There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

Thats good madeup daily may be the way to go at the moment.

How is your evening going?

Very glad to see this. It's a step towards recovery. Well done on taking this opportunity

Evening is my hardest time. My world is black and cold, every thought is telling me how evil i am and how much better this world would be if i were gone. I have no energy to challenge this. Someone has stolen my hope. My beautiful children are fast asleep, i want to protect them from the mess in my head. I cant face work tomorrow but i know that once i stop that it will be a slippery slope and all my control will be gone. I'm sorry to the dear people worrying and caring but i am not worth it. I have an ugly heart which fills me with self hate and evil. I don't fit in here.

My darling, you don't have an ugly heart. We have seen Thr depth of your love from this thread.

You have a mind which is unwell. That doesn't make you a bad person any more than if you had a liver disease or arthritis or anything else that is a physical illness.

Hope comes and goes - I see you ?ith hope in some posts and I rejoice with them. I'm so glad you've accepted the ot help.

Thank you rj you are amazingly kind to me. But i find the kind words wont sit on the harshness inside my head. I'm aware of every breath, every blink. I cant find anything to distract myself. I wish i could wake up from this nightmare. And i know reading this back that the shame i will feel at being so full of self pity will only fuel my worthlessness further.

madeup look at your lovely children, they are your hope for your future. You don't have an ugly heart. You have a kind caring heart towards your children and your dh. It is your mind that is playing games with you, not your heart.with the right help your mind can be mended and with the mending will come the realisation that you are indeed worthy of this life and that you are dearly loved by your family. It is not the real madeup talking, it is your illness.please don't give up

Keep saying our words to yourself over and over until you start to believe them. We don't mind how many times we have to type them to you :)

Please don't feel shame. That's the not way you're seen here. I read your posts and see as an extremely strong woman who has been through so many years of shit and awful times, and you're so tired and fed up with it all but you keep trying because you love your family so much. I know you feel like you've given every reserve you have left, but there's more, I know there is, there is resolve and strength buried in your bones. Let us help you find it

I can't say anything more or better than what the others have said. Please believe us all, the world would be a much poorer place without you in it. We are all rooting for you xxx

Thank you so much, to all of you. My feelings have become too unbearable for tonight so i will safely self medicate myself to sleep.

How can you expect me to be a wife, an employee and a mother,
When every breath, every move feels a challenge like no other.

How can you expect me to laugh, to love, to share,
When every bone of my being is telling me I am too evil to even care.

How can you think that i will manage to talk to our friends,
When my heart and soul feel smashed to pieces, impossible to mend.

How can I try to address with you the issues of my past,
When every dirty secret I have promised myself will be the last.

How am I supposed to believe their is a hope for a happier life,
When all I know as an adult, is this self hate, pain and strife.

I'm so sorry I cant be this person that you think you love,
You deserve so much more, a soul mate you can trust.

When I am no longer here, a dead weight beneath your side,
please love our children for both of us, fill your heart with pride.

They are wonderful, loving, beautiful beyond measure.
Even in my despair, they make me smile, feel that elusive pleasure.

I know they should be more than enough to keep me here, to keep fighting strong,
But I cant bear that my poison will spill into their journeys, however short or long.

I'm so sorry, please forgive me.

madeup that is a real cry from the heart. But you are a much loved mum and wife. Your children and your dh would be devastated if you weren't here. Please don't give up on what can eventually be a good life for you and your family. Please see the people who have arranged to see you daily, it will be worth it. You hate yourself, but your family don't. We will all be here holding your hand and willing you through to get well. Don't leave your family with so much pain being without you. It is not the real you saying these things, it's your ill self. Don't let it win

Don't give up madeup. The words that your are taking into your head - that your dh and kids are going to be better off, happier and free to live their life when you are gone - these words are completely, utterly false. They will be broken for the rest of their lives without you. They are better off with you beside them. Your dh loves you, he loves YOU as you are and with all your problems. You're not tricking him into loving you. And you are deserving of that love.

Everything in your last post says how much you don't want to hurt them or damage them by staying here, and the illness is stopping you from seeing that by killing yourself, you would cause more harm and damage and pain that you ever would by being alive. Even with your struggles and your own pain, they need you as their mother so much more than a life without you.

Contact with OT went well. Crisis team coming tomorrow to discuss managing the bank holiday weekend and whether an admission is appropriate. Want them to take the worry out of my hands. When i close my eyes i see me dying.

I'm glad the Crisis team are coming to see you tomorrow made.

If my children go through their lives knowing how much i love them and that i will always be there for them in any way i can then maybe i wont be such a failure.

You are not a failure madeup no-one can help being ill. Your love for your children already shines through in your posts, and they know that you love them.good luck seeing your crisis team. I have to say your post this morning sounds much more hopeful. You can get through this and lead the life you deserve to have.

What mummylin said! Your children will live their lives knowing the depth of your love and being very proud to have such a strong woman as their mum. Best wishes for meeting crisis team tomorrow xx

You are not a failure, that is your illness talking.

You sound like a great mum, like others have said it's obvious from what you post how much you love your children.

I hope you have an ok day madeup

Coped a bit better today i think.

But then my cpn came and has decided not to involve the crisis team which means no support till Tuesday. She said she didn't think i would engage with them anyway and she didn't want the paperwork. Feel scared how i will get through.

I'm sorry about that made, that sounds rubbish.

There are lots of people on this thread wishing you well, keep talking as much as you need to.

:( I'm really sorry she said that! Can you not contact the crisis team directly?

We're all here for you over the weekend xx

I echo what the last two posters have said. We will be here over the weekend. Sounds awful that that woman spoke to you like that !talk about empathy, more worried about any paperwork ! That is shameful.

^^ same as the others said. You are not alone, we'll all be here for you xx