There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

Similar to Juggling, have a look at Mindfulness too. It's a similar concept - almost like flushing out the negative thoughts with positive ones. It has really helped my anxiety.

Hi madeup,
Am still here, willing you on also.
You talk about not exposing your children to your toxicity, but all I sense they get from you is love - you love them so, and they know it.

It may be a daft suggestion, but have you listened to any meditation to help you sleep? Sometimes when my Dh is out of his mind with anxiety and unable to sleep, they really help him. He listens to it on his iPod, I think it's called yoda nidra.

Thinking of you

Made up, I really don't know whether this will help or not, but I'm going to share it with you anyway because I think it can't hurt.

When I was growing up my mum had a lot of issues, she struggled with her mental health and it had a big impact on how she was with us. She didn't always treat us very well and she often was the not the sort of mum that she wanted to be. Many times she expressed the desire to kill herself because she thought that she was fucking us up so badly that we would be better off without her.

Fast forward 20 years, and she is one of my best friends. Yes we struggled, for years, but we got through it, she got through it and no matter how bad things got she always always let us know that she loved us. She hung on in there, through the dark terrible times, and I'm so glad that she did because we are so close now. We laugh together, we spend time together, we understand each other, and we are both happy. At one point I never thought that would be possible, but it is.

I am so glad she didn't give in to those urges to kill herself. My life would be so different if she had, we would never have experienced the relaxed, happy relationship that we have now, and my lasting memories of her would have been painful and negative.

Sometimes it takes many many years but if you hold on your children will be forever grateful. They would be so lost without you.

Good evening, MadeUp. Could it be yoga nidra, Snipface? It is a deeply relaxing yogic practice, which is often used to end a session. Perhaps you could download a fewdifferent recordings and listen after a run? You know I was cheering you on about your night time feeding, further up the thread. You have since mentioned how very, very tired you are and how little sleep you're getting. Lack of sleep affects us so differently at different times, I was a wreck with DD1, who fed day and night until she was two and a half. This time is completely different, and I'm not too bad despite DD2 being a frequent night feeder and DD1 still not sleeping through on account of confusional arousal (similar to night terrors). We co-sleep, which possibly helps. Crucially, DP doesn't, as the merest hint of sleep deprivation sees him descend rapidly into a very dark place. So part of his managing his condition means taking care of his sleep; napping, early nights, only eating and drinking stuff which doesn't interfere with sleep, no telly or mental stimulus before bed etc. He, like you, exercises a lot, which is a double-edged sword as it can exacerbate anxiety as well as pacify the mind. I'm not saying you should reconsider your nightfeeds if you, like me, also delight in them, but perhaps see if there are times in the day when you could claw back some sleep? Although it annoys me when it happens, I'm sure my habit of dropping off when putting the girls to bed keeps me in a much better place than if I didn't. Occasionally, I do make their bedtime my bedtime and get four or five hours unbroken sleep before they kick off / start rooting around midnight, as is their habit, and it's amazing. Maybe a load of waffle, and I know how impossible sleep can be, but could you jig things around so you can catch up on a bit of sleep? I'll check in a bit later.

Hi madeup, hope your evening is going well, it's been impossible to post on here tonight with tech glitches but I'm still here!

Sorry I haven't responded. There are so many interesting questions and suggestions. I am really grateful that people have taken the time and shared their experiences, I really want to talk about it but I am so tired and feel empty. I'm sorry.

Being referred to eating disorders team has made me worry even more that i am too fat and will be judged. Have eaten nothing today which I'm know isn't helping.

Have nearly got through another day though and tomorrow is Friday.

Can I ask how you will feel if you go and get weighed by the eating disorders team and they tell you you are underweight? Have you considered that?

You are just running on empty, no sleep, no food, anyone with or without an underlying mental health problem would struggle hugely. It must be exhausting.

But yes, it's almost Friday, you have made it through! Another success. Another tiny step.

I've not managed to read everyone else's wonderful posts and take them in so sorry if this has been said. You asked what if the way you feel doesn't change. Can you remember a time you felt different from now in any way? Hold onto that thought, to show yourself you CAN feel otherwise.

And please, please try to sleep!

I really want to sleep and right now everyone else in my house is asleep but my head will not switch off.

The level of anxiety around my size has reached the point of doing a hundred sit ups on a concrete toilet cubicle floor this morning. I just couldn't bare sitting at my desk in my body if that makes any sense. How shameful.

I can't sleep either, too much caffeine I think. And DH is still working, he will be in soon.

I bet you have amazing abs. You do need to feed your body to be able to keep running and doing sit up though. Can you eat some green salad and cooked chicken? It wouldnt make you bigger, but it would fuel you to do your exercise.

How long will a referral to the eating disorder team take?

Eating nothing while breastfeeding is not good for you or your beautiful baby. She needs you to eat.

Good morning Madeup: I hope you slept well.
I'm another fan of meditation cds (I haven't quite got into the 21st Century yet with apps, phones and the like).

I do believe that there is loads of meditation 'stuff' on the internet that is free to download.

How is the ill elderly relative? Is he or she still in hospital?

Best wishes for a better day today.
x

Good morning madeup,
Please don't apologise to us, or let us add to your burden - we are here to hold you up, not bring you down. We don't need you to respond to everything, just take what you need.

I did mean yoga nidra - I think the Star Wars obsession in my house must be catching...

I hope you can eat some breakfast, it sounds like you are running on empty.
Xx

Just a quickie to say hi, I'm still around. Hope you got some sleep in the end madeup. Friday at last, you've got here, well done.

Thank you. Feeling a little lighter tonight. Managed a productive morning at work, made a good sent in my sales target and then when i picked my daughter up she spun round in her jumperoo to see me and shouted a very audible mamama. How can that not lift your mood!? Then my son has been given a special head teacher's award today for writing a story. He is in reception and has settled wonderfully, feel so proud. I have found a few bits that i had hidden away for his stocking but forgotten about so i can treat him tonight for his efforts. He thinks that i have magic powers and knew to get him a reward! I have cooked them both a lovely tea, one pureed of course and they are wolfing it down now. I know they seem small things and anywhere else on this site I would be thought of as a bit of a knob for posting them but they have lifted me and when i read it back i need to remember.

*dent....stupid phone

and sorry for rambly and no paragraphs! I guess feeling a bit better doesn't override exhaustion!

Wonderful. Well done McSweets.x

Madeup, awesome post.
What absolute delights yours son and daughter sound. And no, not in the least bit knobbish. Sometimes, it's the smallest of pleasures that lift us the highest.

All through tonight, there'll be many of us giving a small but significant air-punch when we read about your well-deserved slice of happiness.

Hey madeup, didn't you know? You do have magical powers - you're their mum!

Really glad you've had this day.

Do you keep a diary at all? I think it would be good for you. Just write down the lovely bits, so you'll know they happened, and can happen again.

Now go get yourself an early night! Think you've earned it x

Fabulous post... Your children sound delightful! You must be so proud! So pleased you've had a good day. Big hugs x

That is an amazing post, I am so proud of you I want to rush round with and so you will have to enjoy the virtual ones!

You achieved so so so much today. And you can again.

What a lovely day.

I hope you all sleep soundly tonight.

x

Not in the least knobbish! Delightful - and so wonderful that you could feel the joy in it. One truly magic mummy

I am trying to have an early night before work tomorrow. Have had a nice hot shower, which is something i normally restrict myself and have taken my sleeping meds early so fingers crossed.

I cant tell you all how uplifting it is to come here and see that you are pleased i have had a happier day.

Writing down times when i feel positive emotions is something my therapists of the past have suggested. I may try to continue it over the weekend to try and build on today. Hope you all enjoy a peaceful weekend.

Goodnight madeup.

Hope you sleep well.

Good morning Madeup.

I hope you did get a peaceful night's sleep.

Best wishes for a good weekend.

x