Hi MadeUp, I've just stumbled on your thread, and I apologise for the fact I haven't read all of it, but just wanted to share my own experiences with you in the hope it might be of some use.
I've struggled with depression since my teens, was abused as a child, bullied severely at school to the point where I started to self harm - I remember being in floods of tears at about 13 at how feeble my cutting attempts were. I've always thrown myself into abusive relationships with gusto, and only recently realised how I've made a point of avoiding genuine, good people throughout my adult life. Even now, there's a woman I really like, and who seems as sweet and genuine as anyone I could potentially become friends with, and has made numerous overtures about getting together with the kids, and what do I do? I shut her down.
I've also come to the realisation that my mother really doesn't have my best interests at heart, and never will, and that her continued relationship with my abuser, and professed 'love' for my estranged, abusive husband tells me most of what I need to know about why I loathe myself. After my first dc was born, I had severe PND, and my mother 'supported' me by using it as a stick to beat me with, whilst taking credit for helping me with childcare etc. I've tried to cut her out numerous times but she always weedles her way back in with offers of 'help' when I'm at my most vulnerable - like now, when my marriage is ending. I'm also breastfeeding a 4 month old, and can completely relate to how drained you sound, especially knowing how running can take it out of you, for better or worse.
Sorry, this is a bit of a hijack- the point is that I've realised my self harm has become psychological; it's my self-talk which is toxic, and like you, I torture myself with it, mostly without even realising the harm I'm doing to my battered psyche. I'm not naive enough to believe a book can 'cure' people, but if you haven't read it, I can't recommend 'Mindfulness - a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world' by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. It was a MNer who recommended it to me originally. Perhaps you've already read it/listened to the guided meditation CD and found it useless, but sometimes it's a matter of waiting for a 'receptive' moment when something like that has the potential to reach you. Anyway, I know you said you'd tried everything, so you might already have dismissed this, but what I liked about it, and found most useful was the way it aims to just give you even a tiny window of 'mental breathing space'. - Just a brief respite from the constant malicious commentary we torture ourselves with. I believe something like that can be like a 'seed' we can sow which has the potential, one day, to grow into something like a sense of peace. Sometimes the meditations gave me a momentary window into what that would feel like, and it was amazing! Writing this has made me feel I should give it another go, actually, as I can feel myself sinking, quite often, these days. Hope that's even a teeny bit helpful, and hope that you're ok today. xx