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Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 06/05/2014 17:40

Been given an appointment for the first of six hour long consultations to assess my suitability for psychotherapy. Its a few weeks away but i have already descended into chaotic worry. I'm not sure i can go through with this. What if they say they cant help me. It says they will access my unconscious mind. What the hell does that mean. I have enough trouble with my conscious thoughts. Taken some pills and gone to bed leaving poor husband to pick up the pieces. With work and the kids and still little sleep this just seems one more thing to worry about. Or is it my only hope? I'm waffling.

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100redballoons · 07/05/2014 07:07

Try & take it slowly madeup. You need a bit of time to get used to the idea, and to find out a bit more about it. I hope you managed to get some sleep last night.

I'm sure someone will be along soon with their experiences. Holding your hand in the meantime xx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 07/05/2014 18:55

Thanks 100. My cpn has never referred anyone to this service so has no idea what to expect. I would love to hear someone's experience just to put my mind at rest. I have analysed the letter they sent me, over and over. It is signed by a bloke who is head of the centre. I'm freaking out that it will be him, would much prefer a woman. Don't know why as i have just at much trouble with both sexes. Have been a bit careless around contraception recently, another thing to worry about. Haven't ran at all since the end of my season, think i have put on 2 stones from that and binge eating. After restricting so hard after giving birth my family are pleased but in my head i feel so fat and disgusting. I'm just a mess. Aaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh

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Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 10/05/2014 11:02

Have been awful to my cpn, told her i hate her and that she should fuck off. Feel terrible, don't know why i did it.

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100redballoons · 10/05/2014 11:54

Hey, don't beat yourself up too much. I'm sure she's heard it all before, and she's a professional so probably won't take it personally like a friend or a DP might.

You were wrong, you know you were wrong, so a quick call or a message to apologise & to tell her how bad you feel about it, and I'm sure it will be ok.

Sounds like you've had a pretty stressful week, some big stuff to get your head round. (Sorry, no experience to share . . .) Try & be kind to yourself while you get used to the idea.

Hope you have a good weekend with DH & DC.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 14/05/2014 23:26

Still haven't made up with cpn, have told her to never come back. I know i push people away as i think they will abandon me eventually but even though i can recognise this i still do it. This time she has backed off and now i feel desperate as i need her. I have my first psychotherapy assessment in the morning and nobody knows. It will undoubtedly be hard to deal with and the one person who normally picks up the fall out i have pushed away. Its going to be a long night of worry.....

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GRW · 15/05/2014 11:51

I hope your appointment went well. If you need to speak to your cpn afterwards I hope you feel you can contact her. As a professional I am sure she will respond if you get in touch, and not hold it against you for telling her to go away.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 15/05/2014 13:08

Feel totally overwhelmed. It was so intense and upsetting, cant go back to work, need to be on my own. catch 22, don't feel strong enough to cope with dealing with my past but if i don't i wont get better. Got next assessment session in a fortnight. Feeling pretty suicidal now though.

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100redballoons · 15/05/2014 15:36

It's great that you got to the assessment madeup, and got through it. well done. I hope by now you've managed to contact your cpn. Pls do call & let her know you've been, if you haven't already.

Feel helpless, nothing useful to say, but wanted you to know I'm here, hand holding if you want it.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 16/05/2014 09:24

Thanks 100, your hand holding means a lot to me. Feeling pretty lonely with this. I'm kind of proud that i have been back at work since Jan and not had to be off sick and have managed the kids and house etc. I'm really scared that if i sign up for this psychotherapy it will fuck everything up. It was so hard yesterday, i couldn't stop crying. The doctor wanted me to consider that my awful sexual experiences were something that i wanted. I'm not sure i cam cope with that consideration.

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Wipedoutmammy · 16/05/2014 19:14

Madeup I've read your thread from the beginning and for what it's worth your strength and the strength from everyone who has supported you is amazing.

I've learned more on this site this afternoon than I've received from professionals over the years. I guess I've just been unlucky. Chin up chic and I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend xxxxxxxx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 17/05/2014 21:24

My children and husband are asleep upstairs and the feelings of desperation have taken over. I cant think properly, i cant breathe. I'm thinking of hanging myself. I'm too messed up and its just not tolerable. I don't know what to do.

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MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 17/05/2014 21:57

Hi madeuplovesong44

Lots of people are worried about you tonight and have asked that we post the link to our mental health webguide

Please do take another look, there is help out there.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 18/05/2014 00:20

I'm sorry but there is no help for me. I'm an arsehole for behaving like this here though, please take down my last post if you wish and i will continue to battle the night.

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Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 18/05/2014 00:30

Why is this so fucking hard.

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RoseyHope · 18/05/2014 01:29

madeup, I've registered just so I can reply to you.

There is help for you. There will always be help for you. If nothing works, try everything all over again. If you spend the rest of your life trying treatment after treatment, therapy after therapy, help after help, then that is a life that you are there for your babies and that is a damn sight better than no life at all. They need you, the broken you, more than they need a life without you. Go upstairs and look at your babies. Look at them. Keep going for them. If you've given up entirely on yourself, don't give up on them.

And we certainly haven't given up on you. There will always be someone here for you.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 18/05/2014 06:51

Thank you rosey. It was a long night but it is morning now and i am still here. I don't want to hurt my children, damage their beautiful little lives in any way. I am slipping out of control though.

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Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 18/05/2014 08:24

I have 5 hours work to do at home, the house is a tip, need to shop, wash, iron and got the kids to look after. Little one's first birthday which we have done nothing for and my family aren't bothered. Its all too much, i just cant cope. I am supposed to be giving a talk about bipolar as a guest speaker at a unisversity this week. I just need to be on my own.

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LittlePeasMummy1 · 18/05/2014 08:45

Hi madeup, I too have registered to send you a reply. I read your thread for the first time last night and really feel I need to tell you just what an amazing strong woman you are. I'm so glad to see you on here this morning, your children need their mummy, and the world would be a much poorer place without you in it. You deserve to get well and enjoy your life. Apparently psychotherapy can be a really good way to address the deep seated causes of MH issues, as opposed to some of the other therapies which just address the symptoms. It will be a hard road, but it's worth a try isn't it? You've been through so much at the hands of others and you are still being so strong for your family. I think most people in your position would have crumbled. Don't be too hard on yourself today, sod some of the jobs. Not sure what else to say except wish I could give you a big hug xxx

100redballoons · 18/05/2014 08:52

So glad to see you here this morning madeup.

You recognise that you are slipping out of control. Maybe you need to do something to stop it going any further? Do call the emergency numbers if it gets bad again today.

The psychotherapy sounds very challenging. Perhaps it would be better tackled as an inpatient, where you would have support available at the end of every session? Or please do at least contact your cpn & make up.

Hope you manage to have some good time with your DH and DC today.

RhondaJean · 18/05/2014 08:52

Madeup!

Thank god!

I managed to do something stupid like hide your thread (I do that quite a bit on here, no idea how) and then I couldn't find you again. I saw the title in active threads this morning.

I cannot tell you how relieved I am to see you still posting, still there, still hanging on and putting one foot in front of the other and getting through one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I am so sorry you are having such a rough time.

I will be back later (going to bookmark page on iPad so I CAN'T lose you again), I need to go now take dd2 to her football match, I will catch up with everything I have missed later on.

Can you take the pressure off? Do an Internet shop, stuff the housework, and play with your children. First birthdays are more for the parents than the children too. Take the pressure off, buy a cake from Asda, get a huge box full of balloons, apparently they love that at that age (something i learned on here to late to be of use to me), tell family to come if they want for cake and leave it at that?

100redballoons · 18/05/2014 09:02

Sorry, got called away mid-message then posted before I saw your last post.

Sounds like an incredibly busy day. Maybe some of it could be rescheduled (ignored)? Babies don't 'get' birthdays at one, so she won't miss anything. But why not pick up a little sponge cake while you're out shopping & stick a candle in it? Then you can have a 5-minute celebration, just the 4 of you, and both children will love it.

Try to be kind to yourself.

RoseyHope · 18/05/2014 09:15

I know it's terrifying when we feel that we've lost all control over our lives and that we've fallen so far into a pit that we'll never get again, but doing even little things will help you feel more in control. Work on the things you can and not on the things you can't.
Call up and cancel your talk if you don't want to do it. It's not an issue and I think you'll feel better if it's sorted now rather than on the day.

You can't control that your family isn't bothered about your LO's birthday. Screw them! Have a lovely little afternoon tea with dh and the kids. Baby's not going to be fussy about a party. Get some little bowls of paint, rice, buttons, and set them out in front of her. Take some photos of her making a good old mess or have her paint a picture for you to keep as a memento of her birthday.

Move through the rest of your tasks as you can. Take breaks from your work to hoover or fold washing. Are you able to do a food shop online? Pop a film on for kids. Iron only the essentials!

Oh OP I wish I lived near you so I could come and help you with cleaning and things Sad

RoseyHope · 18/05/2014 09:16

Whoops, rubbish internet has led to x-posts with lots of lovely advice! xx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 18/05/2014 09:22

Thank you everyone so much, this place is truly wonderful when people are on their knees. Everyone who bickers and bitches here should visit the mh board and see how a kind group of strangers pull together and hold someone's head above the water. I am going to survive today. I will no doubt be back tonight but i will survive today. X

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