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Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 29/01/2014 18:31

I'm sorry to you wonderful, generous mums who have believed in me.

OP posts:
Sexnight · 29/01/2014 18:38

We still believe in you.

You sounded stronger this morning....this is a blip. Your cpn sounds pretty crap...we can help. Keep talking.x

TallGiraffe · 29/01/2014 18:53

You are an amazing mum too. Although your appointment does sound pretty rubbish Sad

Do you have another professional you could speak to? You were speaking this morning about crisis team / hospital. Is there someone there you can ring?

Your post this morning sounded like a window into your future. A window into a happier place. How an we er you back there?

TallGiraffe · 29/01/2014 18:54

How can we get you back there?

Stupid phone...

takeitaway · 29/01/2014 19:08

Listen to Giraffe, and try to remember how you felt this morning. You were positive, you were productive, and you did that all on your own.

You will feel like that again. And the windows where you feel like that will grow. You just need to be kind to yourself. And sleep! Don't underestimate how much your lack of sleep affects everything.

Keep talking x

paxtecum · 29/01/2014 19:25

Madeup: We do all believe in you.

We are all here giving you support.

Did you sleep ok last night?
You were positive this morning.
I know when I'm tired I'm a bit of a pessimist.
My energy levels are better in the mornings.

Try to sleep well tonight.

We all want to help you to get better.

x

WelshMoth · 29/01/2014 20:04

Lots of gentle arms here giving you a hug and holding you up. Like others have said, this is a blip.

Am cross that your CPN saw fit to present you with a swear word survey.

Cross doesn't even cover it actually. Angry

WelshMoth · 29/01/2014 20:05

I believe you can get through this bli madeup.

You are still here - still here to fight another day. Still here to love, and be loved by those around you.

Don't.
Give.
Up.

WelshMoth · 29/01/2014 20:06

Bli?

BIip.

Bloody phone.

Sexnight · 29/01/2014 22:59

You okay madeup? Xx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 29/01/2014 23:07

Gave myself the time and opportunity again tonight, couldn't do it.

Its going to be a long night. Will try and respond more articulately tomorrow.

Im so sorry if people have worried, I do feel you have all created something special in helping me here. It is hard for me to believe that i am worth caring about and I really hate the thought of anyone worrying.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 29/01/2014 23:14

You are worth it. It shines though even on the Internet. Sorry I haven't been around much, will post more tomorrow, glad you will be here to read it.

Could you think about visiting your GP?

peacefuleasyfeeling · 29/01/2014 23:17

MadeUp, I'm so sorry the meeting didn't in the way you had planned Sad. So many dumb things stacked against you, please do not blame yourself. I know it may not be where you're at, but anger would be a very reasonable response to this unfortunate let down. Can you make contact by phone, and perhaps even get to speak to someone whose priorities are in sounder order? You sounded clear in your post from this morning about the direction you wanted to pursue. You sounded light. I also noticed how you described how you felt when immersed in your work; the experience of relief of being "in the moment". Do you do any kind of mindfulness practice or zen meditation, by any chance? Please keep your face turned toward the window Giraffe described, we're here willing you on. Good night, I hope you get some rest tonight, and I look forward to hearing about how you are doing tomorrow.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 29/01/2014 23:55

What if this is it forever? Would you agree i have to consider a way out?

OP posts:
clio51 · 30/01/2014 00:50

No way madeup, nothing last forever.
One day at a time, it may take a while but you will get there.

What about your meds? Have you been on them a while? Perhaps you need a review?

100redballoons · 30/01/2014 03:48

Hey, enough already. OK, you were all prepared, you were brilliant, you'd got yourself all wound up for this meeting, you walked in and then you found they had another agenda. And they were so dumb, they couldn't see that you really needed them there for you. Well, fuck them!! They screwed up. But you didn't. And now you've got to get a plan in place to get you through till next time. And you can do that. With the support of all these amazing people out here on MN, you're going to get through. They are all here rooting for you. Take strength from them, as much as you need.

Yes, you're entitled to look for a way out. We both know that way is always there. But we also know that if we open that gate, we leave it open for our beautiful DCs too. They learn from us, they follow us.

I know, that's really below the belt, saying that. Too late for nice talk. It's time now to gather the last tiny bit of strength you have left, and fight this bloody bloody illness. It's not you. Your DH knows that, or he wouldn't be there beside you. Your DCs know that, they love their mummy. And everyone here on team madeup, we all know that too. It's not you, it's this fucking chemistry that fucks up our heads. We don't deserve it. Next time, sweet Jesus, put us on the list for a broken leg, or maybe a nasty case of recurrent tonsillitis!

But seriously madeup, please stay focussed on that tiny light in the darkness. You feel that you have thrown everything away but, from where I'm standing, you've had this bloody illness and yet you have still achieved so much already despite it. Take those talents of yours, and find a new path to develop them, a path unique to you.

Still holding your hand, if you want me to. Flowers for a new day. Thanks

paxtecum · 30/01/2014 06:32

Good morning Madeup.
Your despair won't be forever.
You will get better.

I wish you a better day today.
x

TheGashlycrumbTinies · 30/01/2014 06:45

Morning made-up, also here, handholding, wishing you a better day. Thanks

Sexnight · 30/01/2014 06:49

Yeah, what 100rb said! The light is shining from you, despite the knocks.

Have a good day. Xx

WelshMoth · 30/01/2014 07:20

Good morning.

Everything that RedBalloons said. Everything.

Gather that tiny bit of resolve and fight another day. We're wiling you on.

Brew Made you a cuppa.

TallGiraffe · 30/01/2014 09:20

Morning.

Another one here saying listen to red balloons.

What's your plan for today? I think it's time to make plans, for today, tomorrow and next year. What can you aim for and look forward to?

WeAreSix · 30/01/2014 09:49

Brilliant post redballoons

Please take some strength from this thread madeup

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 30/01/2014 10:00

I'm so exhausted. Had very little sleep last night. Work is a huge effort this morning, I feel close to tears all the time. I don't really know what to say. You are all so compassionate, willing me on, but I don't feel like I have anything left.

I don't think your comments are below the belt 100, I chose to have children and I am responsible for bringing them up to be good and thoughtful adults who are capable of giving and receiving love. I know how damaging my suicide would be, I really do, I think about it every day. But it seems a better option than subjecting them to my toxicity any longer. I don't deserve them.

My plan is to get through the day and hope I can get some rest tonight. I hope you all have a nice day.

OP posts:
takeitaway · 30/01/2014 11:12

Hi again madeup,

So glad you're still wanting to talk.

I have a DD too. As a baby she didn't sleep at all - she suffered from night terrors and would wake every hour of the night screaming and thrashing. It was horrible and went on for three years.

I can't begin to tell you how much that lack of sleep affected me. I was physically exhausted, obviously. But my days were spent either in a bubble, totally detached from reality. Or feeling so raw and exposed, like I had a layer of skin missing. I got up each day because I had to, for her and my other DCs, but I remember so little of that time, it's like a black hole.

Please don't underestimate how much your lack of sleep is affecting you every single day, on top of your illness. You're doing really well, just need to keep pushing through this dark time.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 30/01/2014 11:25

Ooh, another thought for you madeup ... I wonder if you've ever come across cognitive therapy, or the idea of challenging our thoughts? I think it's very interesting and helpful from what I've learnt so far .....

Basically in your post I notice there are two opposing ideas "I know how damaging my suicide would be, I really do" and "But it seems a better option than subjecting them to my toxicity any longer"

Cognitive therapy would (I think) ask you to challenge that second idea .... is there at least a part of you that knows that is rubbish/wrong. That believes that you are good for your children, and that they need you and love you?
None of us is perfect - maybe that's another thought to challenge ... that we should be perfect or better than we are?

I hope you can see something in this idea of challenging our thoughts, and that it might help a little x