There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

Thank you 100. I've made it to work, just. Feeling very spaced out and tired. Hoping the extra meds in my system don't get through to my milk. What a mess I am.

Goodness. I've been away for three days and have come back to such a long trail of messages and a lot of sadness. I have said before that I have no experience of mh issues, or supporting someone who has. Other people here are wiser and stronger than me.

But I am here, and will stay as long as you need me. Madup, please stay with us. Xxx

I've only now noticed - I typed a lengthy thread this morning that's not appeared. Anyway, In a nutshell, I agree with redballoons.

How are things now? How was your day?

I feel ashamed that i exude such sadness when i have so much in my life to be happy about.

I hope I have not made you feel that way. When I said sadness I meant that it makes me sad to hear your pain. In many ways I would describe what you exude as love. For your family. Forgive me if I created shame.

Not at all lovely, sorry, i really appreciate your ongoing support. I guess i hide my sadness so well in real life because i am so ashamed. I have found comfort in the funeral etc because i have been able to cry and be held.

Madeup, forgive me for pushing this point, and it seems like you've had your fill of therapy etc but I can't help but be drawn back to the same idea of another attempt at addressing certain aspects of your past. Is this something you could do? You deserve to have some of that burden lifted from you, you really do.

Oh, my love, what on earth do you have to be ashamed about? I want to jump into this screen right now to give you a big hug and some reassurance.

Ask yourself, what would you say to someone who was struggling in the same way that you are? Try to be objective Madeup - what advice would you give her?

There are no options for me for therapy. Private is so so far beyond our financial reach it isn't a consideration. My psychologist on the nhs left last october, after three years working with me but well before we had finished what we set out to do. I was and still am devastated. I think about her every day. I trusted her with everything and she left me when i needed her more than ever. My cpn says her replacement would not be able to help me? There is no alternative. Even if there was i don't know if i can go through with it again.

I know the shit from my past is drowning me but i really cant see what to do about it. I have considered cutting off my parents and siblings but i think as a mother how upsetting that would be and i cant do it to them.

I have read that back and its so negative. I don't mean to just dismiss everyone's suggestions its just i feel so stuck.

Would life be easier without the worrisome burden of family? X

I just wonder if i can ever move on from this and develop any kind of positive identity if i am still influenced by them. I am usually in real turmoil after spending time with them.

Okay, and is there any way you can distance yourself emotionally, without actually ending your relationship? Could, maybe people on here help with tips on not giving a shit what they think (again, not me. I care far too much what every bloody person in my life thinks!!)

X

Hi made up I am new to your post, I suffer from anxiety but that is so minor compared to yourself, my mum has schizophrenia and this began when I was 7, so I have a little experience with MH ( not medically just personally). For me I couldn't help read through all 17 pages of your posts as I often browse the MH section to get reassurance that I am not doing too bad each day so was amazed to see with all of your life experiences how well you do each and every day,one thing that was extremely obvious to me and in risk of sounding harsh -you are doing a little too much for everyone else, you are giving and kind!!!! You need to do some receiving it is so important.
When you feel so bad it is easy to take relief in seeing others happy but for right now the adults need to sort themselves and you sort yourself and children,adults are big and ugly and can look after themselves to a certain degree- step back from DH ' needs,food etc as you need a break ,he will understand as he knows you so well and get signed off work for a bit if you can!' Or just have a few days off and let DH have the children.
Do you have friends that visit at all?go see your family,you don't need to keep dredging over stuff go for as walk,drink,cinema.I know how hard it is to break the 'cycle' when you get into a routine ( I have 4 dc's).
Write if talking doesn't work to the manager of your CPN,like one of your previous posters has mentioned could be time for a change, your current CPN has been with you pre children and things change so much with this,has your CPN got children??
anyway hope you are managing OK today,let me tell you if the children are fed watered then you have done it -keep going its hard when they are little also soon be spring this helps too you can get out walking with the little ones- oh lastly we'll done on the BF.

That must have been tough, when your psychologist moved away. I know how much support a therapist can give when you click with them. But I don't understand why your cpn feels her replacement would not be able to help you. I appreciate that she has known you for a long time, but is it really her call to make?

You know, instead of seeing your cpn being away as an opportunity to end things, perhaps it's really a chance to start afresh. Is it possible to contact your current cpn (or for your dh to do it?) and get some changes made? You said earlier that you had no contact numbers but have they left you at least something to call in an emergency?

That way, a professional would be able to help you work through your feelings about your family, and build a way forward that would get you out of this corner you're in at the moment.

The sun is finally shining here today. Hope it's shining where you are too. Got a busy day but will check back with you later.

Made up, redballoons has just said in a far better way what I've been thinking. Isn't this worth a go?

Are you ok made up?

Hi madeup, how's it been today?

Sorry, i stupidly read that aibu thread on suicide. I find peoples disparaging comments about people so desperate hard to swallow. I suppose as i have come close, my family probably do think i am selfish and cowardly. Threads like that just kick up more shame, have had to switch my phone off.

I have asked my cpn over and over for psychological input since my lovely therapist left in October. The replacement is temporary and not qualified enough to help someone as screwed up as me, not her exact words but that was the gist. My cpn is the manager of the whole psychosis team for our area of the trust. Her boss is non clinical, i am not deliberately trying to be obtuse i just don't know what to do. I have always felt sp small in comparison to the professionals, like my opinion is irrelevant. It is very hard to stand up for what you want as a mh patient. I know more about borderline personality than my cpn does and yet my opinion is often dismissed as a result of me being unwell.

I keep wondering how often i can come here and tell you that i cant go on. But i suppose this may help others understand the relentlessness of this bitch in my head. I have managed work this morning, kids this afternoon and training tonight and nobody has really acknowledged me and certainly nobody knows the anguish i have felt all day. It is a constant cocktail of self loathing, sadness, worry and feeling of anxiety. I took a lighter to the toilets at work and burnt tiny holes in my stomach because i couldn't bare the pain of being me another second. I had to feel the hurt some other way.

Hi red balloons good to know you are checking in too,please made up give a brief reply if you can x

Good evening, MadeUp, I'm just coming over to wish you a good night. I'm having a good think about your relationship with your family, and so wish I had some sage advice for you, but I think 100 has said it, really. Xx

Wishing you an easier night Madeup. Another day you have given to others, brought up your children and lightened other people's lives whilst absorbing your own pain. You are incredibly strong to be able to do that. Tomorrow I'm hoping you will find pleasure in the small things like the daffodils in bud or a ray of sunshine.

I haven't read the thread. Maybe I'll take a look later. People who take a judgemental view of suicide cannot possibly understand that those who do it already judge themselves far more harshly than they ever could. Or that it takes such courage to keep going with the pain you feel at the moment, and still appear to lead a full and busy life!

Thanks for explaining about your cpn. I know you're not trying to be obtuse - it must be very hard to cope when your support network isn't there any more. I'm sorry to have been suggesting things that seem to be so far beyond your reach at the moment.

Please do keep posting here for as long as you need to, if it helps even a bit. All I can offer is a non-judgemental ear, but it's here if you want it, and there are lots more people here willing you on too. Hope you manage to get some sleep (& maybe some snuggles with your wee doll).

Sweetheart, I v rarely MN these days but found myself here and on your thread.

I don't know how to say this loudly and clearly enough for you to truly hear me but I'll try: You are ok

Your past only exists when you're bringing it to life by thought. It's NOT who you are. In this moment, you are a resourceful, intelligent, loving woman blessed with a beautiful family and you are safe.

I've helped people with the same dark thoughts as you have using a psycho-educational approach called the Three Principles. It's little known in the UK at the moment but is fast becoming THE way to coach people and treat people with various mental health issues as it works where other therapies have failed. It's been used in the US to help people in all sorts of settings including prisons, addiction centres and in business.

Whilst I coach people with it professionally, I know people who have had huge transformations just from learning about it themselves.

Look at the 'How' of this blog as there's books and videos there to help you: threeprinciplesblog.com/how-2/

And have a look at the case study videos here: www.threeprinciplesmovies.com/index.cfm/play-movies/transformation-stories/addiction-masha/

Please read this story from one of my past clients - I think you'll see similarities with your feelings now: threeprinciplesblog.com/category/stories/

Please let me know if you have any questions, this isn't like any other therapy so it can take a bit of getting your head around to begin with.

Sending you so much love.

Made up yes you can keep posting on here if you feel it helps even a little,do you ever have what you call 'a whole good day' or from what I am reading your things creep up on you lots of the time?