Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:
LittlePeasMummy1 · 18/05/2014 09:59

Atta girl. You can do it. Xxx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 19/05/2014 01:52

Made it through another day. Children have been wonderful, cant believe how close i was to never seeing their beautiful little faces again. You are right that through them i have ao much to live for and they need me. Still feel desperate to escape my ugly head. This is just so hard, i want to be better for them. I don't know what the next step is. If psychotherapy means trawling through my past, i think it is too disruptive. Yet without it i don't know how to move forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 19/05/2014 02:07

I'm so embarrassed that i must sound like a broken record on here but that is how it goes inside my head. The extreme changes in mood and emotions are so hard to live with. I am sick of laying here in the darkness thinking about dying.

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamus · 19/05/2014 02:16

This is going to sound incredibly trite in the light of all you have going on, and I apologise for that. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I also suffer with depression. I have been on the edge of suicide on several occasions and managed to pull myself back.

These days I have things mostly under control but still on occasion get myself into a mentality where I feel the easiest thing would be to end it all. When this happens, I have a quote from Game of Thrones that I make myself repeat, which is;

*'What do we say to the God of Death?

Not today'*

This works for me. It is probably useless for anyone else, but I just wanted to share my mantra in case it was any good to you. Take care, and get well.

RoseyHope · 19/05/2014 07:31

I think psychotherapy is the way to go. Yes it's going to be hard and scary and painful, but right now you're already in a place that's hard and scary and painful. With the psychotherapy, there is the potential for things to change and get better. You know there isn't that hope without it.
If you do it, it might not work. If you don't do it, it will definitely not work. Take the option that might. x

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 19/05/2014 15:32

My cpn and ot have offered to come out to see me this week to talk things through and i have told them both to fuck off. I don't know why, i am desperate for help and would love to talk to either of them. Work was really cack today, I've made a huge mistake to the tune of 10k. I'm such a mess.

OP posts:
100redballoons · 19/05/2014 17:20

Oh dear madeup Sad

I guess they know the mess you're feeling at the moment, or they wouldn't have got in touch.

How would you feel about calling one of them back again tomorrow?

RoseyHope · 19/05/2014 20:02

Agree with balloons! They know you need their help which is why they're still reaching out to you. Now you need to work out how you can help yourself by meeting with them. Do you get nervous talking to them on the phone?
Why not send an email telling them this:

i am desperate for help and would love to talk to either of them.

That could help, sometime when you're in a calm, collected state of mind just send them a quick email, press send before you have a chance to second guess yourself. Sometimes we have the best intentions to help ourselves but when the scared/protective/defensive mind takes over we shut down/push people away/don't do the things that will help us.

xx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 20/05/2014 08:42

Took an od last night. Am at work now, bit shakey but ok. Feel like i am losing control.

OP posts:
LittlePeasMummy1 · 20/05/2014 11:48

Please please get some help from one or both of them. It almost feels like you are trying to punish yourself further by rejecting help. You deserve to have someone take a bit of the weight off for you. The suggestions above about how to get in contact with them are really good. Please give it a try if you feel like you can, we all know how the feeling of losing control can quickly spiral. If you don't feel like you can do it for you, then do it for your babies. I really hope you are having an okay day. Sorry if the above sounds dictatorial, I don't mean it to. Xxx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 20/05/2014 16:20

Waiting for my husband to get home from work so i can swallow some more pills. This hell ends here.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 20/05/2014 17:03

I have just read through your thread. Please don't do anything to yourself, think of the lifelong pain your children and dh would suffer. My sister is bi-polar and has been through terrible times, but for now she is stable and has a very happy life. But she had to go through all the bad stuff first before she got to where she is now. This could be you too. I am sure you are deeply loved by your family, this will help you through. Good luck.

100redballoons · 20/05/2014 17:09

madeup I can only imagine the pain you are in, but somewhere deep down you know this is not the answer. you exchange your pain for that of your DCs, your DH. Do you really want to do that? You don't deserve this - but they don't either.

When your DH comes home, instead of swallowing pills, please tell him how you are feeling and let him get help for you.

MNHQ
KateSMumsnet · 20/05/2014 17:51

Hullo madeuplovesong44

We're so sorry things don't seem to have improved. We'd like to echo those on here who have suggested you reach out for help in real life - there may be something helpful in our mental health guide

Flowers
RoseyHope · 20/05/2014 20:51

This hell ends here.

But it doesn't. It might end for you. But your husband and your children are going to be in hell for the rest of their lives. They will always, always be the children whose mother killed herself. You love your family, don't do this to them. Ask for help.

ballsballsballs · 20/05/2014 21:36

Another hand here made.

Please ask for help, sweetheart. You deserve to live.

LittlePeasMummy1 · 20/05/2014 22:02

Please don't. Just a few messages ago you said how great your kids had been and that you couldn't believe how close you'd come to never seeing their faces again. Just think of that. Don't do it to them. Please get some help xxx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 21/05/2014 08:19

I'm still here. I'm sorry.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 21/05/2014 08:33

Very glad to see you are. I hope you can get the help that you need so you can have a happy life with your family that you clearly love so much.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 21/05/2014 09:48

My husband has spoken to my cpn and there is talk of an admission. I cant handle that, i don't want to be locked up again. I'm working out of town today, everything is telling me to run away. I know my children deserve a loving mum who can nurture them but i am not good enough.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 21/05/2014 10:03

You are plenty good enough. At the moment you are suffering from an illness, it's the illness talking to you, not your normal self. If it means that there is recovery after a spell in a hospital, why not take it ? Please take whatever help you are offered. This will help you recover from your living hell. You are obviously well loved by your family as they are by you, please take the treatment for all of you.

LittlePeasMummy1 · 21/05/2014 10:10

Don't apologise, so glad you are here. You are NOT a bad mum, believe me. My MIL had mental health issues when DH was a child and her kids came bottom of the pile. I have been moved by how you are the opposite of this, despite the fact that you are having a horrific time of it. xxx

RoseyHope · 21/05/2014 11:51

I'm so glad you're still here, was thinking about you all last night. You ARE a loving mum, like PeasMummy I am so moved by how much you are fighting this for them. And clearly your dh loves you so very much and wants to help you get better as do your cpn and ot. I know it's so hard but please accept their help. Either by admission or going to meetings with your cpn, we just need to break through this hard stuff before it gets better.

What can we do for you? Please tell us how we can help. We're all here for you! xx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 21/05/2014 17:45

Engaged with ot and we have agreed on daily contacts for now. Feeling pretty desperate still.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 21/05/2014 17:57

Thank you so much for all your kind words. I don't deserve you.

OP posts: