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Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 28/01/2014 19:27

Madeup: You have just got through another day - well done.

Enjoy your run , sleep well and I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Life will get better, but change can be slow.

We are all wishing you well.

x

CharlieBoo · 28/01/2014 19:32

We are all wishing you well indeed.... You are doing so well... Keep going.. We're all here for you xxxx

Snipface · 28/01/2014 19:53

Well done on getting through today, I am so glad to see you here. It is an achievement - you have amazing strength.

We are all wishing you well xx

Sexnight · 28/01/2014 20:01

What is your husband like madeup? Is he a good man? Are you able to talk to him openly? I like the advice about writing to him- I am much more articulate in writing than in person. Worth a try?

I'm sure he loves you very much- you seem like a loveable lady. Really you do.

Please don't stop talking to us. We are here.x

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 28/01/2014 22:42

My husband is a wonderful man. He is strong and hard working yet sweet and kind. He is the most intelligent person i know and can always make me laugh. The children adore him and we are more in love now than when we first met ten years ago. I love the way he cares about his family and he always puts himself last. He has put up with so much because of me, i just want him to be happy. I know he is worried right now.

Both children have woken up, could be in for a long night. Managed 2 hours of running though so will hopefully feel less guilty tonight.

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Sexnight · 28/01/2014 22:47

So that's three pretty amazing people in your life, who love and need you and who you clearly ADORE. I'm no expert, but you must cling on to their love when darkness calls...

You write so beautifully.

Sexnight · 28/01/2014 22:48

Good luck with your night. X

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 28/01/2014 23:00

Sexnight (amazing name by the way, I know how wonderful this little family we have created is and just how lucky i am to have two beautiful healthy children and such a good man as a husband. I know how lucky i am and that thinking about their faces is my biggest protection from the blackness. However i feel so so guilty that they don't seem enough. How can i be so blessed and still long for death? I don't deserve them.

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RhondaJean · 28/01/2014 23:03

Hiya madeup. Your husband sounds great. Mines is the only person I have ever known who can always make me laugh, however bad a mood I am in. It's annoying sometimes because I can't stay angry with him!

I did 30 minutes cycling sprints tonight - I've got a killer weights programme from the gym manager as well, but still th running isn't happening.

I just wanted to say, I'm certainly not giving more of myself than I can, and I am sure no one else is too, I just wish I could do more. You have done so well - I hope you get some sleep, and some help from the cpn tomorrow.

Sexnight · 28/01/2014 23:08

It's not my real name Wink

peacefuleasyfeeling · 28/01/2014 23:36

Good evening, MadeUp. How was your run? I had the very best of intentions for this evening but ended up falling asleep putting the girls to bed, like so many other nights. It's feeding DD2 that does it, and then I wake up round about now, all twisted and contorted, draped halfway across her cot and my bed, adding to the mental list of jobs I need to pick up tomorrow instead. Well done you for getting through today, for getting through the week. What do you see when you look back at this past week? Do you see the incredible show of courage and determination, of humility, love and service I see? A long sequence of moments when love got the better of fear, every time. I'm thinking ahead to your meeting with your cpn tomorrow. Would it be an idea to show her this thread? And perhaps your husband too? I like the idea of writing him a letter explaining what is happening in you right now. You express yourself so clearly and succinctly. Apologies again for lack of paragraphs and the odd impression this must give, but I just also wanted to say how sorry I am that your illness cost you your teaching career. Teaching can be so unforgiving and relentless. I had a time early on when I first started, when I would come home from work, have a couple of drinks (and I'm supposed to be tee total!), run a bath, get my head under the water so noone could hear me, and just wail and rage until it got too cold to stay in, and then some. I did just walk out of that job one day, was told I'd never teach again, but found my way back when I was ready through supply and bits and bobs, so all may not be lost, should you ever wish to return to education. But, as TakeIt said, your illness created that situation, not you, and that is so important to understand. Just like it is responsible for what has been happening this week, making you fight tooth and nail to stay on top. And boy, have you given it your best. Wishing you a peaceful night, I'll see you tomorrow.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 28/01/2014 23:44

Oh, and just catching up on the posts which have appeared while I've been beavering away at my essay Blush, your declaration of love for your husband made my eyes water just a tiny bit. What a good egg.

paxtecum · 29/01/2014 05:59

Good morning Madeup:

I hope you had a peaceful night.

Wishing you a good day.

We are all here sending love and strength to you.

x

TallGiraffe · 29/01/2014 08:01

Just wanted to wish you good luck for your meeting. And a huge well done for getting through to today.

I too, am definitely not giving more than I am able.

CharlieBoo · 29/01/2014 08:22

Good luck with your cpn today made up..

Thinking of you... Stay strong... You're doing amazing sweetheart x

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 29/01/2014 10:34

Good morning everyone.

Thank you so much for your ongoing support. This really has been a lifeline these past few days. I don't want to be a drama queen but your kind words are holding my head above the water.

I decided to come into work at 7 and try and knuckle down and do some jobs i have been avoiding and surprisingly time has flown. It is the first few hours in a long time that i have been in the moment and not stuck in my head and my horrible thoughts. It is such a relief. As i am feeling a bit more rational and a bit brighter i have decided to discuss crisis team/hospital admission this afternoon. I know i physically cant continue this way even if you are do kindly dragging me through emotionally.

Ironically the lift in my mood is not matched with the weather, it has just started to snow.

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 29/01/2014 10:57

That all sounds really good madeup - I hope your cpn is helpful when you talk this afternoon, and together you can find good ways forward from here. Your love for your DC is a great strength - I heard of a workshop the other day called "Joy In Enough" and thought that was a good aspiration to have. Can you let them be enough for you, enough love? enough achievement? Along with your relationship with your lovely DH - am so glad to hear how positive that is and of his support to you all.
All the best to you for today and tomorrow x

NewBeginings · 29/01/2014 10:59

Madeup, you can do it, you can get through this and reach a happier place. I believe in you. I'm glad that today you are feeling stronger.
The past will never ever change but the future is anything you want it to be. You can do it x

WeAreSix · 29/01/2014 12:43

Keep going MadeUp, you're doing brilliantly.

The snow would make me smile, we've had constant rain where I am.

100redballoons · 29/01/2014 13:35

Just wanted to say I'm not giving more than I am able either. Quite the reverse. Seeing your courage this week & reading your beautiful words about you family have touched and inspired me. Thank you.

So glad you've got through another day, & that maybe you can see the start of a way forward. Good luck with your meetup later. Hand's still here any time you want to hold it.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 29/01/2014 14:41

Total waste of time. Really upset, wasn't able to ask for help. I'm such a failure. Don't know what to do now.

OP posts:
NewBeginings · 29/01/2014 14:45

What happened?

WelshMoth · 29/01/2014 15:47

You're not a failure, madeup. You're poorly.

They've let you down.

What happened? Talk to us.

clio51 · 29/01/2014 16:23

I've done that madeup not said what I really wanted to say!!

You are coping fantastically in a very poorly state, you could always ring the cpn and speak to her it may be easier on the phone than face to face.
What do you think?

Read you went running for 2 hours!!! God I'd be knackered well I couldn't even do it. Have you always been able to run? Really wish I was fit like that, the endorphin rush you must get from that must be amazing.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 29/01/2014 18:21

She didn't come on her own and they could only stay 20 mins and had paperwork to do with me on how i rate the service. She is making a referral to the eating disorders team which is the last thing i want. I guess i had hoped if i could get through to today then something might change. I just wanted a hug and a cry and an acknowledgement that living with constant suicidal thoughts, constant anxiety that i am not good enough and a constant fear of food is too hard on little sleep. I didn't get chance to offload at all and there is no plan moving forward. I am back to going over and over in my head that there is no hope and i only have one option for relief.

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