There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

Good morning, MadeUp. You've been on my mind throughout the night. I do hope the morning shines a kinder light on things. Are you going to return to work? I'm so rooting for you and your family; do whatever it takes for you to get through today, perhaps look into some of the recommendations for reading, but please check in here and do please, please make sure you pick up those babies later and that your only escape is a temporary one into a world of literary fiction. I so look forward to hearing from you today.

Gone to the place i had planned, tied something round my neck and cant go through with it. Am now sat at my desk at work. Cant concentrate on anything. What the fuck am i going to do. This is too hard.

I'm so glad you couldn't go through with it madeup. That means part of you hasn't given up yet.

You have people here who want to hold your hand. Let us do it. I have to go out this morning but I'll be back later. Other people are here too.Tell us the things you used to like doing. And talk to someone in RL, even if just the samaritans. Hearing an understanding voice can help.

Just one minute at a time, that's all you need to concentrate on. I'll be back as soon as I can.

I'm glad too that you're still here madeup
Look after yourself today x

I'm so so pleased you took the huge courageous step to not go through with it. Keep talking.

Just seen your message, I'm so glad you weren't able to in through with it. And I understand how incredibly surreal and disconcerting it must be to be sat at your desk now, a place so far removed from what is playing out in your life right now. How isolating and lonely. I so wish I could be of practical help to you in RL. For now though, I'm here standing by and holding your hand at your desk.

People are moving around the office, talking to me, asking me to do things and i feel so removed from it. I can see and hear myself responding but its like it is not really me. I wonder if anyone here would care if they knew the line between life and death that i am treading. I am trying to finish the words that i am planning on leaving for my husband and children but i know in my heart that whatever i say they will hate me forever if i go through with this.

I used to like music, i play piano and loved to spend an hour or two playing a bit of Rachmaninoff, even that sounds harsh and hollow right now.

Feel so sad.

Why do you go to work madeup feeling so bad?
It's sound like you have depersonalisation?

I'm still here. There are so many things in your posts, observations and questions (perhaps rhetorical, but still) which I'd so like to respond to or hear more about. Please do not torture yourself imagining your husband and children hating you, think instead of how glad and grateful they will be for every moment you choose, even if only by the skin of your teeth, to stay with them. Relief beyond measure. Keep posting.

I only get paid for the hours that i am here and for the 30 hours a week i am supposed to do it is practically the same as i was getting on mat leave. We are really struggling, like really struggling. I know everyone will say money doesn't matter and cant buy happiness etc etc but when all our siblings and friends are confortable in graduate jobs it is horrible. I'm such a failure. My boss would happily let me go home but we can't afford it and i cant cope with my husband being cross.

Sounds like you have a nice boss anyway OP?
How long is your shift today?
Any nice plans for afterwards? Something little you could maybe look forward to?

Yeah my boss is a lovely man and is appreciative of what i do. I know i am lucky in that respect and i know i am lucky with my sickness record to have a job at all. Another reason i am scared to be off. I lost my wonderful teaching post through this horrible illness.

I finish at 2 and then go for my daughter so i guess then i am safe for today. I don't think i could hurt myself whilst she is with me.

Good. Sounds like a plan for today.
That's all you need.
Then another one for tomorrow x

Hi madeup, I've been reading your thread and willing you to get through this.

Just saw the words in your last post: "I lost my wonderful teaching post through this horrible illness".

So glad you acknowledged that. Please understand that what's gone wrong in your life is because of your horrible illness, not because you are worthless or not good or strong enough.

You say you were dealt some good cards and you threw them all away. No, your illness took them away. And left you trying to fight a battle with your hands tied behind your back.

You've done so well to keep getting back up. Be angry with the illness, but please believe in yourself. You've still got some good cards in your hand, I'm sure of it.

Teaching is especially challenging I think too - I know I've tried it!
So, am very impressed with anyone who's ever had a "wonderful teaching post" - shows it must have been going well at some point which is no mean accomplishment! It may be possible to get back into teaching, perhaps through the supply teaching route (which I've actually quite enjoyed if you can find the right niche) when the time feels right?

Hello madeuplovesong44. We're so sorry to see you're having a rough time of it.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread madeuplovesong44, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

You play the piano? I'm full of admiration, would love to hear you play - esp Rachmaninoff. Listening to live music is a great pleasure, though I have no musical talent whatsoever. My ex never even let me sing to the DC's when they were babies!

My way out of the darkness seems to be through writing. It started with pages and pages of whatever was in my head at the time, then poetry, and now a novel. It's mostly all rubbish I know, but I can see it's getting a tiny bit better & maybe one day with a lot of hard work, it may be passable. The feeling that maybe I can create something has shone a tiny light in all the black.

I lost my career when I got ill too, & I understand the grind of struggling financially when everyone else seems to achieve so effortlessly. It made me feel even more useless. We moved to live a very simple life in the country and now I grow veg and keep hens (which are very therapeutic) and avoid thinking about the old life.

Please madeup don't write the letter for your DH and DCs, for when you're no longer here. Instead, can you write down for him just how bad you're feeling, and ask him to help keep you alive? Or give it to someone else in RL?

I'm sorry to have rambled on so. Just wanted you to know that if I found a way back, maybe you can too. You've shown such strength this week. Don't give up hope.

Hiya, just a quick post, I am still here with you, been very busy at work today but wanted to look in and I am so glad you are still posting. I am so glad you didnt do what you planned. I think you would be surprised how many people would miss you.

I play piano too (or used to) but not particularly well, Rachmaninov sounds incredible.

You are almost through to Wednesday. I will look in tonight. You are doing so well.

I too hope people aren't giving more of themselves than they can afford. I promise you mumsnet i have no expectations, and i really don't want to be a burden on anyone.

I feel for you truly, as I've said I've felt as bad as you so know what's it's like first hand.
You are doing excellent, small steps.

How long have you been on your current med for ? Have they increased your dose recently hence worse SE might explain your feelings right now.

Remember it's not your feeling, it's this bloody illness that's doing this to you.

Do you have an appointment coming up with your psych? Maybe you could do with a chat with him/her.
Can you get some diazepam from your gp, if this is an increase in dose your dealing with it will calm your thinking down until your dose levels out
Just a thought. Take care Hun, were all here for you.

Would give my right arm for some diazepam but i abused it and now no one will prescribe me any. Husband in late im, baby is crying, son is high as a kite and i have nothing to do for their tea. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!! Everything is so hard.

Have you a tin of bean/ spag do some toast easy then give him yogurt if you have any. And don't forget to set yourself very important

I'm still here madeup.

Tell me - what do you have in your fridge/cupboards?

I'm a queen of thinking on the spot recipes

Thank you...kids are reasonably well fed, bathed and asleep now. Feels like another achievement i suppose.

Run, sleep, work and then my cpn will be with me.

Thank you...kids are reasonably well fed, bathed and asleep now. Feels like another achievement i suppose.

Run, sleep, work and then my cpn will be with me.