There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

Hope you're managing to keep going madeup, & that you can make your commitments for March more manageable. Have to go away for a couple of weeks so I might not get an opportunity to post, but I'll still be thinking of you & willing you on. Good luck with the cpn, I hope her return will reduce some of the pressure.

Finished work for this week and i am absolutely shattered. My baby has just started to crawl and wants to be into everything. I am desperate for sleep. Even the school run feels like a huge effort today.

Madeup; I hope you are still here with us.
I stopped posting everyday because there are others who are so much better with words than I am.

I do think about you everyday and wish you well.

Life does seem such a massive struggle and for you more so.

I believe that all the 'mistakes' that we make in life, make us strong.

You are incredibly strong, though you don't feel it now.

I'll be back here on Sunday night.

Hope your weekend is a good one.

x

Madeup: Oh flippin' heck.
I wrote my previous post thinking that you hadn't posted for days because I was not looking at the end of this thread!

x

Have contacted my cpn countless times now to say i am struggling and still she cant fit me in for an appt. Not even got any meds left now. Think i am going to call my gp and ask to be discharged from secondary services as this is just not helping me at all. I have struggled to sleep the last few nights and my thoughts are a bit fast, think a bit of sunshine had speeded me up. Worrying a lot about Russia and Ukraine.

Sorry you feel like this. I have prev discharged myself from mhservices b s
Felt like I wasn't receiving support,despite asking time after time. Don't discharge just keep asking....I know easy to write harder to do

Good evening, MadeUp. I've been off staying at my mum's trying to catch up with myself a bit, life became a bit intense over our way last week. So tired.
I'm glad you are still posting, but sorry you are feeling low. Can your GP prescribe meds? Don't go without if you need them. Is your cpn just saying that she categorically can't fit you in, or just not for a while? Might it not give you something to "focus on", for want of a better expression, knowing you were going to see her, even if it was in say a week's time? How odd.
FWIW, DP has also turned a bit "shiny" and speedy with the sunshine... so I'm keeping an eye. I'll check in tomorrow xx

Hi Madeup. Still here.xxx

Bit fizzy today again. Lots of projects going on, busy busy couple of weeks ahead. Lots of flirting at work. Still no meds. Feels kind of exciting though, like my head was squished in a safe and someone has opened it and let me see the world.

Go steady xx

Why do you need to press the self destruct button op? You mentioned thoughts to steal £20k and now flirting at work... Yet you are loved and supported by your dh and are responsible for your tiny dc. You do things you later regret all the time op. Why? Is it your mh causing you to do this? Or is it something else? Like pure selfishness and disregard for others?

Or is the latter just another sign of the former?

Sorry if I am being harsh op but your habit of knowingly doing things which are going to cause distress directly to you and others needs to be addressed by you alone.

Jug I think your comments are too harsh. You have obviously never suffered from mh problems.

Madeup I have been lurking since you first posted and checking in regularly to see how you are. I can't offer any advice but you sound lovely. Please don't take the comments made above to heart. Some people can be thoughtless. I think you are doing brilliantly.

I have suffered from a life time of mh issues through my mother. So I speak from her dc or dh's point of view.

Wow that hurt.

Perhaps that will make you think before you act op, you mean everything in the world to your dc and dh, don't do anything that would harm them or ruin their lives.

How can you even think of flirting at work or stealing £20k? It is utterly selfish and there is no excuse for behaving like that unless you do it because you know people on here will hold your hand through it and rationalise your actions.

My mother was beyond selfish and had unresolved mh issues although perhaps there is a connection? People say that about alcoholic and drug abusers, they put themselves first and it does not matter how devastating their behaviour is or the impact it has on others, their disease comes first. They come first. To hell with anyone else. I am not saying they are doing it deliberately. It is a choice they take. May be their conscience does not include thinking of others.

What is clear is my dm could not care less that we all suffered because of her. We all cowtowed to her demands and lived on eggshells our entire lives. We still do.

Did she care about her impact on all of us? No. She would frequently tell us how she was going to end it all and go off without letting any of us know where she was. She received compassion and care from us all and to this day we would never let her know just how devastating it was for us.

Then there might be periods when it all seemed back to normal, but always in the background our lives were all completely dominated by and dictated by her issues.

No one could reach her because she developed a pattern of behaviour that was unreachable.

Do you have a conscience op? If you have, please think about the person your little dc needs. You have a choice. You need to be there for her.

Put your dc and your dh first. Eat sensibly, get plenty of rest and stop being such a martyr. Everyone wants you to be as well as you can be as they love you so much.

Every time you hurt yourself you hurt them immeasurably more. Would you really want to punish them all their lives? That is what any one of your thoughtless actions would do. You would ensure lasting misery for those who love you the most.

You are a kind, caring woman. Start by being kind and caring to yourself please.

Hey, Jug, there's a fine line between telling it the way you see it and kicking someone when they're down. I am very sorry your childhood and adult life have been blighted by your mother's poor mental health. It can not have been easy, and my heart goes out to you. But I do believe that when we are unwell we need kindness, patience and empathy; to be held in positive regard and high esteem for the things we manage to get right and for the fact that we keep hanging on in there in the face of our suffering. Nothing constructive can be gained by shaming anyone. Here on MN, there is a degree of anonymity, and we can benefit from the often cathartic aspects of speaking freely about our experiences; such as admitting to thinking about stealing or flirting at work. It can be really therapeutic to just say whatever is going on.
MadeUp, please don't take it to heart. I'm here, willing you on.

Jug, I just read your most recent post, which hadn't appeared when I wrote my message a moment ago. Again, I am very sorry to hear about the impact your mother's ill health has had on your and you family's life. It really is heart breaking. Please don't think I am minimising your experience by saying what I said above.

Hiya madeup, I am still with you, I haven't felt I have much to give the last few weeks so I haven't posted but I keep checking for you,and I'm always glad to see you have checked in. You are doing so well.

Jug may have personal experience of MH but she doesnt soune like she has much understanding of some of the effects of bpd in particular. I can see though that her posts are well intentioned and I think the main thing is, you aren't acting on your impulses.

Five years ago i would have shagged a work colleague, taken the money, acted into my suicidal thoughts and ended up in hospital. I would act this way out of self hatred and then feel huge guilt and shame which would further perpetuate said self hatred.

Since i had my lovely children, they come first. I still feel like a hopeless, worthless , ugly piece of shit who deserves to be treated that way. I still have desires everyday to self destruct in all the ways i am used to but i am doing all i can not to, including writing about my days here, which is very cathartic. I consciously am making decisions about my parenting to ensure my children have a happy childhood and grow up without the emotional difficulties i have.

I'm sorry about your mother but your posts show little understanding of me or my condition. I have had years of therapy to help me try and not blame myself. Horrible things happened and i learnt ways to deal with them. I am not intrinsically bad and i don't think i am selfish. If your poor mum has severe mh problems i doubt she is selfish or without conscience.

No I am sure she sees herself as others outside the family see her, bubbly, funny and a nice neighbour. I used to like it when others came round to the house because for that half hour or so we'd get the mum we craved.

The difference is you have been doing a lot to get help including helping yourself whereas my dm never did as apart from acute episodes where she was hospitalised (and as children we were never told), she carried on as if normal.

She never tried to help herself and that was her choice. No one can force them either, like with alcoholics or drug abusers, they have to want to help themselves first before they can let anyone else in.

As I have written in my earlier post you have been doing great despite what you have endured in the past.

You sound like you are a lovely mummy. I wish I had that.

Hi madeup, sorry I haven't posted in a little while. Am travelling with little access to internet, and I have some difficult things to do myself this week, but I'm still thinking of you and willing you on. Stay strong.

You have turned your life around, and you continue to triumph over this bloody illness. Those are things to be very proud of. Your love for your DCs, and your determination to protect them, sing out at me every time I read your posts.

Jug, it is very sad that your mother did/does not get help for her mh issues, and that your experiences have hurt/are still hurting you deeply. I have experienced abusive relationships from the inside too (and I am still) and my heart goes out to you.

By all means start a thread of your own to explore these things, but please do not sabotage the thread of somebody else, who is struggling daily with their own issues. We are not supporting or encouraging the behaviour that madeup knows is wrong. We're supporting and encouraging the huge effort she is making to resist these destructive impulses.

May I wish a peaceful weekend - and hopefully a sunny one - to everyone. Spring flowers all round (and one just for madeup )

Struggling with mh affects everyone, not just the person with it, and the pov of dc and dh is not sabotage, it is valid which is why the op is doing so well in not letting her dc be affected by it.

MadeUp, I'm here hoping you don't feel you've been "shut up" by last week's posts, and still feel you're able to share how you are getting on here. Thinking of you xx

Five years ago i would have shagged a work colleague, taken the money, acted into my suicidal thoughts and ended up in hospital. I would act this way out of self hatred and then feel huge guilt and shame which would further perpetuate said self hatred.

Then you must celebrate the huge progress you have made. Still here.xx

Madeup: how was your weekend?
The sunshine is so wonderful for us all.

Let us know how you are doing.

xx