There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

MadeUp, I'm so sorry, I've just seen your most recent post, I must have missed it on my phone last night, the screen being too small. I would have acknowledged it and not just wished you a good night. I'm sorry :-(. Off to do nursery run, i'll check in later.

Having a shit day. Eaten about 10,000 calories and feel horrific. I overheard my boss today being asked on the phone if i was fit, he said nah, not really. Don't know why i give a shit as i don't want to be so shallow but it hurts.

Hello madeup

Been reading a bit of this thread and want to add my voice to those who clearly have a very high opinion of you.

As for the calories today .... please don't dwell on this. If you're careful and get out and about over the next few days, you'll more than make up.
Ignore the boss - a shallow answer to a shallow question. Don't give what you heard today any attention. It doesn't deserve it.

Courage, makeup.

Good evening. I feel so frustrated on your behalf. It is a cruel irony that sees a woman as eloquent and reflective as you routinely ignored and misunderstood in this way. Dismissed on account of being unwell, as you say. It chills me that you feel so small and unable to make yourself heard, when being heard is the whole point. I've no doubt you are more knowledgeable about bpd than your cpn, of course you are if it is your living reality. And I second 100 wondering whether it really is your cpn's call to make, whether the new psychologist is under-qualified or lacks the necessary experience to meet your needs. I had my most useful stint of therapy with someone who was in the last stages of qualifying, technically still a student or trainee, but very perceptive and prepared to take me where I needed to go. You referred to your psychologist as "lovely", and I do think that really matters, the fact that you were able to trust her with everything, as you say. It sounds as if you think you may have been able to start exploring the events in your past with her, and it is heart-breaking that your time together was cut short before you did all the work you could have done together.
I also want to say that, as far as I am concerned, you can come here and tell us exactly how you feel every day and night, however that is, with no caveats or conditions. It is infinitely better that imagining you suffering alone. Infinitely. And you are so right when you say that it might just help others understand the relentlessness of it. When DP first became unwell, I was lurking on the MH board every night, reading everything and trying to make sense of what was happening to him. I owe a debt of gratitude to the brave people who shared their experiences. Your phrase "the relentlessness of the bitch in my head" rings so true; DP started to voice it in the end when it became too intense, he just let this internal tormentor speak through his mouth, whether he was cooking or having a bath or whatever, and it was constant and so, so cruel. I feel or you.
Before I finish I also want to say, having thought lots about what you've said about your relationship to your parents and siblings and decided not to try to think up explanations for why they are behaving so oddly when this is about your wellbeing and healing; please do not compare yourself to your siblings ("they're not crazy"). I know 100 has said this already, but really do take it to heart, you're not them, you are you, and it seems aspects of the way you were raised, some of the conditions under which you grew up, were not in your best interest; you, as a unique young girl. Siblings, albeit from the same genepool, nevertheless are different, and need to be nurtured according to their individual needs, it can never be a one size fits all. I say this with a heavy heart as it has painful echoes from my own past. Through my childhood I was one of a close-knit threesome of friends. One of the friends was one of four siblings. She always, from a very early age, spoke about how her mother never showed her any affection or warmth. Remembering her mother, I recall her as a rather brusque, no-nonsense kind of woman. I remember that my friend would stare and look so lost as my mum would hug me when dropping me off at school. This aspect of her upbringing was killing her, something so essential to her capacity to thrive was missing. She decided to end her life aged 14. In the village nobody could understand why she had done it, her brothers seemed so "well adjusted". I suppose what I'm saying is just that you're not your siblings. Something wasn't right for you when you grew up. And that isn't your fault. You were a child who needed a different kind of nurturing. That was your parents' look-out, not your responsibility.
I hope you don't mind me going on, MadeUp. I hope you have a better day tomorrow, and stuff your boss being so uncouth.

Xxx

Thank you for such thoughtful replies.

It seems that as soon as I let myself think maybe this is not my fault, even for just a second, a deafening voice leaps in to remind me how good my parents are. I feel huge guilt that anyone reading this would think badly of my parents. They are so hard working and have given all four of us so many opportunities.

In the early days of my illness I would be completely fixated with a few woman in my life who i thought might help me. I would do increasingly risky and dangerous things in desperation that they might look after me. Of course people were scared by my behaviour and eventually walked away. This would exasperate things for me as i would feel rejected again and again. Looking back it is no coincidence that these people i chose were woman of a similar age to my mum. I felt desperate to be looked after and loved i suppose.

Fortunately, this pattern seems to have relented since I had my children. Of course it has left me with several uncomfortable relationships with women in my life who i chose to confide in. It is another source of shame.

I think I felt that love was connected to success and I had to achieve and be the best to keep deserving my mum and dads approval. They tell their friends proudly how i would get up before school aged 5/6 and practising writing at my desk while everyone else was still asleep. I remember the sicky feeling in my stomach when i thought i had not done well enough at primary school Getting 4 grade A Alevels was not quite enough as it wasn't the best.

I guess i cracked at medical school because i couldn't be the best and i couldnt possibly know everything. All of a sudden i was totally lost. I was worthless.

I hope i haven't simplified things too much, it feels a lot more complicated than just too much parental pressure. I was just starting to explore this with my therapist when she left. Another rejection, the hardest one yet.

I am in a really shitty place tonight. My husband is barely speaking to me. I am too tired to run. I have just sat in the dark with the baby since 7 ruminating. Just cant switch off.

Please look at just one of the videos I've linked to. It will be so much better for you than ruminating: www.threeprinciplesmovies.com/index.cfm/play-movies/transformation-stories/addiction-masha/

I hope you're had some sound sleep, madeup. You haven't misrepresented your parents, or anyone else. You've told us your situation as it is for you at this time.

My guess is that your DH doesn't quite have the right words now - mine is notoriously bad at talking to me - either at all or appropriately - when I'm unhappy. It isn't because he doesn't love me, it's because, I think, that he, when he was growing up, wasn't really allowed to express emotion. His mum was quite cold really.

What you describe is normal, normal, normal - steps on life's way in this strange but rather fascinating world that we've ended up in. Many, indeed perhaps all of us, recognize some of them.

Get some rest today if you possibly can and do something good for yourself.

If i leave work and steal the 20k that is currently on my desk then there will be no coming back.

I really cant go on.

Maybe you need to leave work right now, madeup, and go home or to some other safe and nurturing place. A friend? A church? Local Samaritans? But please don't take any money - it's simply not worth it.

Please go on - please do. Your intelligence and loveliness shines through each and every post.

Stay with us on this thread. Stay.

Take the bestest care you can for your lovely self today.

made up - another thought. Could you phone your CPN right now - see them or a stand in today?

Good morning. I wanted to add, having read your most recent post, that your respect and admiration for your parents is very evident. I am sure they worked very hard to give you all excellent opportunities and wanted the very best for you all. Parents do, by and large, tend to do the very best they can in their given circumstances, with the means they have available to them. But sometimes there are little misses, in the things we praise and subtly give value to, or reject without even thinking about it, or omit to mention. For illustrative purposes, my mum consistently throughout my childhood created this mythology around me being such a placid, easy-going child. I was encouraged, however subtly, to never really express any wants or preferences. It became a self-perpetuating thing, I strived to be like that because I knew how she had invested in creating me thus. Pretty benign, my mum's a kitten, but still. She would encourage behaviours consistent with this ideal and praise me in front of others, along the lines of "Oh, Peaceful? No, you know she's sooo contented with her lot, never asks for anything!" All the time about everything. Of course I wanted stuff, and had very clear preferences, but I kept it to myself as I wanted the approval more. I'm still a complete sucker for it, and can trace the impact this low-level conditioning has had on my choices and decisions for nearly 40 years. It wasn't that I feared what would happen if I didn't meet that expectation, I just wanted to be loved.

My friend's mum was a family acquaintance, and operated a successful family business next to my mum's premises so we saw a lot of them. Her sons really were well adjusted and happy and have stayed living locally with their families. They carry on. My friend's mum was by no means a dragon or a bad person, but something was missed in their relationship.

Now, don't take that money, and please look after yourself today.

Hi madeup, just checking in to say I hope your weekend is going ok. Have tried 3 times to reply to your earlier post, but I can't get the words right at the moment, so I'll do that another day. Didn't want to read & run though.

Hi Madeup. I'm still here, hoping you're ok.

Just checking in. How are you doing? Xx

Hi there, wondering how you are? xx

Madeup, I am really concerned for you. I understand that keeping this thread going may seem too much of a trial at the moment - it can be exhausting when you're feeling over-burdened. It's totally understandable that you're taking a step away, but please can I ask one thing from you?

Will you just let us know that you're ok? Will you just do that for me? And you know where we are if you need us. I will watch out for you on this board.

Thank you for asking how i am. I'm so sorry to have worried you.

I'm coping. Just.

My cpn is back from her holiday but cant fit me in this week because i am having to work some longer hours.

I haven't known what to post recently as i feel really empty.

So glad to find you here again. No need to say anything, but I'm here if you want to talk. I'm having trouble posting anything from my phone (although I am able to check in to see if you are posting) so am restricted to using the computer when it's available. I wish you some rest tonight. Coping, even if only just, is still coping. Please hang on in there xx

Thanks for posting madeup. Just get through one day, one hour, one minute at a time if you have to.

My diary for March is crazy, have 3 occasions where i am expected to be in two different counties at the same time. Am going to need to be manic to get through it.

Whoa, that sounds mad! Do take care, and try not to run on empty (in every respect) for too long, however busy you are. I'll keep checking in. Good night for now xx

I'm my own worst enemy, i find it impossible to say no to people. I know its my need to please others and feel liked and wanted. I just end up in a situation where i let people down.

Hi
Sorry to hop on your thread.
Just wanted to add that I can empathise a bit with where you are.
I truly think that it is almost impossible to think or see straight when we are soooooo tired, literally on the floor. I really struggled when my children were little, and became quite psychotic.
I gave up my job ( not always an option, I know), and just tried to rest.
Now my children are older (my youngest is 9), life is so much easier I can't tell you. I can sleep through every night, chill, read, etc..I know this is a long way off, but it does got easier hopefully when your dc's are in school, sleeping through the night, wiping their own bums!
That breathing space is only a couple of years away, when you can hopefully find time to recover and find yourself again.
Til then, sounds like you're doing a great job of putting one foot in front of the other....
The future's bright. Honest.

Omg I am so sorry, I managed to hide this thread. I was driving to work today when I suddenly realised I hadnt seen you on my threads I am on for days, and I had a little panic.

Havent had time to read and catch up but I am so so glad to find you again, I feel like metaphorically clutching you to my bosom!