Any other relatively 'high functioning' working mothers with depression/ sucidal thoughts out there?

[Sheissmallandveryspidery]

I wondered if could find some support with others feeling like me. Rather than a thread thats all MeMeMe, it would be great to hear from and support others and get support myself.

I've got 2 DCs, work in a full on job though 4d a wk, it might as well be full time. I've had PND since DC2 (now 16mths) and it got worse after returning to work. Its lead to sucidal ideation, despite meds this has continued. Right now things are bad and Im constantly thinking of ways out though I know I cant /wont act on it.

Anyone else?

No, I didn't feel the criticism from my manager was unjustified, but equally it wasn't a huge error either. But to put me straight in front of my colleagues wasn't fair. I also don't handle criticism well anyway, especially when I'm feeling as sensitive as I was on Wednesday. In an ideal world I'd be taking a few weeks off til I feel a but better, but it's not possible.

Today I feel bad, because they tried to call me this morning - on my day off - and I didn't pick up. Too scared that perhaps one of my colleagues would be off ill again and they would want me in immediately, as that happened a week and a bit ago. It was at the time a bad reaction to some medication she'd been prescribed. She stopped the medication after a week and quickly recovered. Now she's been told she has to start the medication again, so it's only a matter of time until she's off again and I can't cope with the thought of doing her work as well as mine, when I'm struggling to cope with my own workload.

Criticising you in front of colleagues isn't on. That's awful.
Glad you didn't pick up the phone today. Good for you for protecting your time.

I'm really ashamed to say that I'm not coping with my 17month old. She is getting tantrumy which is fine as they are over quite quick but the cry whining is killing me. All evening since I got home she's been at it. I know it's the witching hour but it's so hard and everything is a fight (getting her dried And dressed after her bath is good example). Love her so much but find her so hard.

It's so difficult when they're that age. Can you and dh take it in turns to take care of her for that difficult time, so the other person can get on with something else? eg my dh used to take ydd out in the pushchair for a long walk or drive in the car a bit when I'd had enough. or give her her bath.

I'm dreading going to work tomorrow and also am so tired.

Can you try and get an early night? Not easy if you lie there tossing and turning though.

If I told DH that I needed him to take over because I couldn't cope, I get a bad response. I'm expected to be bright and breezy regardless of stress or sleep deprivation.

That's a pity that dh won't help.

I do fancy an early night, but suspect i will wake in the early hours and not be able to go back to sleep.

Hi, not sure about joining this thread or not, I am coping okay at the moment as I have switched to working at home two days a week, but I recognise what you are saying from the end of my marriage, when I had 2 hr a day commute, baby dc, no sleep, no support, demanding job, the house to run, I understood why people committed suicide. Horrible, horrible place to be. I was always supposed to be cheerful as well.

That was nearly a year and a half ago; marriage didn't survive, very messy on-going separation, but I feel like I have begun to recover something of myself. The period when dc are small and you are trying to keep up professionally is brutal. And then, if you don't have support, it is harder still. I think I am hiding, really, with my working at home, but it is the only way I can cope. I am exhausted, really, but I am not doing as much as before.

Anyway, I read the thread, so I thought I would say hi.

Sorry, that was a bit of an imposition, all about me post.Sorry, am tired.

Hi bluebell
Thanks for posting. I'm sorry that you have and do feel like this. I'm glad you are reviving in some way.In some ways I find your words reassuring- the fact that work + small kids+ marriage + no support is brutal.
Personally my perfectionist tendencies make me assume it should be easy yet I cannot do it all.

My DH does his share at home of physical stuff. I do the thinking/ planning re kids plus we have a nanny. I just need the emotional support and understanding that I find things hard.

We had chat last night about a nice thing I will be doing. I said I was anxious about getting all the logistics sorted to enable me to do it. He was really agitated by the idea that I was anxious about nice plans. It's so black and white to him. Sigh

How do you find the additional burden of being a single parent and the messy fall out vs how things were? Glad that working at home helps you. It's a help to not have to face the world sometimes isn't it.

Kazza- I hope work goes ok today and you managed to get some sleep

Update us on how it's going when you can. X

Hi Sheis,

I think the problem is no-one really tells you how hard it is. Or that it still mostly falls to women when children come along, to organise and do things. And you are a successful, professional woman precisely because you do do things to a high standard, and it is really hard, if not impossible, to keep that up in all aspects of your life with small children and little sleep.

My (separated) husband was away quite a lot of the time, and he would always ask me why I was tired. There was that level of not getting it; plus he wanted things a certain way when he was here, including my mood.

At the moment, it is hard to answer your last question. I certainly wouldn't go back to how things were, no, but the messy fall-out means that I am not really where I want to be either. I had a short period of thinking things were sorted, when it felt like an absolute weight off my shoulders, and then it became clear that they are not sorted,and I don't know how/when they will be. But I have done a lot of work in the last year on being okay and on spending time with DC, getting enough sleep regardless of the state of the house, seeing my friends, trying to focus on the bits of my job I enjoy, all these things which mean that I don't always have the horrendous fire-fighting feeling, and those feelings of just wanting to drive away and not come back. I am tentatively beginning to feel more comfortable in myself again. It is hard to know if that would have happened anyway.

Hello, I am a SAHP, two DC, one toddler. I clicked on the thread to ead about this idea of 'functioning' that's all I feel I do, function - I do the bare minimum to get by each day. My self esteem is shot. But I can get dressed, put on a face, rabbit away to people.

Inside i feel shrivelled with guilt, frozen by my negativity.

When I had PND in never used medication. I had counselling and used self help strategies. Ive bobboed along ever since. I never feel 'normal' I'm so self aware its unreal and terribly sensitive.

She I have a nice thing planned this weekend. Im consantly going through my head what I need to do to get ready and go. The thought of getting ready, I really feel like I want to just cancel.

Hope everyone is coping today?

I had a better night last night, slept well, although I still feel exhausted. I seem to be getting on ok with the half dose of sertraline, side effects are minimal.

Tomorrow is ydd's birthday and three of her friends are sleeping over tomorrow night, this would normally send me into a panic. I'm going to try to stay calm

Andsmile, it dawned on me the other night whilst reflecting on my life that I can't remember when I last looked forward to going out for that very reason. I get in such a panic beforehand, I always want to cancel. I think it's because a few times on a night out and on holiday I've felt really ill (due to anxiety too I think), so now I worry it'll happen again. Consequently I can't be spontaneous and dh thinks I'm a real killjoy, never up for anything. I hate being like this

Ive just sent a bit of rant to my DH about tomorrow night - It's not right to be sitting here trying to think of excuses to get out of going.

I always think it m ust be because Im a lazy cow with bad self indulgent habits - chocolate, wine lack of gym. I need to sort myself out.

kaaza it only takes one bad experience for the association to form. I used to live with somone who had severe anxiety and couldnt go out at times.

I feel guilty all the time, im sure somoene will knock on the door oneday and tell me off for wasting mylife and not living it correctly.

I used to struggle to leave the house, didn't answer the door or phone. I kicked myself up the bum, had some counselling, eventually got a job. Now I find it creeping back and it's interfering with my work. I can't afford to lose my job and have to improve things.

I hope you manage to enjoy your outing.

I go out ok but find creeping anxiety around social stuff. I know this is related to something that happended last year that i cant seem to let go of. I know I need to speak to someone. I feel I have so much stuff going on in my mind I dont know who I am or where to start. I know I am in here, even the ballsy part that is outgoing, confident.

Thanks for the well wishes kazza do you think you will go back to counselling? I keep trying to tell myself nothing bad is happening...and repeat repeat...

Hi everyone. Sorry for quick post. I just need to share this.

I'm home from work and waiting to go into the house to do nanny handover and I'm massively fearful and panicky.

I'm dreading it. It's crazy. My poor kids. I'd rather be on my own somewhere or away altogether.

Will post more later and catchup with everyone.

I had postnatal depression 16 years ago and still on the AD's for depression and anxiety. Was diagnosed with a Panic Disorder and then General Anxiety Disorder. I find beta blockers a great help for anxiety and had lots of counselling and CBT. Recently had more counselling call CAT as much to my surprise was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder Traits! Never been so insulted! Had never heard of it so it was really traumatic! At least I got the right therapy though and support. I don't work now which helps as I find social situations difficult. Also my children are older which is easier. I think the right medication and support and giving yourself a break is vital and accepting you have it and not thinking its your fault really helps.

I am relieved I am not the only person who appears normal and has all these difficulties! Sorry all of you are having a bad time. It does improve a bit with age and less stress as children get older.

Wish I knew anyone else who has BPD traits!

Hello
I just wanted to add another 'it does get better' message.
Your OP described me a few years ago. On the surface very high functioning with senior job - which I did need to take a break from at one stage plus medication.
I honestly couldnt see an end to it but life has moved on. I do still take a very low dose AD (possibly for life ?) and I'm fearful of blips which do sometimes come back and bite me but generally Im happy and feel blessed.
I tried to think of way of dealing with it as a basket full of things rather than one cure-all.
So not just medication but relaxation exercises, plenty of sleep,cbt, decent diet, being kind to myself, gentle exercise etc etc
And things do get easier when children get older.

oh - and forget 'perfection' / ' doing it all' etc etc.

I really had to change my mantra to 'good enough'. Honestly - its really liberating.

Sorry you're struggling Sheis. Do you think anything in particular has set it off? Is there any way of getting five mins to yourself, putting the children in front of the tv or something, just so you can grab a cup of tea and gather yourself?

I agree chocohontas. I was told that lots of small things help. I do all the things you mention too. I agree with good enough and thats my life now too.

I agree, choco, I can't imagine how I would cope now if my dc were tiny. Youngest is 12, so at least I get sleep at night!

Settling for good enough instead of perfection is difficult, how do you learn how to do that?