Any other relatively 'high functioning' working mothers with depression/ sucidal thoughts out there?

[Sheissmallandveryspidery]

I wondered if could find some support with others feeling like me. Rather than a thread thats all MeMeMe, it would be great to hear from and support others and get support myself.

I've got 2 DCs, work in a full on job though 4d a wk, it might as well be full time. I've had PND since DC2 (now 16mths) and it got worse after returning to work. Its lead to sucidal ideation, despite meds this has continued. Right now things are bad and Im constantly thinking of ways out though I know I cant /wont act on it.

Anyone else?

[bigkidsdidit]

Oh Waves, you poor thing that all sounds overwhelming. I don't have any advice - if I did I would take it myself. But I know what it all feels like :(

If you slacked off a bit at work and went at a slower pace - just worked your 40 hours, for example - would it show? Are you putting these demands on yourself IYSWIM or is it expected of you by others?

[nethunsreject]

Hi waves, there is good information on the breastfeeding network about ad safety during bf. Many many bf ing mums take them. Maybe worth asking different GP too? Sorry, it's crap having to struggle for help

[monicalewinski]

Waves, I know nothing about bf, but it's definitely not the only way you are being 'a proper mum'. If you weren't in the het up state you are you would see that your self.

Please go back to the Dr - you are trying to do way too much by the sounds of your post and something has to give - you're not failing anyone, but you are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself.

Hi beeny, it's the wanting to drive/run away feeling that I get when it gets too overwhelming, like you. How are you today?

[inthewoods4]

Hi, I agree on the ADs and breastfeeding - I'm sure there is something you can take. I understand what you mean about being a 'proper mum' to your baby by BFing - but you've already done a fab job by doing it for 9 months, and you being happy will be much more helpful to your LO. You are a proper mum and an amazing one, because you are still caring for your child while being ill, which is terribly hard. This is an illness, and nothing to be ashamed of. Go back to your GP and tell him/her exactly how you are feeling, because it doesn't have to be like this xxxx

[kazzawazzawoo]

wavesandsmiles, sorry you ere struggling, that sounds unbearable. I thought there were ADs you can take whilst breastfeeding. Maybe call your surgery and ask to see another gp.

Sorry I'm at work and don't have much time, but just wanted to say I think you need to see your gp again. Keep us posted and feel free to pm me if you want to talk.

[wavesandsmiles]

I have been lurking a little - too busy for MN these days, but I just wanted to say it is good to know I'm not alone in this!

I have a senior role in a demanding industry, I joined the company when my youngest was just over 4 months old. He's now 9 months, and I also have a DD (8) and a DS (10). On top of that I am a single parent, and basically just find everything too much. My job is killing me, I am quite a perfectionist and am being forced to settle for far less than perfect due to internal politics, and on top there is just so so so much that needs fixing. Basic set hours are 40 a week, but I now work through all my lunches, come in early and leave late where childcare permits, and usually have to work at least a day each weekend just to keep my head above water.

I spent most of the bank holiday cleaning my house because I don't have time for it usually (not an excuse for general laziness, I really don't, because I collect the children, then it's bath time, bedtime, a little play time if I'm early enough, then typically I catch up on the lap top with work then crash out)

I think I have had enough. I cut my arm pretty badly a week ago because I just needed a release. I steri stripped it up myself but it was v deep. I also overdosed a few months ago. It makes me so cross with myself that I am totally failing my kids by being so damn selfish as to do that and potentially damage them. And I see so much of me in the older two as well. But then I get feeling so bad I reckon they would be better off without my influence in their lives

I saw my GP a few months ago who diagnosed PND and who won't prescribe meds because I am still breastfeeding, and wanted to sign me off, but I cannot afford to be off work. And I won't stop breastfeeding - it is the one thing that makes me feel like a "proper mum" to my baby.

Sorry to just appear and rattle on. I can't tell anyone what things really feel like.

[beeny]

Hi me too, just want to drive away.

[inthewoods4]

I've just read the article in the Times, it's so sad, but just shows how many different people can be affected by depression - especially those who juggle so many things. X

[kazzawazzawoo]

Dd still at home today, back to school tomorrow, but I'm working this afternoon Miserable day weatherwise too

[Meglet]

Back to school and back to work. We're a happy house this morning .

[morchoxplz]

Very interesting article On this subject in this weekends Saturday Times magazine.

[inthewoods4]

I understand, sometimes it's just not that fun being a mum and working. I couldn't not work, I'm ambitious and it's such a part of who I am, but it also means that I put pressure on myself as a parent, and feel that every moment has to be perfect and if it's not I get down on myself. That's what triggered my current period of anxiety, my dd was seriously difficult for a while after Xmas and it brought my straight back to pnd. Now, if just feel permanently guilty about being a bad mum because I don't feel constant affection for her. Xxx

[bigkidsdidit]

Thank you both for replying, you are very kind.

Tbh no chance of a break.

It's just never ending, isn't it. I've read all this thread now and feel the same as many others. I am 'high achieving' - I have a phd, a good job, nice clothes, always well presented, two dc in clean clothes, a tidy house, 7 portion of fruit and veg a day. Just keeping it all going is an exhausting hamster wheel.

For me the constant guilt is the worst. I have to check work Saturday and Sunday mornings. Just half an hour, but I have to. When I've skipped it my boss has not been happy. But the guilt of not spending that hour with my dc and leaving DH AGAIN.

I'm not going o the doctor. Honestly I think I need to woman up a bit. I don't have it any worse than most working mothers and considerably easier than most. I just need to somehow learn to cope with the guilt and anxiety about it all :(

[inthewoods4]

I think you need a break. It sounds like stress is piling up on top of you. Don't forget a driving test is incredibly stressful- so well done for passing! Sometimes I think life just gets too much and you need some time out. Is this possible for you? X

[monicalewinski]

Hi bigkids

Have you been to see your doctor at all about how you've been feeling? Your life sounds like a never-ending hamster wheel at the moment - you sound exhausted.

I am not a doctor (or anything remotely medical!), but the constant tearfulness, imagining bad things all the time and avoiding things you normally wouldn't are all things that point towards anxiety and low mood (from my own experience) - whenever I start to recognise that build up in myself now I talk to my husband and the doctor straight away before it snowballs.

With regards to driving, I have been driving for 22 years now and still have the odd multiple stalling incident - a well placed sweary namecall and gesture to the horn honkers always works for me! Please try and stop dwelling on that at least, because it's nothing - your overflowing mind is building it up to something it's not.

If your husband is asking what can he do, then talk to him honestly. Open up and be as truthful as you can about your fears and feelings - sometimes just sharing it can give some relief.

Please go and see your dr at the very least, and remember you are not alone - this is just a very busy, stressful blip in your life

[bigkidsdidit]

I'm lurking.

I'm not depressed I don't think. But I'm finding daily life ever so hard :(

I have a 3yo and a 10 month old. I went back to work in the new year to a challenging job. I work 6.30 am - 3.30p, so I can see more of the DC. Up at 5.30, work all day (no lunch break), home, play, bath and bed. Then clean and packed lunches and bottles then bed. We are buying a house and as first time buyers the process is so involved. The mortgage company ring me daily and I hate the phone and I avoid emails (leaving them unread for days) and I am finding the whole process unbearable. I don't see my DC enough. And today my boss told me my last piece of work was sloppy. And he was right :(

Plus I've just passed my driving test which was great but I had an awful multiple stalling incident the other day when people behind me tooted and gesticulated and now driving home from work makes me shake and cry

I'm Teary and imagining terrible things. I spent most of today panicking ds2 would choke on the blueberries in his lunchbox.

I feel like I'm doing everything badly :(

DH is sympathetic. He just asked what one thing would help but I couldn't think k of a single thing. So he can't do much, can he.

Sorry for hijacking, I'm not suicidal or anywhere near so this might not be the thread for me but I've been watching it a while and finding it comforting.

[kazzawazzawoo]

We had some good news yesterday at last and today I feel a little more optimistic . Maybe I did just need some time off to rest too.

Hope everyone's ok.

[inthewoods4]

The ADs will work hun, two weeks is nothing! Don't worry, soon you'll see a big difference. And remember, this is an illness just like any other, everyone can get this, even your boss! I wish there wasn't such a stigma, it's so unfair. But you will be well again xxx

[kazzawazzawoo]

I'm glad work have been supportive I worry about what people would be saying behind my back. My boss isn't at all understanding.

[kazzawazzawoo]

Yes, I've been working from home, until I started my current job a year ago. When I worked from home it didn't matter if I had an off day.

I need to get a grip and be able to work, hopefully the ads I started 2 weeks ago will help eventually.

[inthewoods4]

I totally understand, I was recently promoted, just as my depression/anxiety started and I was terrified of telling work the truth in case they didn't think I could cope. So I forced myself in, even if I was sitting at my desk, head spinning. I took a week off in the end as I literally couldn't leave the sofa. But actually they've been supportive, but I still force myself in on bad days. I think this pressure makes things worse. When I first was ill 3 years ago I was on maternity leave so didn't have to worry. It's so hard. X

[kazzawazzawoo]

Sorry just seen this.

I don't have the luxury of choosing not to go to work Dh has been out of work for ten months, he has just received a job offer, but the pay is so poor, we need my salary just to survive.

I can't take time off, it's a small office and we are extremely busy, my colleagues would hate me if I took sick leave.

[inthewoods4]

Hi, yes I've seen my Gp and I'm on citalopram and having cbt. I was doing quite well until I had a big blip last week and upped my dose to 30mg, and since I've been really anxious. I think my feelings are hiding under the depression as I do get glimmers of loving feelings, but then my anxiety takes over and I start to doubt myself again.
Try not to worry too much about work- I know it's not much help, but if you can't go back you can't go back. Your health comes first xxx

[kazzawazzawoo]

sorry to hear that, Inthewoods. Life is very hard with small children. Have you spoken to your gp about your feelings?

Feeling really down today, well, for the last few days. So many things to worry about. I'm really worried, because I don't think I can return to work when my week off is up. I'm seeing my gp next Wednesday to discuss how I'm getting on with the anti depressants, I'll have a chat with her then.

[inthewoods4]

Hi everyone,
I definitley relate to the OP. I had PND after my DD was born 3 and a half years ago, I got over it and for 3 years I was very happy. But just after Christmas the depression hit me again like a sledge hammer. I'm back on anti-d's and I'v having CBT. I'm also working in a very high pressure job and I'm currently sitting here feeling anxious, light-headed and scared. My main problem is that I feel like I no longer love my DD. It's devastating because I worked so hard to build it after PND and for the last 3 years she's been my world, but now I'm scared of her - I feel trapped and worry that I'll feel like this forever. Can anyone relate? X