There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

You might come to the stage where you put your baby downstairs to bed after a big feed, shut the door, go to your own bed, shut the door and wake up in the morning and do that from then on.

I did this after cosleeping w my babies up to 6 months then enough was enough, left them for the night from then on

Never looked back, never had any issues w sleeping after that either and we were both well rested and happier as a result.

This worked well for all 4 of my dc.

xx

Dear MadeUp, just read your poem (is it your own writing?) and am in floods of tears. Straight to the core. I am so sincerely sorry I've missed you this last week, I would have liked to say something comforting when you felt bad for shouting at your baby. It's so grim and shitty all around, I can picture the scene because I've been there . It's a desperate place and I feel so sorry you and your baby and your son found yourselves there. And so sad that you deal with this alone, in the middle of the night and in the small hours. When I'm awake tonight, which is inevitable, I'll send you all lots of love.

Well done for taking your meds, I hope they work soon. I mentioned a while ago that I was waiting for a moment to compose a more substantial message, but the moment has in some way passed; you have made contact with your cpn and are back on medication. Also, waiting for the right moment is the story of my life these days, it just never comes. Better to just say what you can in the moment, I suppose. I was essentially going to refer back to the fact that you fairly recently made a courageous and significant disclosure to a group of on-line friends, and ask about whether this was the first time you had spoken of this to anyone, and if you feel you may be ready to talk about this event in your life in a therapeutic context? You don't need to answer, I'm not even sure you meant to disclose or if you were just feeling reckless and desperate. But I suppose I wanted to say that I heard you.

I think I also wanted to say something about your musings about whether the time of year has any bearings on one''s mental health; I'm sure it does for some; for what its worth DP has been up to his finest this week; last weekend, for instance, he made me promise not to leave DD1 at a birthday party until I'd cased the birthday boy's house for access points through which potential abductors might enter the premises, and outlined them to him via text message. He tries so hard to do the likely / unlikely thing, but his busy, busy mind often gets the better of him in early spring, and then quietens down by May. We try to welcome it as part of life's funny / unfunny play, but lordy...

Love to you and your babies.

Madeup- just hi. I lost your thread for a while but I am back. Still with nothing useful to say. But still here, still crossing my fingers for you and admiring you from afar.x

Hi OP sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed and unwell. You posted this 3 months ago, I hope you feel a bit better.
I just wanted to say: hang in there! 2013 was the worst year of my life, I stupidly got off my meds and after a few months I just got so ill. Had a complete breakdown, started self harming then attempted suicide and was put on a ward. I hit rock bottom and honestly didn't want to live, I think I had post traumatic stress after the hospital and it took me months to get better. My anti depressants really helped and my boyfriend, friends and family have been great and supportive. Now 7 months since I left the hospital I am happy and TTC. There is hope, never give up x

Thank you for posting, sorry i want to reply individually but its hard on my phone and my head is so busy. Yes it was my poem, hoped it may go overlooked as i am embarrassed reading it back but was therapeutic at the time.

Had a harrowing day today, would love to explain but it would out me for sure. Don't feel i can cope with the stress of it and so am thinking of suicide again tonight which is shitty. It is so relentless.

Good evening, I'm glad I found you. Hopefully you're asleep by now, at least for a little while, but if not, much love to you, my dear xx

Thank you peaceful for your thoughtfulness and touching words. Have had a couple of hours sleep but fear that i will be up till morning now.

Madeup, I've no idea of your personal circumstances but you're not alone in having thoughts along the lines of wanting to fall asleep and never wake up. I have spells of depression where I feel that way, then sometimes for no obvious reason I will feel quite bright and optimistic for a few days. (Think I may be suffering from some mild form of manic depression.) I'm not taking any meds at the moment, but try to just accept the lows and tell myself that they will pass, like they've always done before, and it's just a temporary low, to do with how I'm made.

The sunny weather has helped me feel brighter lately. Going out for a walk and pottering about in the garden are forms of therapy, for me.

I've no magic wand to wave, but would say just be kind to yourself and try to do something each day that gives you pleasure.

My ugly face.

Despite my best efforts, i am everything i don't wish to be,
I sit alone smoking in the garden whilst my babies sleep peacefully.

I long to appreciate all the good things that i am blessed with,
my family, my home, my husbands gentle kiss.

My mind wont let me see the beauty in my world but is overcome with sadness,
i hate my self and my hollow words, the destruction i cause, all the mess.

I don't want my death to ruin anyone's life but wish to be gone from this earth and say goodbye to my selfish strife.

I wish i could wipe away all the pain and leave but not a trace, i wish i didn't have to look again at my ugly face.

Thank you defen. Its a comfort knowing i am not alone x

Trying to work after no sleep is like driving in the fog with no lights. I cant do this.

I know i am just rabbiting on to myself but i need to let something out. Normally i really enjoy being a bit high but whatever this is, is horrible. My head is just fizzing and i feel out of control.

Good evening, MadeUp, I'm always so pleased to see you've been posting, "rabbiting on to myself" made me laugh. But seriously, could it be your meds starting to work? I'm sure you know this, but there can be all sorts of peculiar side-effects initially. I'm back on my phone again so apologies for absence of proper structure, but I just wanted to say "Wow!" at your most recent piece of poetry, do you write this kind of thing a lot? I also wanted to say that I will now be off-line until Sunday as we're off to see MiL for a few days... I'll check in with you as soon as we get back!

Really big but really scary development... I have been referred to a specialist team for psychotherapy. It is likely to be life long. Got to have a series of assessments including a huge written one they have posted to me. I am hopeful and terrified on the same breath. The questions are extremely hard to answer and i can see therapy is going to trawl up a lot of shit. Don't know if i am well enough to take in on right now but would i be foolish to pass the opportunity?

Yes it is a big scary step and a huge challenge but we can help you along the way.

Fantastic. We will be holding your hands.

Please be kind to yourself even if you have to force yourself.

Have been prescribed haliperidol to get through this weekend. Feel like a zombie but it is giving my brain a rest. Don't know if its ok with bf, forgot to ask.

Having really strong suicidal urges. There is only so much a person can endure, I have had enough of myself. I can see myself hanging from the stair bannister. Its frightening but comforting. I don't know what to do, i need help.

www.drugs.com/breastfeeding/haloperidol.html

Hope this helps.xxx

The chemical mix in your brain is punishing you for no reason, it would not comfort anyone to see you hanging.

In fact it would destroy everyone and their lives which is why it is the chemical mix talking and not the true lovely you.

I hope your psychotherapy starts soon. Keep posting x

Doing a bit better. Have filled out the forms for psychotherapy which were extensive but quite cathartic. Am pleased that although my mood has been really unstable the past few months i haven't hit crisis or needed an admission. Think the haloperidol is helping as i am sleeping better and feel less speeded up. Had some lovely family time over the bank holiday weekend and my children have been wonderful.

Sorry that was kind of a bullet point update, i have taken tonight's meds and don't feel particularly literate!!

So lovely to get your update, you are doing so well, we all hope you don't forget to be kind to yourself and remember that when things are really tough we are always going to be here for you to hold your hand x

Just spotted your post there wotoodoo,thank you x

I am extremely nervous about my therapy assessment but it stops me having the daily battle over suicide as i know i am going to give this a go. It takes suicide of the table for a whole which is a relief for my brain! Not sure if that makes any sense to anyone.

Just caught up with your recent updates madeup, great news. So pleased for you. Have a good week.

Xx