyone all day except for the neighbour offering advice on growibg cabbages.

And yet I still find everything which is going on around me overwhelming. It was nice though if only for a while.

Howdidit, hope your baby is better? glad you had a day off work. it helps to have some peace and quiet doesn't it,

I had a breakdown over 2 years ago now and if it taught me one thing it was that I cannot make everything perfect. I was killing myself trying to be the perfect parent, the perfect ambitious employee, the perfect wife. I drove to work every day in floods of tears and often considered crashing the car so it could all stop. The only thing that stopped me was worrying someone else would get hurt. I had a little wobble a few weeks ago, I started shaking and felt exhausted and overwhelmed again. I hadn't slept for a few weeks again (always a trigger for me, worrying about work all night). So I reset things to my mindset after the breakdown. A good effort is good enough, perfect is not required. Other people screw up all the time and get away with it. Plus I do not have to be happy for everyone, let them make there own cheerful! You have to ease off yourself and appreciate everything you are doing. Recognise and praise yourself for the effort you put in, rather then berating yourself for what you (and only you) see as your failings.

Work today was fine. I find myself feeling schizophrenic - I put on a front but hate it inside. This is draining. I was in a meeting getting negative feedback and had to squash the urge to cry. My job sucks.

sherbetpips I recognised the perfection. I am trying to be perfect and it isn't working. What did you do to get through?

Just realised how messed up my post sounds. Work is either fine or not right!? I just don't know anymore.

I too was on the verge of tears when my manager criticised how I handled a call today. It wasn't a terrible mistake, but I didn't feel strong enough to be criticised.

I am a perfectionist too. I am never happy with anything short of perfect and spend many, many nights running through things I have done and how I could have done them differently.

Covert, nice to see you.

Sorry things aren't too good at the moment. Sometimes I think there is no one trigger, just a feeling things are too much.

It's hard when you can't take time off My parents used to go on holiday every year and leave me with my grandparents, but they have only taken my dd once when we had four days honeymoon seven years ago. Mil too far away and never offers help anyway. No one nearby to babysit.

I don't feel like I know how to parent, especially as they get older and I constantly worry about things like anorexia, their self esteem etc., it's very scary!

When my marriage broke up I went through horrible times, was forced to make hasty decisions that turned out to be wrong and will haunt me for the rest of my life. I can't shake them and can't forgive myself for making those decisions and the effect they had on my children and often see things on tv/read things that remind me of this and I fall into the abyss again. I can't bear the thought of living with this all my life, but can't turn back time and change things.

I find it very worrying how detached I sometimes feel these days. Then suddenly I realise I haven't been paying as much attention to ydd as I should, just because there are so many demands on my time, I don't feel I can do it anymore.

I love my children so much, but am also jealous of childless friends who spend all their money and time on holidays.

Sorry, none of this helps, just wanted to say I understand.

And now I'll shut up - feel like I'm taking over the thread Sorry.

Hugs to you too. I don't know how we can get over these experiences a long time ago. It's so easy for therapists to say, move on, forgive yourself, live for today, you cannot change the past. I don't know how to make this happen either. I have tried so hard, but there are memories I can't allow into my head, they are so hard to live with.

I don't know if it would help, or maybe you've already tried, but could you try writing everything down about the situation you are grieving over, all your memories, all your thoughts, all your feelings? Maybe we do need to accept it happened and let it all out in order to start to get over it.

Time for bed for me, I think. Good night all.

Too tired to fully update (have just finished working, and I'm not a shift worker) but just wanted to say so much of this resonates.

Kazza - the meditation CD I use came with the Mindfulness book by Mark Williams (recommended on another thread by a mumsnetter). It really does help me. I woke up at 4 yesterday morning, put the CD on and was able to get back to sleep for 2 more hours. That's made a big difference to me as previously I would've been up drinking tea and worrying.

.

Toothpick, thanks, I'll look out for that.

I've laid awake half the night, thinking about all the rubbish things that have happened over the years. I couldn't get back to sleep. For some reason, and I don't know why, I find it impossible to get up in the night if I can't sleep, I'm scared of waking dh. I don't even put the light on or listen to music or anything as I'm worried that any movement will disturb him. It's not that he's ever got annoyed, he's not really that type of person, I just seem to be this pathetic person who is scared to do anything I often wish I had my own bedroom, I'd read in the night then or listen to relaxation CDs.

Hello and welcome to all the newbies

Grab a seat on the virtual sofa and grab a cup of tea

Kazza- it must be exhausting having a H who is competitive about it. he is receptive to a discussion about helping each other given the mutual understanding? Glad the holiday was approved.
but sorry about the criticism from manager. Did you feel it was unjustified?

Howdid- gardening day sounds lovely. I love solitude too- shame it cant be like that most of the time

Sherbet- thanks for your story, Im often striving for perfection I think it cant be very healthy

Covert- please grab the sofa and have a lie down Im sorry you are feeling rubbish too. Ive not had group therapy but actually fancy it. I think it might give a network of support that is massively missing in my life.

Hi Toothpick

Things here are rumbling along. I had a really bad evening last night with little dc waking and needing cuddling late at night then a rubbish nights sleep- think I was waiting to be woken again. This morning I felt very dark with lots of thoughts of escape. I am having online therapy which is actually more helpful than it sounds. Had that first thing today and it was helpful. Therapist has made me promise to visit GP again to share the suicidal thoughts and to get meds reviewed so doing that next week.

Today I have found myself dreading my family holiday planned for summer hols. Its silly. Its ages away and it might be nice but Im just in a panic about the pressure and what hard work it will be. I just cant face the thought of it right now. Feel so bad for the family for feeling like this.

Sheis, there's a lot of pressure for the holidays to be perfect, isn't there? I must admit I'd like a week alone when I have my time off, instead dh, ydd and ds will be at home all the time. I'm going to try and make some time for myself though, but not convinced it will happen.

Dh doesn't do "talking" at all. If I talk feelings, he shuts up usually. I haven't even told him I've started taking the sertraline, as he thought I shouldn't, that I'd be better without them, but I've realised anxiety about everything is ruling my life and I can't carry on like this. So I pretend everything is fine, because last time we talked he made it quite clear he has enough on his plate, and can't cope with my problems. He must be fed up of hearing about them after all these years. I'm not sure it's a healthy basis for a relationship, but can't even think about it at the moment. I want things re his work and our financial situation to get back to normal and to get to grips with my depression and anxiety first, then I'll see what we've got.