Any other relatively 'high functioning' working mothers with depression/ sucidal thoughts out there?

[Sheissmallandveryspidery]

I wondered if could find some support with others feeling like me. Rather than a thread thats all MeMeMe, it would be great to hear from and support others and get support myself.

I've got 2 DCs, work in a full on job though 4d a wk, it might as well be full time. I've had PND since DC2 (now 16mths) and it got worse after returning to work. Its lead to sucidal ideation, despite meds this has continued. Right now things are bad and Im constantly thinking of ways out though I know I cant /wont act on it.

Anyone else?

[kazzawazzawoo]

I would like to do meditation, yoga, relaxation etc., but find it difficult to find time to myself with dh at home all the time. Hopefully he'll find a job soon and I'll have time to myself again.

[kazzawazzawoo]

Andsmile, I would like to have more counselling, but they're not quick to offer it around here. I saw last time a nurse, who was a step before proper counselling. He was a nice guy, but didn't really understand. I often said I was ok, because I couldn't explain why I felt the way I did. He basically just told me not to be anxious, and it's just not as simple as that. Not sure if I could talk openly to anyone though or if it would help even. I've never been confident, but now I don't know how to be me or anything other than panicky and anxious.

[hotcrosshunny]

How's everyone today?

I had the day off which was nice but work was still there in the background. I feel ill at the thought of Monday. Talking to the other mums most of whom are stay at home made me as they're at the stage where the DC are at school/preschool so they tell me it gets easier

There's too much and my head wants to explode.

[chocohontas]

kazza I'm a real 100% person - typical 'a' type personality. I knew there was no chance of changing that completely so just tried to move things to 80/20. Even a small shift makes a difference and feels more manageable.

Re the yoga etc - I've also never had time to fit it in so when I need to I do breathing exercises in bed when I wake up - just before I go to sleep (there are loads on YouTube.)

[ToothpickCharlie]

How are you feeling now Sheis?

[Beanie456]

Hi, can I join the chat on here as well, please? This situation really resonates with me.

I have stupidly overshared some stuff with a work colleague and they have suggested I might be depressed. I've never really thought of myself as depressed.

I have these big suicidal thoughts but I would never actually act on them, I couldn't leave my children without a mother, so I don't consider myself suicidal. And I go through life at the moment, work life particularly, in this fog of fear and anxiety but although I feel like I am walking a tightrope that anytime I could fall off, I just keep going, just keep coping, keep trying to fight off the feelings. So long as I keep getting up in the morning, keep caring for my family, keep going to work, I feel fraudulent to claim to be depressed.

I've realised two things from the shock I have caused. Firstly that I am clearly outwardly appearing to be coping better than I thought. I thought it was really obvious how much I was struggling. Secondly that my view of normal might be completely out of kilter.

I am sorry that you are all going through this but I am also glad to find other people out there feeling the same way as me.

[rabbitsteeth]

Hello Beanie. Suicidal thoughts are fairly common when people are depressed. Even a bit depressed. It doesn't mean you will act on them unless you are actually making a plan. That being said it is a warning sign of depression and you should definitely go to your GP. Even offloading and talking to him/her should help. One if four people have some sort of mental health problem so its nothing to be ashamed of. The Dr could refer you for some counselling or offer antidepressants. They are non addictive and can be taken for say six months to a year and could really help which is the most important thing.

People don't notice from the outside. I get up put my makeup on, look after my family etc and mostly appear normal lol! But I have Anxiety Disorder and Depression which is treated etc. Getting a combination of talking and drug therapy and then looking at ways you can help yourself is the best option. E.g. relaxation cd, nice hot baths, bit of time to yourself, a friend to confide in etc. Acceptance of yourself and your limits.

All the best.

[HarrietVaneAgain]

The things is I am and always have been an 80/20 girl. Certainly no one has ever accused me of having high standards but I do like to think I'm being a good mother and providing vfm at work and I don't feel either of those things are happening at the moment.

Sheis I really hope you are okay.

[chocohontas]

Harriet You might think you are not necessarily putting yourself under enormous pressure but I just looked back at your earlier post and you said: 'Oh well back to back meetings and interviews and performance reviews today' .... all after very little sleep.
That is a LOT to deal with . Give yourself a break .... even if its just by telling yourself 'actually Ive got a very busy job at the same time as trying to be the best mum I can be to little ones.'

[monicalewinski]

Hi, I posted earlier on in the thread but keep popping back to read (nothing worthy to add!).

Just wanted to pick up on a comment beanie made though about feeling 'fraudulent to claim to be depressed' - I think that's quite a theme on this thread - because we put our make-up on, do well at work, are 'on top' of housework etc we are clearly not depressed to the rest of the world, yet in our heads we're constantly fighting to hold on tightly to the veneer and keep the illusion in place. It's exhausting.

There's a lot of us the same, but we don't see it in real life, because other people are putting on the front too - only the vocal depressed and those who fit the standard mould are seen, there's so many of us who are invisibly walking beanie's tightrope.

[kazzawazzawoo]

Totally agree monica and beanie, I feel the same, because I haven't taken to my bed, but continued to "function", forcing myself to work, cook etc. (I'm not on top of the housework though!), I feel I can't call myself depressed, yet am struggling to carry on and don't want to feel like this anymore.

Hope you are all ok. It's my ydd's birthday today, I currently have four 12/13 year olds upstairs. Feeling very anxious. Also very tired as we were late finishing getting the birthday cake ready last night and hence late to bed and up early this morning with the birthday girl.

[ToothpickCharlie]

I don't envy you tonight Kazza - I have my own lovely 12 year old. Hope your DD had a lovely birthday.

Really liked choco's idea of a basket full of things to help rather than a cure all. That has certainly been the case for me and its definitely worth trying different things.

[kazzawazzawoo]

Yes they are rather over excited. I just hope they go to sleep at some point..

[chocohontas]

I've had both 'types' of depression/anxiety.
The total close down of normality where any pretence about being capable of carrying on is impossible : indescribable really. By far the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

But then the grinding difficulty of still functioning while facing horrible thoughts / exhaustion/ overwhelming anxiety is as much of a challenge really. So even if you decide not to 'go public' and tell people - give yourself a break by telling yourself that just by keeping going you are achieving a huge amount.

[angelsfeet]

Am new on here so not sure how things work. Glad I am not the only one. I have Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder in remission and Panic Disorder. All stem from childhood. Had post natal depression 16 years ago. Recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder Traits.

Appreciate any people to chat too.

[Beanie456]

Chocohontas, do you mind me asking if you have had the two different types at different times or if you have progressed from one to the other?

[Ghostsdonttalk]

Very low Vit D can cause you to feel like this. It is worth getting your blood level checked. It might not be the whole story but possibly a contributing factor.

[BluebellTuesday]

Agree on the vitamin D, a colleague mentioned this to me. I have been taking this as well as a multivit and iron. The dr said there was no point doing bloods as my tiredness and struggling was 'situational'. Same re medication, though I did get given Valium when I was anxious (understatement!) during very hostile separation.

[kazzawazzawoo]

What does lack of vitamin D cause? Can it lead to depression?

I do take vitamin D supplements however.

I've survived the weekend with dd's friends sleeping over. They were well behaved, if a little over excited. I put earplugs in last night and slept well. Still tired though. Early night for me!

[chocohontas]

beanie - separate times (rather than one leading to the other.)
Happy to answer any questions.

[ToothpickCharlie]

Thank you everyone for sharing experiences - sorry to hear what people are going/have gone through but makes me feel less alone. I'm on week 4 of my CBT sessions and week 2 of the Mindfulness program and am feeling better able to cope. The key thing for me has been not to suppress my negative thoughts (which then bubble up anyway into panic) and to see them in a more disassociated way as thoughts not facts. It has taken practice but it has calmed down the constant snowballing/racing of thoughts. Not 'cured' as such but feel I'm on my way to feeling better and more in control.

Welcome angelsfeet. You'll find lots of support and chat here.

[Ghostsdonttalk]

Low Vit D can cause depression and research currently ongoing into a possible link with suicide.

You need to take about 4000 units a day to correct serious deficiency. Thats a lot more than the 400units in the normal multivitamins you can buy.

[Ghostsdonttalk]

m.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201301/suicide-and-vitamin-d

[Ghostsdonttalk]

m.psychologytoday.com/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201307/vitamin-d-deficiency-and-depression

[BluebellTuesday]

My vit D supplement has got 10 ug, not a u but a funny symbol, and my multivit has got 5 ugs, what does that equate to? It says 200 and 100% of the RDa respectively.

I have to say, with that and the iron, and walking 3 times a week (would like to do more exercise but struggle for time), I notice some bit of difference.

Going to read your links, thanks.

toothpick, interested to hear about the mindfulness,it is something I have been thinking about