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Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 12/03/2014 19:48

Madeup: How are you?
We are still here thinking about you and willing you better.

Best wishes to and your family.

xxx

peacefuleasyfeeling · 13/03/2014 11:53

Hi there, MadeUp, I keep checking to see if you have posted. You're in my thoughts xxx

100redballoons · 13/03/2014 17:07

Am still away from home madeup, but still thinking of you. Hope things are going ok.

DakotaFanny · 13/03/2014 22:50

Madeup?? Thanks

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 14/03/2014 11:11

I'm sorry, I have had a manic week. Thank you for thinking of me. I'm doing ok i think, bit speeded up and reckless but holding it together.

My lovely little sister who is ten years my junior is struggling. Lots of issues that i recognise all too well. I'm scared for her. Don't want her to head the way i did bit don't feel in a position to help. She lives a fair distance away in a city and i am so busy this month. She said she goes out on her car on the evening and wills herself to smash it up. I love her so much but what do I do? She is stunning and smart and just starting out on what could be a fabulous career but she thinks she is worthless and not good enough. Its so hard to hear.

OP posts:
peacefuleasyfeeling · 14/03/2014 12:13

MadeUp, I'm so glad to see you back with an update, I was getting worried! Good to see you are sounding on an even keel Smile. I'm very sorry to hear about your sister, I really hear how hard this must be for you. I do think your sister is very blessed to have you to talk with; the kind of empathy you have to offer, based on your own experience, is very rare indeed. You have a wealth of practical experience and may be able to sign-post her in a good direction. I'll be back later.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 14/03/2014 16:31

I've got her a number so she can self refer to the local primary mental health care service without a gp. I've spoken to them and they offer lots of different options and seem to have a positive ethos. I want to be all the things that i couldn't find in my parents when i first got ill but its so hard.

OP posts:
peacefuleasyfeeling · 15/03/2014 19:58

Good evening! Wow, you have already called them on her behalf to see what is available? How thoughtful of you. I can only reiterate how fortunate your sister is to have someone to share with who will not judge her or be frightened off by the strength of her feelings and the darkness of her thoughts, leaving her alone, isolated and stigmatised. To have someone she can trust to be kind must be worth so much to her. Does she know much about what you have been through?

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 15/03/2014 21:51

I'm really struggling tonight. Suicidal thoughts coming so thick and fast I cant breathe.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 16/03/2014 07:15

Madeup: Good morning.
I hope you got some sleep and feel better able to cope this morning.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 17/03/2014 08:28

Good morning, MadeUp. How are you feeling today? xx

paxtecum · 17/03/2014 19:53

Madeup: How are you?

How is your sister?

xx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 17/03/2014 23:11

I'm really not coping, haven't managed to do the normal day to day stuff in the house today. Felt irritated by the children. Questioning my feelings for them and my ability to take care of them. Had to go straight to bed when my husband got in from work but now i cant sleep. This shitty mental illness is just so unforgiving, there is no escape. I know you wont believe it but my family would be better if i weren't here. I'm too messed up.

My sister is struggling, i cant bare to see that. I don't know how to help her.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 18/03/2014 08:24

I'm drowning. Had a really poor night, my baby wont drink anything from a bottle or cup and just wants to bf all night. I'm so tired i cant concentrate at work. Even the shitty simple jobs i am getting wrong. I feel like i cant even find the words to type this post. Why is it so hard? Why cant i just feel happy.

OP posts:
peacefuleasyfeeling · 18/03/2014 20:42

Good evening. Your last two posts really ...deep sigh and offering hand to hold. I don't doubt one word of what you're saying and it's got to be the pits. I'm typing and deleting, typing and deleting, trying to find words which will be encouraging and supportive, but think they look so disingenuous, a bit glib. Only I know you mean the world to your children, the whole wide world and more, you are the most wonderful thing to them, you are the thing which animates and delights them. Because you do care, you do your very best for them even when it's almost unbearable, all day and all night. Incredible and amazing.

Are you trying to night wean your DD? Have you got any support from your DH with that? It's so tricky, isn't it? I keep thinking I ought to stop jumping to it at the slightest whimper and at least wait to see if she's properly awake before I feed her, but I'm in such a sleepy daze in the middle of the night that before I know it, I'm right there, feeding her back off to sleep just so she'll be quiet... and then kick myself in the morning. We cosleep which makes it easier, but I'm on my own in terms of support (DP, who wouldn't last 5 minutes on disrupted sleep, has been sleeping soundly in the guestroom for the last 4 years), so I completely understand the difficulty of trying to wean on your own.

I wish you a better night tonight, MadeUp xx

DakotaFanny · 18/03/2014 21:02

How old is your baby Madeup? (I'm sure you've already said, so sorry for asking)

The story of feeding my youngest is very much as peaceful said- would go on automatic pilot and then regret not trying to make a stand. One night at the inlaws, went off to our (separate) bedroom with monitor in hand. Woke up in the morning and was like 'wow- she didn't wake up'. Of course she had; mother in law had heard her chuntering, but presumed I had gone to her. So baby settled herself, gave us a light bulb progress moment and we never looked back.....is failing to put the volume up on your monitor an option? Maybe yours is younger than mine was. Either way, there's a reason they use sleep deprivation for torture. Such a hard time! Be kind to yourself; you are doing well and this time will pass.xxxx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 19/03/2014 11:00

Thanks for your replies, really helped this morning to read them. Will respond properly later as my boss is already pissed with my output at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 19/03/2014 23:10

Just smashed a bottle of vino in 15 mins, thank fuck for auto correct on my mobile. I'm a mess. I cant cope. The world feels ugly and empty and my beautiful children deserve better. For anyone who cant relate the black is pressing down on me, i cant breathe, i am suffocating. Every second hurts. I have no idea who i am, what i value. There is nothing concrete for me to grip on to. My personality and mood can 180 in a second, it is impossible to cope. My bucket doesn't have enough holes in yo let all the stress out, the water is gushing over the top and i am drowning. I cant sleep, i cant even feel tiredness yet i know i am exhausted. Thoughts come thick and fast, sometimes in a train, holding hands other times random as if my brain is testing my ability to keep up. I know i have work to go to, the kids to sort on the morning, my clothes to iron but they feel impossible. I cant commit suicide over an un ironed uniform can I? Maybe cause i was raped in hospital, is that a good enough excuse. What about sex with your brother as a child, is that good enough? What about a deep self hatred that has sat in my heart for as long as i can remember. I went to school wishing i could be someone else anyone else. I thought nobody loved me because it never happened. I always had to waken up in my ugly fucked up head.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 19/03/2014 23:16

For some people there is no better. Drugs and therapy cant fix me. I am broken. I have a broken heart, i broken head and a broken soul. I am a disappointment to my parents and a failure to my.husband bit worse i cant protect my children from myself. You have all been so so lovely to me. You shouldn't be. I am a manipulative bitch and i don't deserve your thoughts or care. I have seen really sick people who need help and i am not one of them, i am evil. Bad and rotten to my core, not mad. Cut me open and see the poison pour from my narrow veins. I deserve a painful and lonely death.

OP posts:
DakotaFanny · 20/03/2014 07:25

No. No you don't. Noone does, no matter what came before.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 20/03/2014 08:13

I'm sorry. I should not have said all that. I'm an arsehole. And now a hungover arsehole at that. Roll on home time.

OP posts:
jugofwildflowers · 20/03/2014 09:47

Well we have heard your innermost pain, turmoil, self hatred, we all know what happened to you and we are all still here op.

We all care about you and just to let you know, we will always be here for you.

We will never give up on you.

Xxxxx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 20/03/2014 11:39

I'm really ashamed. Last night was how i used to behave. I have moved on from that, or thought i had.

Thank you jug x

OP posts:
jugofwildflowers · 20/03/2014 12:08

Your bucket without enough holes....could you imagine a sieve instead? Please imagine a sieve x

And don't punish yourself about last night. You got through it, you are feeling a bit different this morning, albeit with a headache.

Be kind to yourself today and if you find it a struggle, write a list of things that make you happy and try and achieve one of them today x

Your mind has a way of punishing you badly so you need to counteract that. Your mind has a mind of its own!

Could you try imagining a mind that you would like? Fill it with beautiful thoughts and then imagine a locked door which keeps out everything bad?

peacefuleasyfeeling · 21/03/2014 12:34

Good morning, MadeUp. Don't feel ashamed on my account, I would rather you felt you are able to share what is going on, however it comes out, than having it eat you up from the inside. You have suffered so much for such a long, long time. Your suffering at the hands of your abusers and as a woman and mother suffering the almost inevitable mental health consequences of such abuse is inspiring deep compassion and empathy in those of us with whom you have so bravely decided to share your pain; no one is judging you, only wishing to support you somehow by being here and bearing some kind of witness.